Me vs. Women

My current track record with women is, less than stellar, to use an appropriate euphemism. It's not that I attract less than stellar women. Not to thump my chest and say my game is so crazy, but I can honestly say that every women I've dated has been pretty stable. The problem has typically been me. The fact that I'm such an enigma, even to myself at times, creates so many problems for me in relationships despite my best intentions. A little over two months ago, I ended an on and off again 7 year relationship. I say I because I was the one that caused it to be ended. I had a physical and emotional affair with another woman, even finding out that I had impregnated the "other woman" (The baby was quickly aborted. Don't ask me how I feel about it, I don't know). I think about it everyday, replaying when I got caught, how I got caught, how I handled being caught, the hurt I caused to both of the women involved, the shoulda, woulda, coulda's. At the end of the day, I am where I am because of my actions alone, so alone is how I am. The thing that really vexes me is the one I cheated on was the woman that I cared about the most in this world, outside of my mother (which makes my actions even more perplexing, I know). We had many ups and downs over the course of our relationship, but I had always thought that no matter what, in the end, we would end up with the white picket fence, couple kids, and a dog. For the very first time in my life, I am beginning to truly question how my life is going to end up. Whatever I've gone through or done wrong in my life, a part of me always said in the back of my mind, "Don't worry too much, it's going to be alright." Now I'm not so sure. I'm in an emotional space I've never been in before and to be honest, it's scary. Again, somebody pray for me.

I've decided to compose a "soundtrack" to how I've been feeling lately...

Break Up - Mario featuring Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett

By Any Means - Joe

Love Of My Life - Case

Missing You - Case

Last Chance - Ginuwine

Missin You - Trey Songz

WHOS LOVIN YOU - JACKSON 5 - JACKSON 5

There you have it...emotional rollercoaster....But you live and (hopefully) you learn, and I know I NEVER want to feel like this again...Clarence Darrow said, "Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself..."...Time to buy some track shoes...

Man-made Television

I just got the chance to finally watch Season 4 of the best show on television, HBO's The Wire (If you happen to disagree and you are male, I will be forced to pull out every straight black man's trump card and question your sexuality). I was waiting for it to get on dvd (you know ya homie ain't payin 25$ a month for ONE series). One of my coworkers told me that he had managed to TiVo all of season 4. To my delight, he also had put all of the episodes on disc and offered to bring it in. Of course, I accepted and after 2 damn near sleepless nights, I was able to finish Season 4. The next day I couldn't wait to get to work to talk about the show (lame, but true).

While we were discussing the greatness of the show (details of the show are withheld in case you've been in a coma or aliens snatched your tv) and also demeaning one of my male coworkers for having never watched the show (Re-runs on BET don't count), it occurred to me, we were talking like women do about soaps. What is really the difference between the way were loudly talking about who got shot, what ninja acted b$#ch-made, and whose a$$ we would beat on GP, and when females get to talking about what happened on the season finale of Girlfriends or Sex and the City? The only difference is foul language, guns, crackheads, and random molly whoppin.

BUT, there is a difference, MEN DON'T WATCH SOAPS. Soaps are predictable. You KNOW rich-a$$ Melissa is gonna take rich-a$$ Heather's man, causing Heather to come up with some stupendously stupid plan to kill Melissa, when her otherwise fine a$$ could just as easily get another man or pool boy or whatever. The only predictability in men's television is that SOMEBODY gon get they a$$ whooped. We KNOW Bubbs is gonna get the crack fumes beat out of his a$$ at least once a week. Everything else is up in the air.

Subtle difference? Maybe. Enough of a difference that I'll write about it? Clearly.