Milestones

2 things happened to me yesterday that I might consider milestones...or at least "highway markers" on the highway of self-improvement.

First thing, I was workin out yesterday. It was hot and sunny outside so I had my shirt off and was doing some cardio stuff (runnin up the hill in the front yard, jump rope, etc.) and one of the homies pulled up to the house. I stopped to say whassup and he said, "What you workin on today? Abs?" Now asking what I'm working on, for those who don't regularly take care of themselves physically, is referring to which muscle group I'm emphasizing that day. Now, what made me smile after he walked into the crib was, he not only asked me what muscle group I was working on, but he made the point of asking whether I was working on my abs. Again, for those who don't regularly hit the gym, when people try to guess it is because typically when you emphasize a muscle group it will look larger than normal or more defined than normal so you can usually guess correctly which muscle group any given person is working on by just looking at their body structure. Now he guessed abs, implying that my abs were looking right, and what made my day was that I wasn't doin abs AT ALL yesterday! Nothing worth mentioning to some, but definitely a sign that I'm moving in the right direction physically.

Now the other "milestone" is a little more "deep" shall we say. Yesterday evening, I was at the house by myself, the way I spend most weekends nowadays, and I was washing dishes and listening to music. Jazmine Sullivan's "After the Hurricane" came on and about halfway through the song, I cried. Seriously. Why exactly it happened, I can't fully explain, but I remember thinking about the lyrics to the song, about a man that destroys the people around him like a "hurricane", and how that song related to me and what I had done in past relationships, then about how my pops used to do the same thing to women, then how he wasn't around for me to talk about how I felt about it with, then, frankly, I lost it. I cried for a good minute. I mean "cryin so hard u get that ugly look on yo face" crying. I pulled it back together before the song was over, but I thought about how long it had been since I cried. The last time I had cried was at my pop's funeral, and that was in 2002. This is not me trying to be hard (hell if I was, I wouldn't have told you that I cried in the first place) but anyone who knows me knows that my feelings and I, we don't have the most "communicative" relationship. My mind has trained itself to quickly lock them away somewhere within the depths of my soul (an ability which has contributed greatly to my ability in the past to be extremely cold to those I care about). Either way, what I knew is that after that minute or so of "losing it", I felt better. Like some weight hadn't been lifted, but lightened on my shoulders. Now this doesn't mean that I'm liable to start cryin "just like a b$#ch" (to quote Dave Chappelle) at any given moment, but, as I blogged about in earlier posts, I have been making more of an effort to let people know how I feel about them and it starts with me letting myself know how I feel. My mind taking a moment to allow myself to feel the hurt that I harbor with me, and then communicating with my body to react to "let it go" is a powerful thing, at least for someone like me. Someone people refer to as "nonchalant". Everyone has feelings. EVERYONE. I think Nietzsche said something powerful when he said, "He who cannot give anything away cannot feel anything either." The more I give of myself, the more in touch I am becoming with my own feelings, moods, etc. Giving is much more than just a physical action. It is an almost spiritual rite. When I give of myself to someone, honestly, and openly, I am giving a piece of my soul, my God-given light, to them. Enough of my commentary, I'll end with this quote:

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

-Maya Angelou

Just A Thought

"If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I think a lot of people, including myself, need to use this quote as their daily mantra. A lot of us struggle with self-acceptance. Me personally, I have always had this image of who I want to be. I've always been so fixed on that image and my pursuit of it, I've never appreciated who I am, and the small successes I achieve, along the journey. I believe that God has a plan for me and everybody else, but sometimes I do question if my steps are indeed ordered. What I am learning to do is appreciate my deficiencies as much as my attributes. I know that I am honestly working to overcome my faults, some more easily than others, but I relish the journey as much as the destination. If I truly, truly believe in God's plan for me, then I must praise Him for not only the direction He has pointed me in, but the struggles that he has me endure. Thank you God for what you have done for me yesterday, what you are doing for me today, and what you are going to do for me tomorrow.

