Update

Noticed that I hadn't blogged since January so figured it was only right to fill you in...

1. Still working at the sales job, but have managed to become the top volume rep. I worked hard to get there, but now that I'm there, I can only thank God for rewarding my determination. Also recently negotiated a 4-day work week with my program director which means more time to do me!

2. I'm somewhat aggressively dating now. Got a few (more than I've ever had before) women that I'm currently "talking to". I'm learning more and more about what I like/dislike in a woman. At times, phone ringing and text message notifications can get overwhelming, but I'm getting better everyday at managing the "team".

3. Finally moving out to a new place at the beginning of next month (pics will follow). I'm both excited and nervous because this will be the 1st time in my life that I will live all by myself. I plan on sleeping nekkid for at least the 1st 3 months.

4. Got back in touch with the ex and we are trying this whole "friends" thing. She's since got a new man that she's been dating for about 6 months, but dude is overseas for a year right now so I kinda feel like she uses me to be her "boyfriend" but not sometimes. Honestly, I still have feelings for her and I see myself having to step back from her sometime in the future because I find myself neglecting my "team" because I'm chillin with her and she already got her somebody. Don't wanna find myself hella single when her dude comes back because I gave her all my time. To be continued on that one...

5. Got accepted into law school and was going to go, but my loan fell through. Was EXTREMELY frustrated for a lil bit, but everything happens for a reason so I know God has something better planned for me. Letting go and letting God....

I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of it all right now...what I can say is that in the first 7 months of this 2010, I have been extremely blessed and have I seen my life grow and improve in all the ways that I prayed for and more. I'm excited to see how the rest of this year will go...

Time Waits For No One...

Got invited to a wedding by one of the homies from college. That's the 3rd one that is getting/has been married. Starting to feel like maybe I should be looking for a wife. But then again, I've always felt like what's for me is for me...

It's funny because when I was in college, I was dating my ex through most of it, everyone said I would be the first to get married. Now here we are a few years later, and I'm starting to feel like the george clooney of the crew. No wifey, no girlfriend, no baby mama, NOTHIN. While I do enjoy the benefits of my very single status, a part of me thinks that finding a wife and getting married is part of growing up. Almost like I can't be a "grown ass man" fareal until I have a wife and children.

I don't get any pressure from my fam or anything like that...it's just me being my own worst critic again...My wife is out there. I may or may not have met her, but I do know that God has made her for me and I for her. Besides, I'm only goin through that marriage fiasco ONCE, so damn right I'll take my time...

Self Awareness

I purchased this book from the store yesterday because this book covers a topic that I know that I want to gain more knowledge of; emotional intelligence. It offers an "emotional intelligence appraisal" online and after taking it, I was told that the 2 areas that I really needed to concern myself with are self awareness and social awareness. I readily agreed that I needed to work on my self awareness (what twenty something doesn't?) but was kind of surprised at the conclusion about my social awareness. Either way, I have decided to work on my self awareness first and the book has given me strategies that I can use to develop my self awareness. I must say, in reading the chapter on self awareness, I am noticing myself already reexamine situations, some recently even, and note how I could have handled them better. Case in point, I'm one of those people that tend to feel some anger when someone disagrees with me. As much as I try to manage it internally, I know that the people I am disagreeing with sense my resentment towards them. I need to do a better job of recognizing that anger when it first builds in order to better manage that emotion. Also, today at work, I became frustrated at one of my coworkers and disrespected him in front of some other coworkers. That is never acceptable and I could tell that it hurt his feelings but at the time I didn't care. I need to be a man and apologize to him tomorrow and have some constructive conversation so it doesn't turn into a festering problem within the team. Plus, for the most part I'm a nice guy, just sometimes that a$$hole can come out.

I'll blog in the future about how my self development is going. Honestly, just taking the time out to examine my feelings and my reactions to them is a great improvement in itself. Already going in the right direction!

