At work today, I ran into a bubbly young lady who absolutely lit up my day. Actually she wasn't young, she was in fact a grandmother, but she had the energy of a 13 year old. Her vibe was absolutely contagious. I told her how great her spirit was and she said her mother told her that if you can't put a smile on someone's face every day, then you might as well be dead. She then brought over her husband who was just as affable. He and I spoke for about 30 minutes about his flight and then about his wife. He told me that he had met his wife when he was interviewing people to be his assistant. He said that by the end of the interview, he knew she was the one and actually gave her a kiss on the cheek and said he would call her the next day. Needless to say he hired her and the rest was history. He said his wife told him to quit his job and start a company. She said he would make a little less money the first year, but after that he would make more money than he ever had. He was scared, but he trusted her. She helped him start his company and sure enough everything she said came true. He ended up by saying that he owes all of his success to her and has been very happily married with her for 42 years and counting. He said he loves her as much today as the first time he met her.
Just meeting those two made me hopeful. After spending 5 minutes with them both, you could tell that those two were just MEANT to be together. I hope to one day have that kind of love for myself. While "dating" is fun for a while, I know the happiest moments in my life have been the ones that I have been able to share with a significant other. I believe that kind of love is out there for everyone. I guess you just have to be ready for it when it comes along. I hope I will be...
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Ho-Hum Birthday
My birthday was, to say the least, lackluster. I can come up with a bunch of bullsh*t reasons, but I know the real reason why. When you've been in a relationship for a long time (about 7 years in my case), when you break up, I mean really break up, it's extremely difficult to move on. I thought I had for the most part been able to at least deal with what I had done to put myself in this position and swallow the pill that the story of me and her won't end like a fairy tale, but it is just so d@mn hard. When you've gone through every significant event in your young adulthood with someone, there is a HUGE hole to fill when that person is gone. I've tried to fill that hole with positive things, like increased contact with family, working out, handling business, but if I learned anything today, that strategy isn't working. In the back of my mind, I hoped that maybe she would send a text or call, not to say anything more than happy birthday, but I know that is selfish of me to even hope that she would do that despite what I did. Today was actually pretty busy for me, because there was a lot of work to do, but there was definitely something (or more accurately someone) missing. Today isn't going down in my own personal history as "one to remember", I sincerely hope this is one I forget, the sooner the better.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Barbershop Talk
Wasn't at the barbershop today (even though I need to go) but we were at the house today having some powerful conversation about relationships. Let me first start off with noting all of my homies are 30 and up, so what made this conversation so powerful to me is these were grown a$$ men who've seen it all and done it all having this conversation.
It started off with the continuation of a conversation we were having yesterday, where one of the homies *Dave* was talking about how he handles his girl's attitude and my other homie *Nate* was saying that just because you do something doesn't make that way the right way to handle it. Today my other homie *Bill* came over and was talking about how him and his girl of 5 years operate. He said that she lets him go out at night and not come back until 6am because she understands that he's a night owl, and he'll usually spend all day with her and then leave all night. We all started to call him out on that bullsh*t until he corrected himself and said that that's how they operate so it's ok. So then Nate went into the same conversation of just because you do that and she accepts it doesn't make it right, and if that woman really cares about you, she doesn't really like that, but she allows it because she may not want to start an argument. Bill argued that he can't stay in the house all night because he gets bored, causing us all to blurt "cop out!" because we all know that is just an excuse Bill uses to go out and do his dirt if he has to. After Bill finally admitted that was wrong what he's doing, but she lets him do it so he's going to continue, we left his sad a$$ alone and moved to Dave. Background on Dave, he always comes over and bi#$hes about his girl and how she disrespects him and they argue a lot blah blah. Well we all used to comment about it, but we leave it alone now because we all now know that he's just venting and he really loves this girl or else he wouldn't choose to continue to deal with her and her "problems". Anyways, Dave goes in on his girl again and how she did this, that whatever, and went into talking about anything he may have done to make her that way. He said that in the past he had ping-ponged with her and his baby mama for a time and then he stopped after they both found out. He said that was a year ago, so he thinks it's unfair that she would hold that over him. Nate talked about how she may have a trust issue and this industry and how we move surely doesn't help, so you can't be mad that she may still struggle with it. Dave fought for a minute, but then he agreed and said the problem was communication. Nate had noted that the other things that she does that Dave may find disrespectful may be a symptom of the real problem which is loneliness, stress from her job, anything.
