Baby Boy

When I left my (in hindsight) cushy law clerk job to pursue my interests in the music industry, I was excited. Excited about the possibilities. Excited about meeting new people, some of them famous (a lil groupie-ish I kno). What I was most excited about was jumping into a culture surrounded by risk-takers. People that "bucked the system", created new trends. People that were willing to sacrifice everything for their dreams. What I didn't realize was in that jumping aboard that train, I also plunged myself into one of my worst nightmares; a vicious cycle of dependency upon others.

My first job I worked for free at a management/consulting company. I consulted clients on legal matters, educated them on the basics of contract law, etc. How was I able to work for free and still eat you ask? With the support of my girlfriend at the time (whom I had to move in with to take the job) and my mother who always supports me even when she knows I'm being a dumba$$. Fast forward about 2 years, and I have another "job" (also free) with a more prestigious company, working with some of the industry's best and brightest. Then, my girlfriend at the time and I break up. Guess what Jody? Pack your sh*t and kick rocks. Ok. Bet. I end up moving in with another guy that I started working for (not quite free, but close) who also works with some of the industry's best and brightest. Fast forward another year. I attain my epiphany that I wrote about a couple weeks ago, and commit myself to finding a job and getting into law school. "Boss" notices the extra time I spend on the computer. He notices the law school informational letters I get almost everyday. "Boss" says to me, "I think you have another agenda, like you don't really wanna be here." I respond with silence (telling myself I saw this comin). "Boss" says, "I think it's best we part ways now before money shows up. You can stay while you're working out your job and new living situation." Ok. Bet.

Had a long conversation with my mom (my rock) about the whole situation and after she gives me what amounts to an hour long "I told you so", she says some deep sh*t:

"You never really learn who you are until you learn how to take care of yourself. Being able to build and sustain that kind of independence always gives you a hope. A hope that no matter what happens, you can get through it...See, that was yo daddy's problem (starts soundin like Charlie Brown's teacher)..."

Word. I've learned a lot about myself in the time that I've separated from my on-and-off SO of about 7 years. I honestly didn't know as much as I thought I did about myself. I really had no clue what to do without her. Were the things I wanted to do what I really wanted to do or were they things I trained myself to enjoy in a relationship? I have since gained much more insight about myself, but there was always a feeling of slight discontentment with my disposition in life. I knew it was time for me to take the next step and I know this is the impetus God has given me to make that next step. I have a new job (thank God!) and am currently dreaming about what I would put in an apartment that was mine, all mine. Ain't gonna be no ni@@a in the kitchen butt naked making breakfast (not that that's ever happened to me before, but you get the reference). If any ni@@a in the kitchen butt naked, it's gonna be ME.

I can't wait...

"Discontent is want of self-reliance; it is infirmity of will."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Light Is On

Had a job interview today...I think it went well, but I'll find out tomorrow if they like me enough to give me a job. I really hope they do. I feel like, in the situation that I'm in, living with my co-workers, people tend to de-value what I do. At first I was mad, but then I told myself that I can't be mad at human nature. When people have the ability to have use you on an almost "on-call" basis all day every day, they don't have the time to appreciate what you do because there's never a time when you're not there.

For so long (almost 2 and a half years), I've sacrificed how I want to live now, for where I want to be later. Not that that's a bad thing, but I think I may have taken that ethos to the extreme. I've been exploring the music industry for some time now, and learned a lot about myself. I've been broker than broke, and I've been just okay, but I've yet to maximize my earning power in this industry. One thing I've noticed in this industry is that many people (like myself)do dumb things (ie don't get regular jobs) because of this ideal of "sacrifice". We almost attach a kind of nobility to being broke until we "make it". We create illogical barriers such as "I can't get a job, because if I do, people in the industry might see me working, and that will hurt my reputation in the business." How foolish is this arguing why you can't get a job, but also argue that you have to make it a point to look like you have money. We perpetuate this "fake it 'til you make it" proverb, which only continues the vicious cycle of ni@@az doin ni@@a sh*t.

I say all of that to say, that I now refuse to live this life anymore. I refuse to be the best dressed poor guy you know (clothes bought when I HAD a job). Today I watched someone go through their phone looking for someone they could borrow gas money from, get the money, come back and put on a $600 outfit (literally) and go about their business. I'm not judging in any way, because I am guilty of committing the same act of coonery (not quite $600, but maybe $150). I only use that as a microcosm of what is going on in this industry.

To paraphrase the famous Pogo quote: I have met the enemy, and he is I.

True Freedom

"Poverty breeds lack of self-reliance." - Daniel Deleon

Truer words were never spoken. The last few years of my life, while I have been pursuing this music career, I have become someone else. Someone my mother never raised me to be. Someone that relies entirely too much upon the words/actions of others. It seems, for the sake of the dream, I have sacrificed much of my soul. I know it may seem like hyperbole, but I woke up this morning, wondering "How did I get here?" Most who knew me "pre-industry" would have never predicted the circumstances I have currently found myself in. Everything in my soul is telling me this isn't how I'm supposed to be living. God didn't bring me through all he did for me to utilize/not utilize my gifts like this. I act like I'm okay with the sacrifices I'm making. Outwardly, I appear to understand this is the way it must be done in order to break through. My heart doesn't believe that. And I think it's beginning to show to my peers. For some time, I have tried to brush this feeling off as a momentary rush of frustration, but I know it runs much deeper. I've always wanted to be the 2 things things that my father wasn't. A man of his word and a self-sufficient person. In this venture in the music industry, I have gone very far off of that path. A man can provide for himself and his family if he has one. By my own standards, I am not a man. That is unacceptable. I am more. I will be more.

"Self-reliance is the only road to true freedom, and being one's own person is its ultimate reward." - Patricia Sampson

Amen.