FEELINGS

I've always been, as most who know me would describe me, very nonchalant about a lot of things. Things that would typically get most people very emotional one way or the other really never seemed to affect me that kind of way. It's not that I don't have feelings about things or people, but I feel like I've gone through a lot of my life without really putting myself in a position to be emotionally vulnerable to anyone. I've spent some time thinking about why I've been that way, and I can only point to my childhood. I know everyone seems to blame their problems on their youth, but you can seriously learn a lot about a person if you understand their childhood years. The impact of those years on someone's life is truly immeasurable. Anyways, like I said, I can only point to my childhood. When I was young we moved around a lot. My mom was always getting a different or new job here and there, trying to get better financial situations for us and building her career. I remember every time we moved I cried about losing friends and going to a new place. Then I remember eventually, I just kind of stopped. It kind of became the program.

Not that I became anti-social or anything. I was always able to make "friends" quickly, I was always a class clown and I played sports. But I feel like I knew a lot about everyone I hung out with, but no one knew a lot about me. I would always ask people questions about themselves, but I somehow got through a lot of interactions without the conversation really turning to me. I had become very adept at deflecting and dodging "personal" questions.

This aspect of my personality has allowed me to "coast" through life in a sense. When people, even family members die, I rarely show emotion. Even when my dad died, I didn't cry until I saw his body, and I haven't cried since. I have somehow managed to disconnect myself from my feelings about most things with an ease that is almost scary.

I'm really focusing on trying to rectify this in my life. I'm trying to put more focus on the PEOPLE in my life. Really trying to let everyone that I care about know how much I care about them. Trying to become more of an "open book" to the people that matter to me. I'm much more sensitive than I put on, but most people would NEVER know it. I am beginning to truly understand what it is to invest in people.

I know this is the most important year of my life, one that I know I'm either going to look back on 25 years from now with joy, or with sadness. I'm doing everything I can to make it the former.