I was recently asked by a female, "Could a woman go from a B-U-D-D-Y to your wifey?" Many men have come to this crossroads. Brad Pitt. Donald Trump. Nelly. Bill Clinton. Eric Benet. Hell, even some women have had to deal. Halle Berry. Oprah. Some can easily be overpowered by a jumpoff's sexual prowess (Darius McCrary), and some can never fully recognize their jumpoff as a person due to their willingness to be a jumpoff with no questions asked (Oprah).
The answer is simple: it depends.
If one has come to the point where he/she wonders whether to upgrade to wifey/man status, one must first consider a few things. First and foremost one has to consider whether or not the person is a ho/manho. Under no circumstances is it EVER okay to wife up a ho. None whatsoever. I don't care what anybody tells you, you are certified lame if you're now paying for the cow that everybody else milked for free. You, my friend, have no game. Or self-confidence. Or the right to call your woman yours because everyone else had/has her to. Go to jail, you do not collect $200. Now don't misconstrue me to mean that your jumpoff needs to be monogamous before you consider the upgrade, for that is completely unrealistic and in direct contradiction to the whole point of being/having a jumpoff. I only say that to stress that it is unacceptable if all of your homies can share "It was crazy when she did this..." stories about your proposed wifey. Second, if the jumpoff passes the first test, then one must consider the personality of the jumpoff. In your understandably short conversation time with your jumpoff, does she seem to be compatible with you? Now for some this may be easy, but for some, this might be like being asked to predict tomorrow's lotto numbers. For the difficult ones, all I can say is before you make the leap, make some kind of conversation. About ANYTHING. Just to see where her head is at, because you want to do all you can to avoid the "Everything was going great, but then..." story.
To the homies, I just say make sure you're jumpoff isn't TOO good at sex. She can be good, but if a chick is puttin it down like a pornstar every night, you might wanna think about how many "shoots" she had to attend. Ya dig?
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Atlanta Bumper Cars
I was driving home Sunday night and I saw an accident. It was completely avoidable and you know how I know this? It was like I saw the whole thing in slow motion. You know one of those times where you're looking at say a horror movie and you're saying to yourself, "He's not gonna do that....oh my god, yes he is...aww this is gonna be bad...here it comes...HA!....DUMBa$$."
Now what kills me, is this is like the fifty-leventh time I've seen an accident actually happen here in Atlanta. I've addressed this before to some Atlanta residents, and they give me the lame excuse that since so many people are from out of town, Atlanta has managed to become the trash can for every garbage driver in America. In retort, I say I have yet to see an out of state license on a car that's been in an accident.
Now I don't know how easy it is to get a Georgia license (apparently all you have to have is a WANT to drive), as I am too a transplant, but there seems to be a serious lack of a skills standard. Let's set some rules here:
1. Any old person that requires those big ol' Kool Moe Dee glasses should NOT be able to drive. (This doesn't have to be explained)
2. Any person that drives an old skool chevy with a dent in it should have their license stripped on the spot. (Sorry to 75% of Atlanta black males under the age of 24, but homie, those cars are metal, meaning you would demolish every other car made after 1975, as they are plastic, and you drive like you know that fact)
3. All women between 16-24 should have to have those driver education brake pedals installed in the passenger side of their vehicles. (The numbers don't lie. One study reported that women in this age group are twice as likely to use their cell phone while driving as men. Studies show that using your cell phone while driving significantly decreases your driving ability. One and one equals...)
As this list could become quite expansive, I will choose to end it here. But if you still don't believe me about the Atlanta traffic, google "Atlanta worst drivers" and see how many hits you get....game.set.match.
Now what kills me, is this is like the fifty-leventh time I've seen an accident actually happen here in Atlanta. I've addressed this before to some Atlanta residents, and they give me the lame excuse that since so many people are from out of town, Atlanta has managed to become the trash can for every garbage driver in America. In retort, I say I have yet to see an out of state license on a car that's been in an accident.
Now I don't know how easy it is to get a Georgia license (apparently all you have to have is a WANT to drive), as I am too a transplant, but there seems to be a serious lack of a skills standard. Let's set some rules here:
1. Any old person that requires those big ol' Kool Moe Dee glasses should NOT be able to drive. (This doesn't have to be explained)
2. Any person that drives an old skool chevy with a dent in it should have their license stripped on the spot. (Sorry to 75% of Atlanta black males under the age of 24, but homie, those cars are metal, meaning you would demolish every other car made after 1975, as they are plastic, and you drive like you know that fact)
3. All women between 16-24 should have to have those driver education brake pedals installed in the passenger side of their vehicles. (The numbers don't lie. One study reported that women in this age group are twice as likely to use their cell phone while driving as men. Studies show that using your cell phone while driving significantly decreases your driving ability. One and one equals...)