Caretaker

So today I was kinda frustrated with everybody at the crib today. While I was at work, my roommate called me and said that the cable was turned off. I told him I would take care of it when I got off. I get back, handle it ($300 worth of handlin), and then I feel this overwhelming feeling of frustration. I was frustrated with the situation I'm in. After my man takin me in, and I'm assuming taking care of the bills, I get a job only to find out that in fact he WASN'T takin care of the bills and now it feels like everyone looks to me to handle all of the bills now (of which all have past due balances). I felt frustrated at paying $500 in two weeks to catch up the cable bill. I'm frustrated that I know next week there's gonna be another bill for me to take care of. I'm frustrated that I have my own bills to take care of at the same time. I'm frustrated that I'm taking care of men almost twice my age. I'm frustrated that having money hasn't brought me closer to them but made me feel more distant.

I know that he and I had a conversation about me possibly moving out last week, but there is no way for me to be able to do that if I'm paying all the bills each month. I feel like my bank account has a leak in it. A leak that keeps coming back. If I get a week to save a check, the next week something "needs to be paid" so I lose that money as quick as I got it. I don't want to internalize my frustration and eventually take it out on people I consider to be my friends, so I'm blogging. But this is, at times, very frustrating. My mom always told me never let someone take care of you, because eventually, they will lose respect for you. I couldn't have said it better myself...

DA HOMIES

Shouts Out

The homies One Chance got a cameo...For some odd reason...I'm startin to like Young Cash...Call me crazy...

Independence

Been a minute...I've been workin...A LOT...feel like there is always something that needs/has to be done, including now, but I feel like just venting in some way right now...

For the past 8 months or so, I've been living with one of my homies. When I broke up with my ex, I was pretty much homeless so I he allowed me to move in with him. In the past it was easy to deal with it because I had no other options at the time. Now that I've been working for a couple of months, I make more than enough money to move out and get my own place. He and I had a discussion about it and I told him the reason I hadn't seriously considered moving was because I didn't want to be the type to use people. I did that before and I refuse to be that person anymore. I didn't want to get a job, then all of a sudden leave, not doing anything to show my appreciation (a la helping out with bills or paying a portion of rent, etc.). He told me that if it would be better for me to have my own space, then he would have no problem with me making that move. That was Monday. So for the last couple days I have been thinking about moving. While I'm okay with having a roommate, one thing I have learned in this time living with him is that I absolutely cherish my own space. I have learned that my whole attitude can darken when I feel like I don't have my own space to just sit and do nothing by myself for a time, to the point where everybody I'm around feels my "leave me the f#@k alone" vibe. I talked to a few coworkers and they told me about a place where they live that has relatively good prices with a lotta space so I'm goin to go check it out this weekend. I'm still wondering if I want to take on the responsibility of my own place right now, because one side of me is considering the possibility of going to law school in another state, but I don't know...Like I said...I just wanted to vent...

Showin' Luv

The homies One Chance just released a remix to Travis Porter's "All The Way Turnt Up"

Infrared/Nappy Boy/OC

New Year Updates

This New Year has started off pretty well...updates:

- I'm no longer working the PM shift (2pm-8pm) at work. I'm now working the AM shift (7am-2pm). Some ppl can't get up in the morning but I have no problem getting up when there's some money to be made! AM shift means more money for ya boy so I goin 1000 at 5am.

- Went to see some family back home but didn't get to see my little brothers. I was disappointed because besides my mother, they're really the only reason I bother going back. I stopped by their house, but they weren't home. Plus they don't have a house/cell phone to contact them, so I guess I have to get back to writing letters so we can communicate....hmpf...might have to invest in some kinda prepaid phone for them or sumthin..

- Got into contact with my ex over the new years because now that I'm making some very decent money, I'm in a position where I can help her in the way that she helped me when I was without. For those that are wondering, this is no hidden agenda attempt to rekindle the flame or make her dependent upon me. This is only an attempt to repay what was given to me with no strings. It is now my turn to do the same. And honestly, I am grateful for the opportunity...

