Self Awareness

I purchased this book from the store yesterday because this book covers a topic that I know that I want to gain more knowledge of; emotional intelligence. It offers an "emotional intelligence appraisal" online and after taking it, I was told that the 2 areas that I really needed to concern myself with are self awareness and social awareness. I readily agreed that I needed to work on my self awareness (what twenty something doesn't?) but was kind of surprised at the conclusion about my social awareness. Either way, I have decided to work on my self awareness first and the book has given me strategies that I can use to develop my self awareness. I must say, in reading the chapter on self awareness, I am noticing myself already reexamine situations, some recently even, and note how I could have handled them better. Case in point, I'm one of those people that tend to feel some anger when someone disagrees with me. As much as I try to manage it internally, I know that the people I am disagreeing with sense my resentment towards them. I need to do a better job of recognizing that anger when it first builds in order to better manage that emotion. Also, today at work, I became frustrated at one of my coworkers and disrespected him in front of some other coworkers. That is never acceptable and I could tell that it hurt his feelings but at the time I didn't care. I need to be a man and apologize to him tomorrow and have some constructive conversation so it doesn't turn into a festering problem within the team. Plus, for the most part I'm a nice guy, just sometimes that a$$hole can come out.

I'll blog in the future about how my self development is going. Honestly, just taking the time out to examine my feelings and my reactions to them is a great improvement in itself. Already going in the right direction!

Caretaker

So today I was kinda frustrated with everybody at the crib today. While I was at work, my roommate called me and said that the cable was turned off. I told him I would take care of it when I got off. I get back, handle it ($300 worth of handlin), and then I feel this overwhelming feeling of frustration. I was frustrated with the situation I'm in. After my man takin me in, and I'm assuming taking care of the bills, I get a job only to find out that in fact he WASN'T takin care of the bills and now it feels like everyone looks to me to handle all of the bills now (of which all have past due balances). I felt frustrated at paying $500 in two weeks to catch up the cable bill. I'm frustrated that I know next week there's gonna be another bill for me to take care of. I'm frustrated that I have my own bills to take care of at the same time. I'm frustrated that I'm taking care of men almost twice my age. I'm frustrated that having money hasn't brought me closer to them but made me feel more distant.

I know that he and I had a conversation about me possibly moving out last week, but there is no way for me to be able to do that if I'm paying all the bills each month. I feel like my bank account has a leak in it. A leak that keeps coming back. If I get a week to save a check, the next week something "needs to be paid" so I lose that money as quick as I got it. I don't want to internalize my frustration and eventually take it out on people I consider to be my friends, so I'm blogging. But this is, at times, very frustrating. My mom always told me never let someone take care of you, because eventually, they will lose respect for you. I couldn't have said it better myself...

DA HOMIES

Shouts Out

The homies One Chance got a cameo...For some odd reason...I'm startin to like Young Cash...Call me crazy...

Independence

Been a minute...I've been workin...A LOT...feel like there is always something that needs/has to be done, including now, but I feel like just venting in some way right now...

For the past 8 months or so, I've been living with one of my homies. When I broke up with my ex, I was pretty much homeless so I he allowed me to move in with him. In the past it was easy to deal with it because I had no other options at the time. Now that I've been working for a couple of months, I make more than enough money to move out and get my own place. He and I had a discussion about it and I told him the reason I hadn't seriously considered moving was because I didn't want to be the type to use people. I did that before and I refuse to be that person anymore. I didn't want to get a job, then all of a sudden leave, not doing anything to show my appreciation (a la helping out with bills or paying a portion of rent, etc.). He told me that if it would be better for me to have my own space, then he would have no problem with me making that move. That was Monday. So for the last couple days I have been thinking about moving. While I'm okay with having a roommate, one thing I have learned in this time living with him is that I absolutely cherish my own space. I have learned that my whole attitude can darken when I feel like I don't have my own space to just sit and do nothing by myself for a time, to the point where everybody I'm around feels my "leave me the f#@k alone" vibe. I talked to a few coworkers and they told me about a place where they live that has relatively good prices with a lotta space so I'm goin to go check it out this weekend. I'm still wondering if I want to take on the responsibility of my own place right now, because one side of me is considering the possibility of going to law school in another state, but I don't know...Like I said...I just wanted to vent...

