Life Is Precious

I didn't talk about this a couple days ago, but the tragic death of Bengals WR Chris Henry moved me to blog...

Earlier this week, I met an elderly white lady at work. I made the sale, and during the course of our small talk, she revealed to me that she had a terminal illness. She had tumors in BOTH lungs and had cancer in her liver. My first response was to say I'm sorry to hear that, but she quickly told me not to feel sorry because everything happens for a reason. I told her that I feel the same way, but I wouldn't know how to react if the doctor told me something as disheartening as that. She said she was hurt at first, but her faith is what got her through the initial shock. She even said she had went on to get married (this lady couldn't have been less than 55 btw) recently to a man she met online. She then went on to tell me how she was on her way to visit family in Florida for the holidays and how excited she was. I never had met anyone who really knew that they were going to die soon, so I asked her if knowing that her life wouldn't be much longer made everyday more special and she said yes. She said that everyday is a blessing and healthy young people like me should feel the same way. We had a few more words before she got on the plane...

What stuck with me was first and foremost her positivity. She literally was looking death in the face and didn't allow it to defeat her. I admired her courage. I wondered how I could/would operate in the same situation and I have no idea. That is one of those scenarios that you couldn't really imagine it until you're in it.

The sudden death of Chris Henry struck a chord with me because we were both the same age. He, like I, had made some mistakes in his life but was doing the best he could to become a better man for it. The only difference is that his journey has been cut short before he could actualize the person that he knew he could be.

I thank God that he has given me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, and I hope that he sees fit to grant me the opportunity to be that person that I see in my mind's eye. As I mature, I am learning to appreciate the journey as much as the destination. I thank God for that as well...




"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good."
- Author Unknown

Judge Dredd

In 2009, I've tried to work on being less judgmental. I've spent a lot of my life judging others and painting people with large paintbrushes. This was fine with me until I was put in a situation where someone I cared about was (in my opinion) judgmental of me. It struck me when I pleaded that just because I lied, I'm not a liar. Just because I cheated, I'm not a cheater. I then saw the situation for what it was. God wanted to humble me. Up until that point, I had many discussions with people about my very "black-and-white" perspective on life. You were either right or wrong. You were either good or bad. It worked for me because my mind had created a world where I was always right and I was always good. When I went through that situation, for the first time in my life, I questioned whether or not I was a good person. I questioned everything about myself. Am I a liar? Am I no good for anyone? Am I really that selfish? For a few months I beat myself up. I became a recluse. I didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to meet any new people. I felt that I didn't deserve to be seen. I felt I didn't even deserve to talk to my family for a time. "They're good people, I don't deserve to associate myself with them." Not until I realized that nobody is perfect could I look myself in the mirror. I had to learn how to forgive myself. I had to acknowledge the many shades of gray that colour the world. Now, when someone does something that I think is wrong, I don't quickly jump on my soapbox and condemn. I don't even mentally jump to a conclusion about their character. I simply let it be. It isn't my duty to correct or admonish them. Change is an internal process not an external one. My only job is to focus on MY path, work on MY faults, and in doing that I hope to attract others who do the same and inspire those who do not.

"When we see men of contrary character, we should turn inward and examine ourselves."
- Confucius

Milestones

2 things happened to me yesterday that I might consider milestones...or at least "highway markers" on the highway of self-improvement.

First thing, I was workin out yesterday. It was hot and sunny outside so I had my shirt off and was doing some cardio stuff (runnin up the hill in the front yard, jump rope, etc.) and one of the homies pulled up to the house. I stopped to say whassup and he said, "What you workin on today? Abs?" Now asking what I'm working on, for those who don't regularly take care of themselves physically, is referring to which muscle group I'm emphasizing that day. Now, what made me smile after he walked into the crib was, he not only asked me what muscle group I was working on, but he made the point of asking whether I was working on my abs. Again, for those who don't regularly hit the gym, when people try to guess it is because typically when you emphasize a muscle group it will look larger than normal or more defined than normal so you can usually guess correctly which muscle group any given person is working on by just looking at their body structure. Now he guessed abs, implying that my abs were looking right, and what made my day was that I wasn't doin abs AT ALL yesterday! Nothing worth mentioning to some, but definitely a sign that I'm moving in the right direction physically.

Now the other "milestone" is a little more "deep" shall we say. Yesterday evening, I was at the house by myself, the way I spend most weekends nowadays, and I was washing dishes and listening to music. Jazmine Sullivan's "After the Hurricane" came on and about halfway through the song, I cried. Seriously. Why exactly it happened, I can't fully explain, but I remember thinking about the lyrics to the song, about a man that destroys the people around him like a "hurricane", and how that song related to me and what I had done in past relationships, then about how my pops used to do the same thing to women, then how he wasn't around for me to talk about how I felt about it with, then, frankly, I lost it. I cried for a good minute. I mean "cryin so hard u get that ugly look on yo face" crying. I pulled it back together before the song was over, but I thought about how long it had been since I cried. The last time I had cried was at my pop's funeral, and that was in 2002. This is not me trying to be hard (hell if I was, I wouldn't have told you that I cried in the first place) but anyone who knows me knows that my feelings and I, we don't have the most "communicative" relationship. My mind has trained itself to quickly lock them away somewhere within the depths of my soul (an ability which has contributed greatly to my ability in the past to be extremely cold to those I care about). Either way, what I knew is that after that minute or so of "losing it", I felt better. Like some weight hadn't been lifted, but lightened on my shoulders. Now this doesn't mean that I'm liable to start cryin "just like a b$#ch" (to quote Dave Chappelle) at any given moment, but, as I blogged about in earlier posts, I have been making more of an effort to let people know how I feel about them and it starts with me letting myself know how I feel. My mind taking a moment to allow myself to feel the hurt that I harbor with me, and then communicating with my body to react to "let it go" is a powerful thing, at least for someone like me. Someone people refer to as "nonchalant". Everyone has feelings. EVERYONE. I think Nietzsche said something powerful when he said, "He who cannot give anything away cannot feel anything either." The more I give of myself, the more in touch I am becoming with my own feelings, moods, etc. Giving is much more than just a physical action. It is an almost spiritual rite. When I give of myself to someone, honestly, and openly, I am giving a piece of my soul, my God-given light, to them. Enough of my commentary, I'll end with this quote:

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

-Maya Angelou

I Had To...

I jacked this from another blog...it was in an email...

[A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package: "This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package."

He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

"She got this the first time we went to New York , 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on, was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is it. He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothings he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died. He turned to me and said:

"Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion".

I still think those words changed my life.

Now I read more and clean less.

I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.

I spend more time with my family, and less at work.

I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through. I no longer keep anything. I use crystal glasses every day.. I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if i feel like it.

I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to. The words "Someday..." and "One Day..." are fading away from my dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now. I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be t here the next morning, this nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.

She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favorite food. It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come.

I would regret it, because I would no longer see the friends I would meet, letters... that I wanted to write "One of these days".

I would regret and feel sad, because I didn't say to my brother and sisters, son and daughters, not times enough at least, how much I love them.

Now, I try not to delay, postpone or keep anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives... And, on each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day..

Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.

If you got this, it's because someone cares for you and because, probably, there's someone you care about.

If you're too busy to send this out to other people and you say to yourself that you will send it "One of these days", remember that "One day" is far away... or might never come...

No matter if you're superstitious or not, spend some time reading it. It holds useful messages for the soul.]

Marinate on that...