Funny Thought

I find it sort of funny when loud a$$ people say to me, "You don't talk much huh..."










...shut the f#@k up and I might say sumthin!

Health Update

Scale says 189.0!

Did 21 pullups today!

Losing weight but getting stronger...hooray for me!

Guilty Pleasures

I like Tyler Perry movies. There. I said it.

Mother Nature

I spent yesterday afternoon outside. It wasn't the first time I had spent the day outside, but usually I'll be outside in the garage or sitting on my car people watching. What was different about yesterday afternoon is I was babysitting my man's 3 year old while he was running through the neighborhood I sat down with her in the grass in the front yard. Watching her pull grass up, throw it in the air and scream with joy made me think, "This is really living." I haven't done little things like take a walk or go to a park in the longest time. The best things in life are free...

Highlights and Lowlights

Highlights:

- Chased down a few checks for the company today
- Spent a couple of hours listening to tales from the dope game
- Got a sneak peak at a record I'm not supposed to have
- My man's 3 year old FINALLY smiled and said hello when she saw me
- Woke up

Lowlights:

- iTunes started askin me to reformat my iPod (fellow iPeople understand)
- Car started trippin so gotta get it looked at tomorrow
- Some old lady got beat up and robbed in the neighborhood (didn't happen to me but that sucks anyway)
- Spent almost 2 hours of my life watching the movie "Fighting" with Channing Tatum and Terrence Howard (if you've seen "Lionheart" with Jean Claude Van Damme...you've seen "Fighting" already)
- Being up at 4am on a Saturday morning when I didn't go out the night before


That's all...all in all...just another day in the life...

The Giving Tree

This week has been one of the most productive weeks in the company in a while. We had been stagnant for a couple months, almost going through the motions. I know the one big difference is that I've decided to give my best everyday. To be honest, I haven't really given my best to people in my life. People have come and gone, few I still speak to, most I don't, but the few that I still speak to are the ones that I gave myself to (pause). I allowed those people in and shared my life with them, along with my talents, my thoughts and it is through that giving that I had an impact upon them and they gave themselves back to me (pause again). I'm really starting to open up more to people, becoming more of an open book (not completely of course), causing more people to want to open up to me. I'm watching our company move forward and watching the energy in the office change like night and day in just a week. I think a lot of it has to do with me (hell I'm running the office, so of course it does). I'm having longer conversations with people, I'm noticing people gravitate towards me, I'm taking notice of the power of giving and at the same time learning the value of what I have to give. Harvey Firestone (look him up) said it best,

"You get the best out of others when you give the best of yourself." Amen.


PS - My new "Song That I Have to Hear Daily" is "Losing My Balance" by J.Cole. Around the beginning of the year it was "Piano Lessons" by Colin Munroe feat. Joell Ortiz. Then it was "Successful" by Drake feat. Trey Songz. More recently it was "The Winner" by Drake (small history for those that might care)....

ADD Blog

Might have to go to Miami tomorrow...Music biz is crazy...Don't really wanna go (because I know it would involve me driving), but whatever, I could use a small vacay.

People keep telling me that I'm losing weight so I got on the scale today...192.4...Last time I was on I was around 194. I do feel a little bit smaller, but I feel stronger than I felt at 222. I'm proud of myself for sticking with this workout and eating healthy (for the most part) thing. Usually, I'll last a month or two, then come up with different things to do, but this time I've managed to add a little variety whenever I get bored so it makes it easier to do...

I saw on the news today a story about a pack of wild dogs that killed an elderly couple in the boonies. The first thing the Humane Society spokesperson says is that those dogs must not have been spayed or neutered, and these types of attacks are "one in a million". Now when Mike Vick kills some dogs, that negro needs to go to maximum security prison and should never be allowed to play football again. How come those dogs get a pass because, in so many words, they are merely products of their environment, and Vick doesn't because growing up in a low-income urban area where dogfighting was a local hobby apparently has nothing to do with why he thought it was okay to engage in the same activity as an adult? I've never fought dogs in my life, but in no universe that exists will I ever value the life of a dog as much as the life of a person...