All in all, we talked about a million things, such as cheating, getting cheated on, settling down, respecting and understanding your woman, compromising to make it work, and how to appreciate the woman that you truly think is the one. This is yet another example of why I cherish this time in my life, I've never before heard black men (former street dudes at that) talk about how to love a woman and the highs and lows that come along with doing that. Father figures are so very very important in the life of a young man, and to be honest, all of my father figures were my sports coaches and all we ever talked about was sports. I'm realizing the hole that has been in my heart and I thank God for putting me in a situation where it can get filled. I see how young black men get caught in the vicious cycle of fulfilling the negative black male stereotype. It's the lack of having a black man say to them, "I've been through this so you don't have to, so sit your a$$ down and listen here." I have been listening, and will continue to do so.
"If the past cannot teach the present and the father cannot teach the son, then history need not have bothered to go on, and the world has wasted a great deal of time."
- Russell Hoban
...indeed.
It started off with the continuation of a conversation we were having yesterday, where one of the homies *Dave* was talking about how he handles his girl's attitude and my other homie *Nate* was saying that just because you do something doesn't make that way the right way to handle it. Today my other homie *Bill* came over and was talking about how him and his girl of 5 years operate. He said that she lets him go out at night and not come back until 6am because she understands that he's a night owl, and he'll usually spend all day with her and then leave all night. We all started to call him out on that bullsh*t until he corrected himself and said that that's how they operate so it's ok. So then Nate went into the same conversation of just because you do that and she accepts it doesn't make it right, and if that woman really cares about you, she doesn't really like that, but she allows it because she may not want to start an argument. Bill argued that he can't stay in the house all night because he gets bored, causing us all to blurt "cop out!" because we all know that is just an excuse Bill uses to go out and do his dirt if he has to. After Bill finally admitted that was wrong what he's doing, but she lets him do it so he's going to continue, we left his sad a$$ alone and moved to Dave. Background on Dave, he always comes over and bi#$hes about his girl and how she disrespects him and they argue a lot blah blah. Well we all used to comment about it, but we leave it alone now because we all now know that he's just venting and he really loves this girl or else he wouldn't choose to continue to deal with her and her "problems". Anyways, Dave goes in on his girl again and how she did this, that whatever, and went into talking about anything he may have done to make her that way. He said that in the past he had ping-ponged with her and his baby mama for a time and then he stopped after they both found out. He said that was a year ago, so he thinks it's unfair that she would hold that over him. Nate talked about how she may have a trust issue and this industry and how we move surely doesn't help, so you can't be mad that she may still struggle with it. Dave fought for a minute, but then he agreed and said the problem was communication. Nate had noted that the other things that she does that Dave may find disrespectful may be a symptom of the real problem which is loneliness, stress from her job, anything.
All in all, we talked about a million things, such as cheating, getting cheated on, settling down, respecting and understanding your woman, compromising to make it work, and how to appreciate the woman that you truly think is the one. This is yet another example of why I cherish this time in my life, I've never before heard black men (former street dudes at that) talk about how to love a woman and the highs and lows that come along with doing that. Father figures are so very very important in the life of a young man, and to be honest, all of my father figures were my sports coaches and all we ever talked about was sports. I'm realizing the hole that has been in my heart and I thank God for putting me in a situation where it can get filled. I see how young black men get caught in the vicious cycle of fulfilling the negative black male stereotype. It's the lack of having a black man say to them, "I've been through this so you don't have to, so sit your a$$ down and listen here." I have been listening, and will continue to do so.
"If the past cannot teach the present and the father cannot teach the son, then history need not have bothered to go on, and the world has wasted a great deal of time."