- I recently got a gym membership (too d@mn cold to be workin out in the garage at the house) and had a free session with a personal trainer today. The session went great and I think I might have to make that investment in myself and enroll in their steep a$$ personal training program. I have the drive, and this guy (the personal trainer) has the knowledge to help me reach my fitness goals. SIGN ME UP!!!

- I've been placing my law school applications lower on my priority list for reasons I cannot in my right mind justify. For some reason, I have a tremendous fear of rejection from any of the law schools I apply to. I can't really explain it, but for some reason, negative thoughts permeate my mind whenever I think about the law school application process. It is a problem that I'm going to have to be willing to face head on sooner rather than later. My future happiness depends on it.

- I really REALLY need to invest in a couple tins of Carmex. For the past week, I've been at work lookin like LL Cool J lickin my d@mn lips every ten seconds, even while I'm talkin to customers. This old white lady must have thought I was comin onto her, because she said, "I know why they hired you...cuz you're a CUTIE!" [awkward silence] Uh, thanks Methuselah....


That is all! (I think....)

WTF

Ok here's the background...I had a flight to go home on New Year's Eve around 10pm. I get to the airport early, have a couple drinks at the bar (cuz I don't really like flyin) and when I walk to my gate, my flight is CANCELLED. Me being the cool, calm, and collected type, I roll wit the punches and just ask what the airline is gonna do for ya boy cuz they f#@ked up. They give me a room at a nice a$$ hotel, money for breakfast in the morning, and put me on the next flight out in the morning. BET. So I start scrollin through the phone tryin to figure out what's gonna be the move for the nite. I decided to call this chick/jumpoff that I've been messin wit a couple times when I had nothing else to do. Tell her I'm goin to my man's crib to celebrate New Year's for a hot second and when I'm dun I'll hit her and she can meet me at the hotel. She says coo. BET. Go to the homie's spot, see what's shakin for a sec, get liq'd up, then make my way back to the hotel. I call chick and she meets me at the spot. We get to the room and proceed to doin the grown. Only thing is, I don't buss. This is the 2nd time ya boy has failed to reach a climax wit chick/jumpoff. Ain't dat some bullsh*t?! Bottom line, this chick couldn't take care of a d*ck if the muf#@ka came wit an instruction manual. I don't have the patience, nor do I like her enough to try to educate her young a$$. I'll leave that to the next nig. She said she had a bf for a long time prior to kickin it wit me, but I'm left wonderin wtf they were doin for ____ months/years. Dry humpin? I thought about thinkin of some other chick and hoppin back in so I can finish, but it wasn't even worth the effort. Needless to say, chick got canceled. If she ever bothers to ask why, I will be compelled to answer truthfully. Not for my sake, but for the next man...I am my brother's keeper :)

Horoscope for 2010

Found this online today...I don't really do this horoscope stuff...but this is deep...


Year 2010 Overview

Whew! Feel that enormous burden sliding off of your shoulders, like you've been carrying around an overstuffed backpack for the last couple of years? That would be Saturn, planet of structures and limitation, moving out of your sign. Congratulations, first of all, on having simply made it through more or less in one piece. You passed through the fire and made it out the other side.

Now, what to do with that spiritual Medal of Honor you've earned? Well, for one thing, establish who it is you really are with both yourself and those around you. Your ability to quietly endure both the big and little outrages of life have served you well in the last couple of years, and many of those around you may have come to assume that either it wasn't as rough on you as it was, or that you are somehow made of steel. In fact, you may have come to the same conclusion yourself. Virgo has a reputation for being able to take care of others with the best of them -- but can you turn that same care and attention on yourself? That's the big question you'll be facing in 2010.

The good news (beyond simply less bad news) is that there will be all kinds of opportunities opening up for you in new directions as far as fun, recreation and romance. So take advantage of those whenever you can. You've earned it!




....crazy right?

WHO are u?

