In the Right Direction

"It's a very slow process - two steps forward, one step back - but I'm inching in the right direction."

- Rob Reiner

Rob Reiner, director of some of my favorite ever (The Princess Bride, A Few Good Men, Ghosts of Mississippi, etc.), was talking about making a movie, but I think this quote applies to my life right now. I've learned so much about myself and my own thought processes, what was right, what was wrong, etc. and I feel like 20 years from now, I'm going to look back at this period of my life as critical to the success I will achieve in the future. But given all of my progress, some days are still easier than others. Some days I feel more negative energy than I would like, but the difference is now I'm more aware of the energy I put out, and how people react to it. I've dedicated myself to the positive, not by ignoring or compartmentalizing negative thoughts or actions, but by facing the source of that negativity and conquering it. I've begun to pray aloud every night before I rest my head (I've noticed that for me, speaking aloud allows me to channel what my spirit is really feeling in a way that praying in my head doesn't. My mind tends to go all over the place when I try to talk to God within my head.), and I have noticed the effect it has on my general disposition (which I've admitted in prior blogs, can be "inconsistent").

In other news, I've been receiving compliments about my improving physique and I'm loving every minute of it. As I've said earlier in blogs, I've decided that I'm going to take every step to make the person that I am in this real world match the person that I want to be in my mind's eye, and being in shape is part of my foundation for achieving that. I have always linked physical and mental discipline, not saying that you can't have one without the other, but even science recognizes the link between diet, physical activity, and mental function. I kind of wish I would've taken before and after pictures so I could see what other people see, but it is what it is. I just know if I keep working out everyday, good things will happen. That's my fitness plan in a nutshell.

On the job side, I'm trying to find another clerk job at another prestigious law firm. In my current situation, I am learning from the big homies how to hustle, but that has never been who I am and I don't want it to be. No matter how good your hustle is, I've never been a fan of the inherent inconsistency associated with it. You can't raise a family on a hustle, but you can on a job. Plus, hustlers don't have benefits or a retirement plan, and I'm a fan of both. Call me square playa, but like Popeye the Sailor, "I yam what I yam!"

yurp.

Family

I'm currently in Ohio seeing my family (most of us are in Ohio). Everytime I come back, I get an overwhelming sense of self-confidence and reassurance. As far as self-confidence, I don't think outwardly I have any problems with it, but I know that sometimes my self-confidence comes across as arrogance and that is an internal issue of self-confidence. Internally, self-confidence isn't spoken, it's felt. I know we could always use reassurance, especially when we are at somewhat of a crossroads in our lives, which I feel like I'm in right now. Seeing family reminds me that no matter what, whichever path I choose, however I may feel about myself, there are those that love me absolutely unconditionally. It is my goal for this year to strengthen my communication with them while I'm away so I can tap into those feelings when I'm not around. When I see them, I see me. I see six of us sleeping feet to head in a twin bed. Baths in the kitchen sink. I see times where all we had was our love for each other and us being together to make it through. I see how my cousins' faces light up when they see me, the one in Atlanta "doing big things." I feel my need to make it happen not only for me, but for them. I see my little brothers, who are so excited to have an older brother and want to follow me everywhere I go and never want me to leave. I see a lot of things. But the most important thing I see is the love we all have for each other and how I know that love is NEVER going anywhere.

"What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories." ~George Eliot