- Russell Hoban
...indeed.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Relationships
The past still clings to my memories. I am busier than ever these days and my mind still finds time to reminisce. The good times. The bad. My lies. My mistakes. I can only comfort myself with the fact that people can and will move on. I know she will find someone to make her happy. For a long time, even after my lies exploded in both of our faces, I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself that we would end up together in the end. While a part of me still feels that way, I must admit that the little voice that says that is getting quieter as time goes on. I find myself asking myself if she called me today, would I get back with her? My heart says yes, but my mind says no. I know I'm not ready, and I'm not sure if it could ever go back to the way it once was. In my perfect vision for my relationship with my wife, or any type of long-term relationship, I want to be able to inspire my significant other. I want to be the best man she has met (or at least on the short list). I have tried the "let's grow together" thing and it just didn't work. I have realized that, before I ever get into any other type of meaningful relationship, I want to be the man that I want to be first. I want to be my own hero. My mom always said "If you don't love yourself, who else can love you?" I did love myself once, but I've since realized that love was superficial. I can't love whom I don't know, and I didn't really know myself. I'm learning more about myself everyday. I'm becoming a lot more conscious of what I do and say, and it is really empowering. I read this passage to my ex below once before, considering it yet another opportunity to showcase my intelligence. I understood the message of the passage, but I realize I wasn't living it:
The Prophet on Marriage
by Khalil Gibran
Then Almitra spoke again and said...
"And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:
You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other's shadow.
(Sigh) Yet another example of the small but huge difference between study and application...More life lived....More lessons learned...
The Prophet on Marriage
by Khalil Gibran
Then Almitra spoke again and said...
"And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:
You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other's shadow.
(Sigh) Yet another example of the small but huge difference between study and application...More life lived....More lessons learned...
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Me vs. Women
My current track record with women is, less than stellar, to use an appropriate euphemism. It's not that I attract less than stellar women. Not to thump my chest and say my game is so crazy, but I can honestly say that every women I've dated has been pretty stable. The problem has typically been me. The fact that I'm such an enigma, even to myself at times, creates so many problems for me in relationships despite my best intentions. A little over two months ago, I ended an on and off again 7 year relationship. I say I because I was the one that caused it to be ended. I had a physical and emotional affair with another woman, even finding out that I had impregnated the "other woman" (The baby was quickly aborted. Don't ask me how I feel about it, I don't know). I think about it everyday, replaying when I got caught, how I got caught, how I handled being caught, the hurt I caused to both of the women involved, the shoulda, woulda, coulda's. At the end of the day, I am where I am because of my actions alone, so alone is how I am. The thing that really vexes me is the one I cheated on was the woman that I cared about the most in this world, outside of my mother (which makes my actions even more perplexing, I know). We had many ups and downs over the course of our relationship, but I had always thought that no matter what, in the end, we would end up with the white picket fence, couple kids, and a dog. For the very first time in my life, I am beginning to truly question how my life is going to end up. Whatever I've gone through or done wrong in my life, a part of me always said in the back of my mind, "Don't worry too much, it's going to be alright." Now I'm not so sure. I'm in an emotional space I've never been in before and to be honest, it's scary. Again, somebody pray for me.
I've decided to compose a "soundtrack" to how I've been feeling lately...
Break Up - Mario featuring Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett
By Any Means - Joe
Love Of My Life - Case
Missing You - Case
Last Chance - Ginuwine
Missin You - Trey Songz
WHOS LOVIN YOU - JACKSON 5 - JACKSON 5
There you have it...emotional rollercoaster....But you live and (hopefully) you learn, and I know I NEVER want to feel like this again...Clarence Darrow said, "Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself..."...Time to buy some track shoes...
I've decided to compose a "soundtrack" to how I've been feeling lately...
Break Up - Mario featuring Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett
By Any Means - Joe
Love Of My Life - Case
Missing You - Case
Last Chance - Ginuwine
Missin You - Trey Songz
WHOS LOVIN YOU - JACKSON 5 - JACKSON 5
There you have it...emotional rollercoaster....But you live and (hopefully) you learn, and I know I NEVER want to feel like this again...Clarence Darrow said, "Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself..."...Time to buy some track shoes...
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