I'm feeling really good about how 2009 is ending. For the 1st time in a while I'll be able to get (nice) gifts for my mom and my sister and also get plenty of toys for my little brothers. On the music side, we got a few checks comin in at the end of the year so that'll be some more money for ya boy to stack up a little. The job is hard. VERY hard. But I remind myself everyday how hard I prayed just to get this job and how I felt when I didn't have a job.
Looking back (is it too early to do this?) on 2009, it really has been the most significant year of my life. I'm in a totally different place not only literally, but mentally, from where I was at the beginning of this year. It almost seems so far away. It really is like they say, "What a difference a year makes..."
I'm anxious and excited about what 2010 will be like. I know it only gets better...
Showing posts with label personal growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal growth. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Baby Boy
When I left my (in hindsight) cushy law clerk job to pursue my interests in the music industry, I was excited. Excited about the possibilities. Excited about meeting new people, some of them famous (a lil groupie-ish I kno). What I was most excited about was jumping into a culture surrounded by risk-takers. People that "bucked the system", created new trends. People that were willing to sacrifice everything for their dreams. What I didn't realize was in that jumping aboard that train, I also plunged myself into one of my worst nightmares; a vicious cycle of dependency upon others.
My first job I worked for free at a management/consulting company. I consulted clients on legal matters, educated them on the basics of contract law, etc. How was I able to work for free and still eat you ask? With the support of my girlfriend at the time (whom I had to move in with to take the job) and my mother who always supports me even when she knows I'm being a dumba$$. Fast forward about 2 years, and I have another "job" (also free) with a more prestigious company, working with some of the industry's best and brightest. Then, my girlfriend at the time and I break up. Guess what Jody? Pack your sh*t and kick rocks. Ok. Bet. I end up moving in with another guy that I started working for (not quite free, but close) who also works with some of the industry's best and brightest. Fast forward another year. I attain my epiphany that I wrote about a couple weeks ago, and commit myself to finding a job and getting into law school. "Boss" notices the extra time I spend on the computer. He notices the law school informational letters I get almost everyday. "Boss" says to me, "I think you have another agenda, like you don't really wanna be here." I respond with silence (telling myself I saw this comin). "Boss" says, "I think it's best we part ways now before money shows up. You can stay while you're working out your job and new living situation." Ok. Bet.
Had a long conversation with my mom (my rock) about the whole situation and after she gives me what amounts to an hour long "I told you so", she says some deep sh*t:
"You never really learn who you are until you learn how to take care of yourself. Being able to build and sustain that kind of independence always gives you a hope. A hope that no matter what happens, you can get through it...See, that was yo daddy's problem (starts soundin like Charlie Brown's teacher)..."
Word. I've learned a lot about myself in the time that I've separated from my on-and-off SO of about 7 years. I honestly didn't know as much as I thought I did about myself. I really had no clue what to do without her. Were the things I wanted to do what I really wanted to do or were they things I trained myself to enjoy in a relationship? I have since gained much more insight about myself, but there was always a feeling of slight discontentment with my disposition in life. I knew it was time for me to take the next step and I know this is the impetus God has given me to make that next step. I have a new job (thank God!) and am currently dreaming about what I would put in an apartment that was mine, all mine. Ain't gonna be no ni@@a in the kitchen butt naked making breakfast (not that that's ever happened to me before, but you get the reference). If any ni@@a in the kitchen butt naked, it's gonna be ME.
I can't wait...
"Discontent is want of self-reliance; it is infirmity of will."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
My first job I worked for free at a management/consulting company. I consulted clients on legal matters, educated them on the basics of contract law, etc. How was I able to work for free and still eat you ask? With the support of my girlfriend at the time (whom I had to move in with to take the job) and my mother who always supports me even when she knows I'm being a dumba$$. Fast forward about 2 years, and I have another "job" (also free) with a more prestigious company, working with some of the industry's best and brightest. Then, my girlfriend at the time and I break up. Guess what Jody? Pack your sh*t and kick rocks. Ok. Bet. I end up moving in with another guy that I started working for (not quite free, but close) who also works with some of the industry's best and brightest. Fast forward another year. I attain my epiphany that I wrote about a couple weeks ago, and commit myself to finding a job and getting into law school. "Boss" notices the extra time I spend on the computer. He notices the law school informational letters I get almost everyday. "Boss" says to me, "I think you have another agenda, like you don't really wanna be here." I respond with silence (telling myself I saw this comin). "Boss" says, "I think it's best we part ways now before money shows up. You can stay while you're working out your job and new living situation." Ok. Bet.