One of my homies is...to say it frankly, a manipulative, conniving jerkoff. The only thing is, everyone, myself included thinks he's a really good guy. Deep down. Somewhere. It's like he's two different people. He's capable of doing some of the nicest sh*t ever, and would truly kill a man for one of us, but he's also capable of doin some of the most disrespectful sh*t to us, and other people he cares about. Therein lies the conundrum. We had a somewhat "intervention" with him the other day where everyone got the opportunity to air out their grievances, and it occurred to me just after the conversation, that it wasn't the first time we had this kind of conversation with him, and it's not seeming like he's really doing anything to change. Do I think he's a good guy? Yes. But when I think about what he does, not only to us, but other people that he cares about, it makes you wonder which person is the real him?

This is opening my eyes, because I was (and honestly sometimes still am) like that. When I took a step back and examined my actions, it seemed like I was nicer to those that I didn't know than those that I did. I've heard that family are the ones that can hurt you the most, I'm assuming because they know the most about you and you allow yourself to become emotionally vulnerable around them. I know there were some cases where I definitely took advantage of that, and I'm not proud of it. It wasn't until I was put in a situation that I was forced to deal with the consequences of my actions toward those I "cared" about, that I truly made an effort to change.

I hope that he doesn't place himself in a situation where he has to learn the lesson the hard way like I did, but he is a bit older than me and they say it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I love him to death and look at him almost like a big brother to me, but I can feel myself beginning to feed him with a long-handed spoon and I don't like the guard I find myself putting up when he comes around or we talk. I almost want to sit him down and ask once and for all...homie...WHO ARE U?!

Showin' Luv

Check my lil homie Milla doin his thing again...GOOD LOOK!

New Music

This song isn't really new, but I had been waitin on this to get posted on youtube so I could share it...this song is just sexy as hell...nuthin like a pretty lady that can sing...

Christmas

Yesterday I did absolutely NOTHING. No christmas dinner with family. No visit to the homie's house. NOTHING. There were things I could have done, but I didn't really feel like it. I kinda felt like, since I had been working everyday, I felt like having a day when I could do absolutely nothing and it seems that christmas was my day to do that. It was kinda pathetic now that I think about it. On Christmas eve, I went to the strip club on a solo mission. It wasn't because I wanted to see some scattered a$$ or make it rain, but just because it was the only place near the crib that was open. Really I just played pool and had a couple drinks, and funny enough, my obvious "I could care less that your a$$ is hangin out right next to me, tell the waitress to bring me my drank" attitude made the strippers pay even more attention to me, even got a couple free dances. Got up the next day, took my pillow and covers to the living room couch, and sat my lazy a$$ there all day. Watched my Lakers get demolished by the Cavs, which got my phone ringin with negroes talkin sh*t. Watched "He's Just Not That Into You", which was a good movie by the way, and had some moscato and fatty food. After spending most of the day watching tv and texting, I decided to get my a$$ up out of the house so I went to go see "Avatar". In short, I would never see that movie again. Visually stunning, but the d@mn movie was almost 3 hours and it's EXTREMELY hard for a movie to keep my attention for that long (last one to do that was "Dark Knight"). All in all, Christmas was pretty laid back. Honestly, only thing that could've made it better was a pretty girl with a phat booty and good conversation (harder combo to match than one would think) to sit around and be lazy with me...But hey, can't have everything! Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and hope you have a Happy New Year!

Keep it 1000

A couple of the homies from work were havin a conversation about dating etiquette and the homie said if a chick eats more than him at any time during initial courtship, she's automatically off the list. Most of us immediately called him an uppity negro, who can't handle a woman who keeps it 1000, but then I took a second to think about it....