Showin' Luv

The homies One Chance just released a remix to Travis Porter's "All The Way Turnt Up"

Infrared/Nappy Boy/OC

New Year Updates

This New Year has started off pretty well...updates:

- I'm no longer working the PM shift (2pm-8pm) at work. I'm now working the AM shift (7am-2pm). Some ppl can't get up in the morning but I have no problem getting up when there's some money to be made! AM shift means more money for ya boy so I goin 1000 at 5am.

- Went to see some family back home but didn't get to see my little brothers. I was disappointed because besides my mother, they're really the only reason I bother going back. I stopped by their house, but they weren't home. Plus they don't have a house/cell phone to contact them, so I guess I have to get back to writing letters so we can communicate....hmpf...might have to invest in some kinda prepaid phone for them or sumthin..

- Got into contact with my ex over the new years because now that I'm making some very decent money, I'm in a position where I can help her in the way that she helped me when I was without. For those that are wondering, this is no hidden agenda attempt to rekindle the flame or make her dependent upon me. This is only an attempt to repay what was given to me with no strings. It is now my turn to do the same. And honestly, I am grateful for the opportunity...

- I recently got a gym membership (too d@mn cold to be workin out in the garage at the house) and had a free session with a personal trainer today. The session went great and I think I might have to make that investment in myself and enroll in their steep a$$ personal training program. I have the drive, and this guy (the personal trainer) has the knowledge to help me reach my fitness goals. SIGN ME UP!!!

- I've been placing my law school applications lower on my priority list for reasons I cannot in my right mind justify. For some reason, I have a tremendous fear of rejection from any of the law schools I apply to. I can't really explain it, but for some reason, negative thoughts permeate my mind whenever I think about the law school application process. It is a problem that I'm going to have to be willing to face head on sooner rather than later. My future happiness depends on it.

- I really REALLY need to invest in a couple tins of Carmex. For the past week, I've been at work lookin like LL Cool J lickin my d@mn lips every ten seconds, even while I'm talkin to customers. This old white lady must have thought I was comin onto her, because she said, "I know why they hired you...cuz you're a CUTIE!" [awkward silence] Uh, thanks Methuselah....


That is all! (I think....)

WTF

Ok here's the background...I had a flight to go home on New Year's Eve around 10pm. I get to the airport early, have a couple drinks at the bar (cuz I don't really like flyin) and when I walk to my gate, my flight is CANCELLED. Me being the cool, calm, and collected type, I roll wit the punches and just ask what the airline is gonna do for ya boy cuz they f#@ked up. They give me a room at a nice a$$ hotel, money for breakfast in the morning, and put me on the next flight out in the morning. BET. So I start scrollin through the phone tryin to figure out what's gonna be the move for the nite. I decided to call this chick/jumpoff that I've been messin wit a couple times when I had nothing else to do. Tell her I'm goin to my man's crib to celebrate New Year's for a hot second and when I'm dun I'll hit her and she can meet me at the hotel. She says coo. BET. Go to the homie's spot, see what's shakin for a sec, get liq'd up, then make my way back to the hotel. I call chick and she meets me at the spot. We get to the room and proceed to doin the grown. Only thing is, I don't buss. This is the 2nd time ya boy has failed to reach a climax wit chick/jumpoff. Ain't dat some bullsh*t?! Bottom line, this chick couldn't take care of a d*ck if the muf#@ka came wit an instruction manual. I don't have the patience, nor do I like her enough to try to educate her young a$$. I'll leave that to the next nig. She said she had a bf for a long time prior to kickin it wit me, but I'm left wonderin wtf they were doin for ____ months/years. Dry humpin? I thought about thinkin of some other chick and hoppin back in so I can finish, but it wasn't even worth the effort. Needless to say, chick got canceled. If she ever bothers to ask why, I will be compelled to answer truthfully. Not for my sake, but for the next man...I am my brother's keeper :)