Had a long conversation with my mom (my rock) about the whole situation and after she gives me what amounts to an hour long "I told you so", she says some deep sh*t:
"You never really learn who you are until you learn how to take care of yourself. Being able to build and sustain that kind of independence always gives you a hope. A hope that no matter what happens, you can get through it...See, that was yo daddy's problem (starts soundin like Charlie Brown's teacher)..."
Word. I've learned a lot about myself in the time that I've separated from my on-and-off SO of about 7 years. I honestly didn't know as much as I thought I did about myself. I really had no clue what to do without her. Were the things I wanted to do what I really wanted to do or were they things I trained myself to enjoy in a relationship? I have since gained much more insight about myself, but there was always a feeling of slight discontentment with my disposition in life. I knew it was time for me to take the next step and I know this is the impetus God has given me to make that next step. I have a new job (thank God!) and am currently dreaming about what I would put in an apartment that was mine, all mine. Ain't gonna be no ni@@a in the kitchen butt naked making breakfast (not that that's ever happened to me before, but you get the reference). If any ni@@a in the kitchen butt naked, it's gonna be ME.
I can't wait...
"Discontent is want of self-reliance; it is infirmity of will."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Friday, September 25, 2009
Wisdom vs. Knowledge
I've always been someone people would categorize as smart or intelligent. I have always been curious, causing me to relish learning new things (things which I choose to learn at the time I choose to learn them, to be more specific). I've also been called "wise" by some. The latter of which I very much took to heart. I'm beginning to realize how much I and the people that referred to me as wise were misinterpreting the word. Many people, myself included, don't necessarily equate knowledge and wisdom, but we do underestimate the division between them. I, like most people, understand that knowledge and wisdom are associated, but the more I reflect, I'm discerning the link between the two. Knowledge has more to with the information that one's mind gathers and wisdom has more to do with how one's mind utilizes that information.
I was having a debate with someone today at the studio and, as anyone who knows me can attest to, I have the tendency to make it a point to assert my command of a subject rather than create a point of mutual understanding. That method of debate typically leads to an impasse, where everyone merely agrees to disagree and there is no real learning involved in the usually drawn out discussion. I noticed myself heading down that all too familiar path and I paused, took a breathe, and focused on finding a middle ground and then furthering the discussion from there (I also tend to use my listening skills to catch people misusing words, despite me knowing their intent, but that is another fault to be discussed another day). What I realized is wisdom is in that breathe that I took. Recognizing that the true goal of debate is to create a point of mutual understanding and learning between both parties and putting that realization in action is, to me, the very definition of a "wise" action. For a long time, I have used the knowledge that I gain to suppress the opinions and ideas of those who disagree with my own opinions and ideas. I have used my knowledge to destroy rather than build. Rome wasn't built in a day, but recognition is the beginning of all progress right?
"There are three methods to gaining wisdom. The first is reflection, which is the highest. The second is limitation, which is the easiest. The third is experience, which is the bitterest."
- Confucius
I was having a debate with someone today at the studio and, as anyone who knows me can attest to, I have the tendency to make it a point to assert my command of a subject rather than create a point of mutual understanding. That method of debate typically leads to an impasse, where everyone merely agrees to disagree and there is no real learning involved in the usually drawn out discussion. I noticed myself heading down that all too familiar path and I paused, took a breathe, and focused on finding a middle ground and then furthering the discussion from there (I also tend to use my listening skills to catch people misusing words, despite me knowing their intent, but that is another fault to be discussed another day). What I realized is wisdom is in that breathe that I took. Recognizing that the true goal of debate is to create a point of mutual understanding and learning between both parties and putting that realization in action is, to me, the very definition of a "wise" action. For a long time, I have used the knowledge that I gain to suppress the opinions and ideas of those who disagree with my own opinions and ideas. I have used my knowledge to destroy rather than build. Rome wasn't built in a day, but recognition is the beginning of all progress right?
"There are three methods to gaining wisdom. The first is reflection, which is the highest. The second is limitation, which is the easiest. The third is experience, which is the bitterest."
- Confucius
Monday, August 31, 2009
Milestones
2 things happened to me yesterday that I might consider milestones...or at least "highway markers" on the highway of self-improvement.