*In the immortal words of Forrest Gump..."Now that's all I got to say about that...."

The Law of Vibration

The law of vibration (according to the person that told me this was, in fact, a law) says that whatever energy you put out into the universe, will come back to you. And will attract others with "like" energy.

I'm seeing things moving in a very positive direction and I am starting to believe that it very much has to do with the changes I've been making within myself. In no way am I trying to pat myself on the back, but I'm starting to think that maybe I was the reason things weren't going as well as we wanted them to, and now that I'm being more energetic about what I'm doing, it is becoming infectious. In just this past week, we have accomplished things that we've wanted to do for months now, and I think a lot of it has to do with me.

I'm waking up every morning telling myself to "attack the day". I'm no longer allowing things to happen, I'm making them happen. I'm no longer drifting through life, I'm setting life's course. Others are noticing. I am too :)

Good Music

Great...Great mixtape...had it for about a year now...but it STILL is the bizzy...check it out...

Current Playlist

Relationships

The past still clings to my memories. I am busier than ever these days and my mind still finds time to reminisce. The good times. The bad. My lies. My mistakes. I can only comfort myself with the fact that people can and will move on. I know she will find someone to make her happy. For a long time, even after my lies exploded in both of our faces, I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself that we would end up together in the end. While a part of me still feels that way, I must admit that the little voice that says that is getting quieter as time goes on. I find myself asking myself if she called me today, would I get back with her? My heart says yes, but my mind says no. I know I'm not ready, and I'm not sure if it could ever go back to the way it once was. In my perfect vision for my relationship with my wife, or any type of long-term relationship, I want to be able to inspire my significant other. I want to be the best man she has met (or at least on the short list). I have tried the "let's grow together" thing and it just didn't work. I have realized that, before I ever get into any other type of meaningful relationship, I want to be the man that I want to be first. I want to be my own hero. My mom always said "If you don't love yourself, who else can love you?" I did love myself once, but I've since realized that love was superficial. I can't love whom I don't know, and I didn't really know myself. I'm learning more about myself everyday. I'm becoming a lot more conscious of what I do and say, and it is really empowering. I read this passage to my ex below once before, considering it yet another opportunity to showcase my intelligence. I understood the message of the passage, but I realize I wasn't living it:

The Prophet on Marriage
by Khalil Gibran

Then Almitra spoke again and said...
"And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:

You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other's shadow.

(Sigh) Yet another example of the small but huge difference between study and application...More life lived....More lessons learned...

Quote

"It takes a whole lot of not having what you want to get what you want the most."

Jess B. Simple



Damn...Truth really is timeless ain't it?

Back Like I Never Left

Been really busy the last couple of days...Been very productive. I feel almost like a switch has been activated within me. I feel like I'm taking my life by the horns more and more. Making sure that with every passing day, something within my environment has changed for the better. Nothing feels better than telling yourself at the beginning of the day you will get something done, and it's done at the end of the day (well...almost nothing). I'm almost surprising myself with all the things I can juggle and handle through the course of a day. The intent of this isn't in any way to pat myself on the back (I do that enough in my own mind), but to hopefully cause someone to push their own limits. Get more aggressive with their own life. Rome wasn't built in a day, or even a week, so I can't say I'm the new poster child for getting things done, but I know I'm going to make a conscious effort to be more productive, thereby giving more of myself to the world. So far it feels really good...I can dig this...

