Me vs. Women

My current track record with women is, less than stellar, to use an appropriate euphemism. It's not that I attract less than stellar women. Not to thump my chest and say my game is so crazy, but I can honestly say that every women I've dated has been pretty stable. The problem has typically been me. The fact that I'm such an enigma, even to myself at times, creates so many problems for me in relationships despite my best intentions. A little over two months ago, I ended an on and off again 7 year relationship. I say I because I was the one that caused it to be ended. I had a physical and emotional affair with another woman, even finding out that I had impregnated the "other woman" (The baby was quickly aborted. Don't ask me how I feel about it, I don't know). I think about it everyday, replaying when I got caught, how I got caught, how I handled being caught, the hurt I caused to both of the women involved, the shoulda, woulda, coulda's. At the end of the day, I am where I am because of my actions alone, so alone is how I am. The thing that really vexes me is the one I cheated on was the woman that I cared about the most in this world, outside of my mother (which makes my actions even more perplexing, I know). We had many ups and downs over the course of our relationship, but I had always thought that no matter what, in the end, we would end up with the white picket fence, couple kids, and a dog. For the very first time in my life, I am beginning to truly question how my life is going to end up. Whatever I've gone through or done wrong in my life, a part of me always said in the back of my mind, "Don't worry too much, it's going to be alright." Now I'm not so sure. I'm in an emotional space I've never been in before and to be honest, it's scary. Again, somebody pray for me.

I've decided to compose a "soundtrack" to how I've been feeling lately...

Break Up - Mario featuring Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett

By Any Means - Joe

Love Of My Life - Case

Missing You - Case

Last Chance - Ginuwine

Missin You - Trey Songz

WHOS LOVIN YOU - JACKSON 5 - JACKSON 5

There you have it...emotional rollercoaster....But you live and (hopefully) you learn, and I know I NEVER want to feel like this again...Clarence Darrow said, "Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself..."...Time to buy some track shoes...

RIP MJ

Like the world, I was shocked and saddened when I heard about the passing of Michael Joseph Jackson. While I won't go as far to say that Michael was the soundtrack to my life or like Jesus, I wept when he died, I do recognize the impact he had on the world. In fact, my earliest memory is the premiere of Thriller on MTV in 1983, the YEAR I WAS BORN (true story). MJ was the biggest pop star to ever live and his legacy is indeed eternal. While I do take issue with the current media coverage surrounding the circumstances of his death (it seems to me like a lot of media outlets are focusing on the controversial aspects of his life, which will never be known to the world for sure due to his sudden passing, rather than what we all know him for, his music), I love turning on BET, VH1, or MTV and watching marathon after marathon of Michael's videos. Here is, to me, his best video EVER for your and my enjoyment:



May he rest in peace.

Today Was A Good Day

The last day of my family trip went pretty well. I went with my grandma to Golden Corral (fine dining I know) and went with my mom to see Ice Age 3 in 3-D. Golden Corral was coo because my grandma is absolutely hilarious and is also a HUGE gossip so she always gives me an opportunity to get the word on everybody's bizzy whether or not I ask. Also a GREAT opportunity to get dirt on my mom (not that I'm sneaky, but you never know when that information might be handy). Ice Age was a pretty good movie (I'm a sucker for animated movies, keeps you young!). I wasn't too impressed by the 3-D effects of the movie but I did dig the 3-D glasses they gave out. They weren't like the old-school flimsy ones with one blue and one red lens. These were actually somewhat stylish, very Snoopy as "Joe Cool" (Did I just date myself?). I definitely kept mine and you might even catch me rockin 'em in public (you make the clothes, the clothes don't make you). Then went to go get some new contact lenses and even got a couple pair of glasses. Most people don't know that I wear glasses, I got these contacts that I only have to change every 30 days so I only wear glasses for "style" purposes mostly. I missed the MJ memorial service, which I wanted to watch, but the movie was showing at 2pm and today is my last full day in Ohio so I said I'll spend it hanging out wit my mom instead of watching the memorial service of the greatest entertainer in the history of music (a decision that not too long ago would've gone the other way...high fives for personal growth!). Like I said, today was a good day, now I'm gonna go watch my mom make a poundcake and hopefully I'll learn something. I'm trying to expand my cooking capabilities in 2009 as well.

Deuces

Music: The Universal Language

Today I went with my mom to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. Now I usually pride myself on the diversity of my musical tastes, but they had an exhibit for Bruce Springsteen and I just couldn't get into it. Now I appreciate songs like "Born in the USA", but I won't go as far to say that I am a fan of "The Boss". And while I do appreciate the greatness of The Rolling Stones and The Beatles, I just wasn't too interested in different wardrobes Mick Jagger wore while on tour in 1872 (a joke people) or a piano John Lennon played on (God bless the dead). I was feeling a little "left out" until I came upon a small section dedicated to Hip-Hop's place in music history. While I understand that Hip-Hop as a culture is still very very new, I was happy to see something that was familiar. It was funny to see some Air Forces that Jay-Z wore in the 90's in a museum exhibit, but they guy is a living legend whether you wanna admit it or not. I think the best part of the museum was a movie you can watch that goes through all of the inductees in the HOF and plays excerpts of their music. I got goosebumps watching Woodstock footage of Joni Mitchell and watching 9 year old Michael sing his heart out in front of the Jackson 5. That movie reminded me of the power of music. It is a virtual timestamp. It can transport you to specific times and places with only a few notes. It took me on an emotional roller coaster, enjoying the timeless music of Jefferson Airplane, but also lamenting at the circumstances of their untimely deaths. The video reminded me why so many people want to be in the industry and why, even in the situation I am in, I feel blessed to be a small part of "the industry". I absolutely love love love music.

Death

This recent spree of celebrity deaths (MJ, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, Steve McNair) has really got me thinking about how fragile life is. I think about what I have done with my life to this point and how many, if any, lives I have touched with my time here. I wonder what people would say about me if I were to not wake up one day (knock on wood). I cannot without a doubt say that most people would have great things to say and that troubles me. I have always felt there is something really great I am supposed to do on this Earth before I go, but I pray I figure that out before it is too late. I pray that everyone I call a friend would call me the same, and that I become better at truly showing gratitude to those who saw the potential for greatness within me and helped me without asking for reciprocation. I pray one day that potential that those people have recognized becomes realized. I pray to one day become a blessing to this world and not someone who merely "exists". Amen.