As this list could become quite expansive, I will choose to end it here. But if you still don't believe me about the Atlanta traffic, google "Atlanta worst drivers" and see how many hits you get....game.set.match.
The Cost of Good Health
Now I have just come back from the grocery store and I'm compelled to write about something that has been irritating me for a while. I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels the way I do.
I like to think of myself as someone who generally watches what they eat. I wouldn't call myself a dieter, just someone that generally prescribes to healthy eating patterns. As I walked through the store to reload on my basic diet, turkey burgers, tuna, eggs, and ramen noodles (yea I said it), I was once again struck by how much these items actually COST.
As I walked down the aisles to pick up my items, I noticed that my high protein bars were going at $6 for a box of 4 bars, while as I continued shopping, one couldn't help but notice the proliferation of "2 for $3" specials on cookies. Or when I looked for my honey bunches of oats cereal, which is $5 a box for the family size, while the frosted flakes were going for 2 for $6 in the family size. It occurred to me, why does, in one of the fattest countries in the world, does it cost so much to eat healthy? With the yearly parade of health initiatives by celebrities and politicians, why hasn't anyone come up with the genius idea of discounting healthy products?
Studies show that much of people eating selections, especially for families, are based on monetary reasons. Quite simply, it is cheaper to buy a 24 pack of doritos variety bags than to buy banana chips for your children to take to school. I think back to my own childhood, and ponder that maybe the reason we had so many snacks around wasn't just because we liked them, but we couldn't afford to eat anything different.
This also led me to think about the food options in lower class neighborhoods. Studies show that poorer and nonwhite neighborhoods also have fewer fruit and vegetable markets, bakeries, specialty stores, and natural food stores. Also, poor children have higher rates of obesity (around 20 percent of all poor children) than do nonpoor children (around 15 percent). To make these numbers more real, one study found that, while 58 percent of food stores on New York City 's Upper East Side stocked the low-fat, high-fiber foods health professionals recommend as part of a diet to control diabetes, only 18 percent of stores in East Harlem stocked these foods. Also, in the Detroit metropolitan area, for example, the poorest African American neighborhoods are an average of 1.1 miles further from the nearest supermarket than are impoverished white neighborhoods.
I don't know about you, but to me this is a PROBLEM. I'm just ranting...I'm done now.
I like to think of myself as someone who generally watches what they eat. I wouldn't call myself a dieter, just someone that generally prescribes to healthy eating patterns. As I walked through the store to reload on my basic diet, turkey burgers, tuna, eggs, and ramen noodles (yea I said it), I was once again struck by how much these items actually COST.
As I walked down the aisles to pick up my items, I noticed that my high protein bars were going at $6 for a box of 4 bars, while as I continued shopping, one couldn't help but notice the proliferation of "2 for $3" specials on cookies. Or when I looked for my honey bunches of oats cereal, which is $5 a box for the family size, while the frosted flakes were going for 2 for $6 in the family size. It occurred to me, why does, in one of the fattest countries in the world, does it cost so much to eat healthy? With the yearly parade of health initiatives by celebrities and politicians, why hasn't anyone come up with the genius idea of discounting healthy products?
Studies show that much of people eating selections, especially for families, are based on monetary reasons. Quite simply, it is cheaper to buy a 24 pack of doritos variety bags than to buy banana chips for your children to take to school. I think back to my own childhood, and ponder that maybe the reason we had so many snacks around wasn't just because we liked them, but we couldn't afford to eat anything different.
This also led me to think about the food options in lower class neighborhoods. Studies show that poorer and nonwhite neighborhoods also have fewer fruit and vegetable markets, bakeries, specialty stores, and natural food stores. Also, poor children have higher rates of obesity (around 20 percent of all poor children) than do nonpoor children (around 15 percent). To make these numbers more real, one study found that, while 58 percent of food stores on New York City 's Upper East Side stocked the low-fat, high-fiber foods health professionals recommend as part of a diet to control diabetes, only 18 percent of stores in East Harlem stocked these foods. Also, in the Detroit metropolitan area, for example, the poorest African American neighborhoods are an average of 1.1 miles further from the nearest supermarket than are impoverished white neighborhoods.