I took this one chick to the movies and when we passed by the concession stand, in true gentlemanly fashion, I asked her if she would like anything. She proceeded to make a beeline for the register ordering a large popcorn and a drink. THEN she asked if I wanted anything and I just ordered some milk duds (I think). Anyways, while we were in the movie, I remembered watchin her out of the side of my eye eating that big a$$ popcorn and washin it down wit that big a$$ drink. Granted, I already have a not so mild irritation about me hearing the sound of people chew and drink (for some reason it's like nails on a chalkboard for me), but it was made worse when I looked at my little box of candy next to her bucket of d@mn popcorn. Then, this vacuum asked me for some of my candy. Needless to say, her a$$ was crossed off as soon as I got in the car to go home.

Now, I would assume that this double standard would remedy itself the more a man falls in love with a woman, but even then, I don't think I could handle my chick eating more than me consistently, unless of course she was some bodybuilding chick, in which case we wouldn't even be dating in the first place...

Random I know...but build a bridge ni@@a...u already read it :)

Lightweight

I don't really drink...but I had a few rounds tonight...Lost $100 on the Saints and Cowboy's game...then spent more money than I wanted at the club tonight...I don't even really like the club....I juz wanted the homies to have a good time....I'm goin to bed...I got work tomorrow....

Life Is Precious

I didn't talk about this a couple days ago, but the tragic death of Bengals WR Chris Henry moved me to blog...

Earlier this week, I met an elderly white lady at work. I made the sale, and during the course of our small talk, she revealed to me that she had a terminal illness. She had tumors in BOTH lungs and had cancer in her liver. My first response was to say I'm sorry to hear that, but she quickly told me not to feel sorry because everything happens for a reason. I told her that I feel the same way, but I wouldn't know how to react if the doctor told me something as disheartening as that. She said she was hurt at first, but her faith is what got her through the initial shock. She even said she had went on to get married (this lady couldn't have been less than 55 btw) recently to a man she met online. She then went on to tell me how she was on her way to visit family in Florida for the holidays and how excited she was. I never had met anyone who really knew that they were going to die soon, so I asked her if knowing that her life wouldn't be much longer made everyday more special and she said yes. She said that everyday is a blessing and healthy young people like me should feel the same way. We had a few more words before she got on the plane...

What stuck with me was first and foremost her positivity. She literally was looking death in the face and didn't allow it to defeat her. I admired her courage. I wondered how I could/would operate in the same situation and I have no idea. That is one of those scenarios that you couldn't really imagine it until you're in it.

The sudden death of Chris Henry struck a chord with me because we were both the same age. He, like I, had made some mistakes in his life but was doing the best he could to become a better man for it. The only difference is that his journey has been cut short before he could actualize the person that he knew he could be.

I thank God that he has given me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, and I hope that he sees fit to grant me the opportunity to be that person that I see in my mind's eye. As I mature, I am learning to appreciate the journey as much as the destination. I thank God for that as well...




"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good."
- Author Unknown

We Got Next!

Shout out to the homie Kollosus on Block Ent! Got a record out wit Gucci Mane called Settin Standards. Also check out my lil homie Milla who got a cameo! 2010 is gon be some PROBLEMS!

Washington Post Lady

- My sister sent me the article by that DC chick about being a lonely young successful black woman. I'm done having that discussion altogether. The only ones seemingly even caring about the topic in general are single women and single negroes. My solution is how about you fools arguing about it try dating each other and see if that works out? Or maybe you guys are single because you spend so much time arguing about sh*t and not making it happen.

Me personally, I've never had a problem getting a girlfriend. When I wanted one, I got one. Simple as that. Even now, if I wanted to have a girlfriend, I know a few women who have definitely put their bid in. Not saying this to brag, but I've just never understood, how someone can't find a significant other. Even for most of the young successful black women I know, it seems to me that they don't have a man because they choose not to have one. It seems, again in my opinion, that if a woman is attractive, or even somewhat attractive, you can go find a man if you really want one.

Now I'm not saying that soulmates fall off of trees, because I know they don't. But I do believe that if you are a young, successful, good looking black woman and you can't find a boo to cuddle with through the winter, the problem might just be you sweetheart.

Simple as that, for yo simple a$$...