First thing, I was workin out yesterday. It was hot and sunny outside so I had my shirt off and was doing some cardio stuff (runnin up the hill in the front yard, jump rope, etc.) and one of the homies pulled up to the house. I stopped to say whassup and he said, "What you workin on today? Abs?" Now asking what I'm working on, for those who don't regularly take care of themselves physically, is referring to which muscle group I'm emphasizing that day. Now, what made me smile after he walked into the crib was, he not only asked me what muscle group I was working on, but he made the point of asking whether I was working on my abs. Again, for those who don't regularly hit the gym, when people try to guess it is because typically when you emphasize a muscle group it will look larger than normal or more defined than normal so you can usually guess correctly which muscle group any given person is working on by just looking at their body structure. Now he guessed abs, implying that my abs were looking right, and what made my day was that I wasn't doin abs AT ALL yesterday! Nothing worth mentioning to some, but definitely a sign that I'm moving in the right direction physically.
Now the other "milestone" is a little more "deep" shall we say. Yesterday evening, I was at the house by myself, the way I spend most weekends nowadays, and I was washing dishes and listening to music. Jazmine Sullivan's "After the Hurricane" came on and about halfway through the song, I cried. Seriously. Why exactly it happened, I can't fully explain, but I remember thinking about the lyrics to the song, about a man that destroys the people around him like a "hurricane", and how that song related to me and what I had done in past relationships, then about how my pops used to do the same thing to women, then how he wasn't around for me to talk about how I felt about it with, then, frankly, I lost it. I cried for a good minute. I mean "cryin so hard u get that ugly look on yo face" crying. I pulled it back together before the song was over, but I thought about how long it had been since I cried. The last time I had cried was at my pop's funeral, and that was in 2002. This is not me trying to be hard (hell if I was, I wouldn't have told you that I cried in the first place) but anyone who knows me knows that my feelings and I, we don't have the most "communicative" relationship. My mind has trained itself to quickly lock them away somewhere within the depths of my soul (an ability which has contributed greatly to my ability in the past to be extremely cold to those I care about). Either way, what I knew is that after that minute or so of "losing it", I felt better. Like some weight hadn't been lifted, but lightened on my shoulders. Now this doesn't mean that I'm liable to start cryin "just like a b$#ch" (to quote Dave Chappelle) at any given moment, but, as I blogged about in earlier posts, I have been making more of an effort to let people know how I feel about them and it starts with me letting myself know how I feel. My mind taking a moment to allow myself to feel the hurt that I harbor with me, and then communicating with my body to react to "let it go" is a powerful thing, at least for someone like me. Someone people refer to as "nonchalant". Everyone has feelings. EVERYONE. I think Nietzsche said something powerful when he said, "He who cannot give anything away cannot feel anything either." The more I give of myself, the more in touch I am becoming with my own feelings, moods, etc. Giving is much more than just a physical action. It is an almost spiritual rite. When I give of myself to someone, honestly, and openly, I am giving a piece of my soul, my God-given light, to them. Enough of my commentary, I'll end with this quote:
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
-Maya Angelou
First thing, I was workin out yesterday. It was hot and sunny outside so I had my shirt off and was doing some cardio stuff (runnin up the hill in the front yard, jump rope, etc.) and one of the homies pulled up to the house. I stopped to say whassup and he said, "What you workin on today? Abs?" Now asking what I'm working on, for those who don't regularly take care of themselves physically, is referring to which muscle group I'm emphasizing that day. Now, what made me smile after he walked into the crib was, he not only asked me what muscle group I was working on, but he made the point of asking whether I was working on my abs. Again, for those who don't regularly hit the gym, when people try to guess it is because typically when you emphasize a muscle group it will look larger than normal or more defined than normal so you can usually guess correctly which muscle group any given person is working on by just looking at their body structure. Now he guessed abs, implying that my abs were looking right, and what made my day was that I wasn't doin abs AT ALL yesterday! Nothing worth mentioning to some, but definitely a sign that I'm moving in the right direction physically.