I don't know about you, but to me this is a PROBLEM. I'm just ranting...I'm done now.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
What to Wear What to Wear
So I call myself going to the mall to buy a new shirt the other day. Now what I really wanted was a Lacoste polo, preferably Carolina blue. I'm heading back into town from Lithonia so I tell myself I'll stop at South Dekalb Mall and pick up one. I head for the Macy's first. I look around the entire men's department. NO POLOS. Sean John? Check. Rocafella? Check. Enyce? Check. Now those brands I expected, but Izod? Check. After being dumbfounded at Macy's, my inner optimist says maybe they'll have it at another store. I proceed to enter into every single men's clothing store in the entire South Dekalb Mall. NO POLOS. After about the 3rd store, I decide to shift my focus to tshirts. As you can guess South Dekalb Mall is a full service mall for ATL trap ni#@as. From Miskeen to spray paint to personalized R.I.P shirts, South Dekalb can have any certified hood star dressed in the finest dope boy gear in any assortment of colors.
Now as I'm noticing that my mission is failing miserably, I ask myself, "Am I that out of style?" I'd like to think I have some sense of style. But I just couldn't figure out why anyone would want to wear a tshirt with sleeves that only go halfway down your bicep. I also couldn't understand what is the obsession with skulls and snakes. It seems like that's the logo for 20 different clothing lines. And call me crazy, but I like to match my shoes with my attire. Now because I like to do that, I will never be able to purchase half the shirts at the mall because they have 25 different colors on one shirt. I remember a time when men only saw in primary colors, but nowadays it seems "hood" to rock fuschia and neon yellow. And it's not like anyone makes fuschia and neon yellow shoes so how do you coordinate? Custom shoes for every shirt? Do what you do, but that seems kinda corny to me.
Anyways, I say all that to say, why isn't there a place where I can purchase clothes for every facet of me? Sometimes ya boy wants to wear Lacoste. Sometimes I want to wear a white tee. Sometimes I want to wear some Famous Stars and Straps. Why do I have to go to different places to dress the "Jeezy" and "Poitier" in me?
Isn't that part of the beauty of our people to take any attire and make it our own?
Now as I'm noticing that my mission is failing miserably, I ask myself, "Am I that out of style?" I'd like to think I have some sense of style. But I just couldn't figure out why anyone would want to wear a tshirt with sleeves that only go halfway down your bicep. I also couldn't understand what is the obsession with skulls and snakes. It seems like that's the logo for 20 different clothing lines. And call me crazy, but I like to match my shoes with my attire. Now because I like to do that, I will never be able to purchase half the shirts at the mall because they have 25 different colors on one shirt. I remember a time when men only saw in primary colors, but nowadays it seems "hood" to rock fuschia and neon yellow. And it's not like anyone makes fuschia and neon yellow shoes so how do you coordinate? Custom shoes for every shirt? Do what you do, but that seems kinda corny to me.
Anyways, I say all that to say, why isn't there a place where I can purchase clothes for every facet of me? Sometimes ya boy wants to wear Lacoste. Sometimes I want to wear a white tee. Sometimes I want to wear some Famous Stars and Straps. Why do I have to go to different places to dress the "Jeezy" and "Poitier" in me?
Isn't that part of the beauty of our people to take any attire and make it our own?
Sign of the Apocalypse
I saw a 12 year old rapper named Lil' D perform a song called "Skeet 'Em Down" at the Sweet Auburn Festival...
Sunday, September 23, 2007
HATERS
Let's just talk about haters for a second. Haters are everywhere. They may be your friends. They may be your family. They come in many different sizes, shapes, and genders.
With that being said, let me get into what I, so creatively I might add, call "hater logic". Haters justify their existence by saying things like, "Hey, I'm just being honest" or "I'm saying this as a friend". They use this "hater logic" because to them, and to the untrained mind, it makes sense. Certainly there are some honest people who are wrongfully called haters. But to truly identify someone as a hater, one must take into account the amount of so called "honest opinions" a hater may offer. If you spend an evening with a hater, take a note of how many comments are being made with negative connotations or insinuations within them. A hater will give a preponderance of "honest opinions" that always seem to be demeaning or belittling to someone around them. It's a fine line between cracking a joke and disseminating your hate, so hater detectors beware.
The advanced hater will also use subtle phrases to "soften" the hate such as "This is just my opinion" and "No disrespect, but". These phrases are meant to help the hater bypass your personal "anti-hater comment" security checkpoint. But the professional hater detector understands that putting a glove on my hand doesn't mean I can't still knock yo mutha f#@kin a$$ out ya dig?
Note to those amateurs who want to use this information to graduate to professional levels of hater detection. Once a hater is discovered, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT tell a hater that he/she is a hater. Much like trying to tell a smartass they don't know everything or attempting to convince a sididdy chick she really ain't that fine, this line of conversation only leads to mindnumbing frustration, more hateration spewed, and possibly, if you don't recognize the game, a plethora of "strong talk"(for those without the ability to deduce the meaning of self explanatory ebonics, aggressive and loud speaking).
When a hater is recognized, pull out your pen and pad, add them to the list, silently congratulate yourself on gaining yet another (or your first) hater, and keep it pushin. Though it may be difficult, you must "Dr. King" your haters and treat them with love and respect. That is unless they put they hands on ya.
With that being said, let me get into what I, so creatively I might add, call "hater logic". Haters justify their existence by saying things like, "Hey, I'm just being honest" or "I'm saying this as a friend". They use this "hater logic" because to them, and to the untrained mind, it makes sense. Certainly there are some honest people who are wrongfully called haters. But to truly identify someone as a hater, one must take into account the amount of so called "honest opinions" a hater may offer. If you spend an evening with a hater, take a note of how many comments are being made with negative connotations or insinuations within them. A hater will give a preponderance of "honest opinions" that always seem to be demeaning or belittling to someone around them. It's a fine line between cracking a joke and disseminating your hate, so hater detectors beware.
The advanced hater will also use subtle phrases to "soften" the hate such as "This is just my opinion" and "No disrespect, but". These phrases are meant to help the hater bypass your personal "anti-hater comment" security checkpoint. But the professional hater detector understands that putting a glove on my hand doesn't mean I can't still knock yo mutha f#@kin a$$ out ya dig?
Note to those amateurs who want to use this information to graduate to professional levels of hater detection. Once a hater is discovered, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT tell a hater that he/she is a hater. Much like trying to tell a smartass they don't know everything or attempting to convince a sididdy chick she really ain't that fine, this line of conversation only leads to mindnumbing frustration, more hateration spewed, and possibly, if you don't recognize the game, a plethora of "strong talk"(for those without the ability to deduce the meaning of self explanatory ebonics, aggressive and loud speaking).
When a hater is recognized, pull out your pen and pad, add them to the list, silently congratulate yourself on gaining yet another (or your first) hater, and keep it pushin. Though it may be difficult, you must "Dr. King" your haters and treat them with love and respect. That is unless they put they hands on ya.
Random
This one is for the fellas...
Me personally, I prefer to to use the bathroom at my own house. Not just when I want to sit on my porcelain throne, but also when I need to "no. 1". That being said....
Have you ever been out, at the club, or in a movie or sumthin, and...during a lull in the movie or in mental stimulation...you think to yourself, "Hey I think I might need to go to the bathroom." But then right after that thought occurs, mental stimulation comes right back and you forget about it. Well then when you are driving home, you're thinking, "DAMN, I gotta use the restroom." It's really not that serious until...as SOON as you bust in the door, your lil man goes haywire. It turns into a damn porcelain detector and it needs release. The closer you get to the toilet, the more pressure builds up....You end up doin a lil James Brown dance while you're messin with your zipper
On many occasions after a long night out, I can recall damn near pissing myself due to ignoring mother nature's signals...
Maybe it's only me...I know...random...
Me personally, I prefer to to use the bathroom at my own house. Not just when I want to sit on my porcelain throne, but also when I need to "no. 1". That being said....
Have you ever been out, at the club, or in a movie or sumthin, and...during a lull in the movie or in mental stimulation...you think to yourself, "Hey I think I might need to go to the bathroom." But then right after that thought occurs, mental stimulation comes right back and you forget about it. Well then when you are driving home, you're thinking, "DAMN, I gotta use the restroom." It's really not that serious until...as SOON as you bust in the door, your lil man goes haywire. It turns into a damn porcelain detector and it needs release. The closer you get to the toilet, the more pressure builds up....You end up doin a lil James Brown dance while you're messin with your zipper
On many occasions after a long night out, I can recall damn near pissing myself due to ignoring mother nature's signals...
Maybe it's only me...I know...random...
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