Now the other "milestone" is a little more "deep" shall we say. Yesterday evening, I was at the house by myself, the way I spend most weekends nowadays, and I was washing dishes and listening to music. Jazmine Sullivan's "After the Hurricane" came on and about halfway through the song, I cried. Seriously. Why exactly it happened, I can't fully explain, but I remember thinking about the lyrics to the song, about a man that destroys the people around him like a "hurricane", and how that song related to me and what I had done in past relationships, then about how my pops used to do the same thing to women, then how he wasn't around for me to talk about how I felt about it with, then, frankly, I lost it. I cried for a good minute. I mean "cryin so hard u get that ugly look on yo face" crying. I pulled it back together before the song was over, but I thought about how long it had been since I cried. The last time I had cried was at my pop's funeral, and that was in 2002. This is not me trying to be hard (hell if I was, I wouldn't have told you that I cried in the first place) but anyone who knows me knows that my feelings and I, we don't have the most "communicative" relationship. My mind has trained itself to quickly lock them away somewhere within the depths of my soul (an ability which has contributed greatly to my ability in the past to be extremely cold to those I care about). Either way, what I knew is that after that minute or so of "losing it", I felt better. Like some weight hadn't been lifted, but lightened on my shoulders. Now this doesn't mean that I'm liable to start cryin "just like a b$#ch" (to quote Dave Chappelle) at any given moment, but, as I blogged about in earlier posts, I have been making more of an effort to let people know how I feel about them and it starts with me letting myself know how I feel. My mind taking a moment to allow myself to feel the hurt that I harbor with me, and then communicating with my body to react to "let it go" is a powerful thing, at least for someone like me. Someone people refer to as "nonchalant". Everyone has feelings. EVERYONE. I think Nietzsche said something powerful when he said, "He who cannot give anything away cannot feel anything either." The more I give of myself, the more in touch I am becoming with my own feelings, moods, etc. Giving is much more than just a physical action. It is an almost spiritual rite. When I give of myself to someone, honestly, and openly, I am giving a piece of my soul, my God-given light, to them. Enough of my commentary, I'll end with this quote:
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
-Maya Angelou
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Teacher?
I've always been a "treasure trove" of random facts and information. Very nerdish I know, but I've always soaked up random facts very quickly, whether it be from the zoobooks my mom would buy me as a kid, or I remember when I was in junior high, my mom would always buy cases of that diet snapple stuff and there was always random factoids under the bottlecap and I would make it my business to read and memorize every one (again VERY nerdish I know). Really, I've always had a gift for being able to read something, and store it in my long term memory fairly quickly.
Today, one of the homies asked me to start teaching "classes" to everyone on the team on various aspects of the music business, from music publishing to understanding basic artist contract language. It was not the first time someone asked me to do this, but I've always kind of avoided doing that because the idea of teaching makes me a little bit nervous. Not that I don't know the topic, but what if I say the wrong thing, or how would everyone feel about me being about 10 years younger than everyone else teaching them about the music business? They've all been in the business longer than me, so I get uncomfortable at the thought of teaching them something about the biz.
I decided that I'm going to go ahead with it and, as soon as I get finished with this blog, I'm going to figure out somewhat of a lesson plan for the "class". Again, as I've said before, this year is going to be the year of growth for me, and I've noticed that one thing that I've done a lot of in my life is garner a lot of information but never share it. And when I do happen to share it, it is usually in a unnecessarily condescending manner. Everyone I meet can quickly tell I'm smart, but there's a fine line between being smart and being a smart-ass.
I can never be someone I've never been if I don't do anything I've never done...so...class will be in session!
Today, one of the homies asked me to start teaching "classes" to everyone on the team on various aspects of the music business, from music publishing to understanding basic artist contract language. It was not the first time someone asked me to do this, but I've always kind of avoided doing that because the idea of teaching makes me a little bit nervous. Not that I don't know the topic, but what if I say the wrong thing, or how would everyone feel about me being about 10 years younger than everyone else teaching them about the music business? They've all been in the business longer than me, so I get uncomfortable at the thought of teaching them something about the biz.
I decided that I'm going to go ahead with it and, as soon as I get finished with this blog, I'm going to figure out somewhat of a lesson plan for the "class". Again, as I've said before, this year is going to be the year of growth for me, and I've noticed that one thing that I've done a lot of in my life is garner a lot of information but never share it. And when I do happen to share it, it is usually in a unnecessarily condescending manner. Everyone I meet can quickly tell I'm smart, but there's a fine line between being smart and being a smart-ass.
I can never be someone I've never been if I don't do anything I've never done...so...class will be in session!
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