Purpose and Duty

I keep thinking about this law school thing. I really need to get on my recommendations and personal statement, but for some reason I keep procrastinating. I don't know if it's laziness, fear, I'm handling other business, but I really feel like I need to place it at the top of my priority list. You know how when you know the right thing to do, but for some reason you avoid doing it, and it always lingers with you, and you go through periods where your mind can quarantine that idea, but sometimes the idea gets loose in your head an infects all of your thinking for that time? If not, just rock wit me here. That's how I feel about law school. I feel like God is giving me signs that I need to get more proactive about it. I just happened to read an op-ed in the Sunday paper, where someone makes the argument that affirmative action has been all but destroyed by the recent Supreme Court decision regarding the white Hartford, CT firefighters who sued the city over what they called "reverse-discrimination". I won't go into details regarding the whole article, but in it, the author notes that Blacks and Hispanics make up only between 4 and 6 percent of all the lawyers in the US. I did a little research on his statistic, and according the most recent census survey on the matter (in 2004), blacks make up only 4.4% (58,000) of US lawyers. To add more insult to injury, I calculated what percentage that was of the African American population in the US (39.7 million) and that comes out to a whopping 0.1% of the US African American population are lawyers.

As I told you before, George Washington Carver passed up a potentially illustrious career in the arts to pursue a graduate degree out of a sense of duty he felt to his people to use the intellect he was blessed with to bless others. I feel like if I were to allow this opportunity to go by, I would be letting down far too many people. I would be letting myself down. It would be a shame for me not to make use of my God-given gifts.

The decision has already been made, I will be enrolling somewhere in Fall 2010...I'm just...well...blogging about the journey is all...






Sidenote - I just turned my head to the tv and saw an outrageously gay dance team on America's Best Dance Crew. And one of those dudes looks like a chick...Am I really seeing this?

Random Sighting

Experienced a VERY random Nicole Wray sighting (I thought she was dead or sumthin) on Wednesday and she performed this song. She gained some weight since her singing days (of course) but she hit every note with ease. This song was the bizzy back in the day...

Social Skills

I went out to a bar today for the first time in months with this friend of mine that came in town. While we were chillin, this girl just walks all up in the kool-aid asking what we were doin. Me and my man are both lookin at this chick like wtf are u talkin bout. After about a minute of her "breaking the ice" she admits that she came over to us because her friend, wanted to know my name. I didn't know that grown women were doing that in 2009, but whatever. I decide to go make my way over to ol girl and ask her name and we talk for a little bit. She seemed like a nice person but she had one absolutely glaring problem. At no point during the conversation did she ask me ANYTHING about myself. Now, the not too long ago me, would've been just fine with that because I've always preferred hearing you talk about yourself than me telling you about me. But I found myself while she was talking thinking to myself, "This b#@ch hasn't even thought to gather any information from me." I, on the other hand, found out everything about her, from the usual info like age, job, and where she's from, to personal information like how hard it was for her to deal with the sudden death of her father last year. Normally if someone asks you where you're from, you tell them and then you ask them where they're from. Not this one. She answered, then went on to talk about something else. CRAZY. I got her number so I wouldn't look like an asshole, but I ain't calling that one. NEXT!

New Favorite Commercial

True Freedom

"Poverty breeds lack of self-reliance." - Daniel Deleon

Truer words were never spoken. The last few years of my life, while I have been pursuing this music career, I have become someone else. Someone my mother never raised me to be. Someone that relies entirely too much upon the words/actions of others. It seems, for the sake of the dream, I have sacrificed much of my soul. I know it may seem like hyperbole, but I woke up this morning, wondering "How did I get here?" Most who knew me "pre-industry" would have never predicted the circumstances I have currently found myself in. Everything in my soul is telling me this isn't how I'm supposed to be living. God didn't bring me through all he did for me to utilize/not utilize my gifts like this. I act like I'm okay with the sacrifices I'm making. Outwardly, I appear to understand this is the way it must be done in order to break through. My heart doesn't believe that. And I think it's beginning to show to my peers. For some time, I have tried to brush this feeling off as a momentary rush of frustration, but I know it runs much deeper. I've always wanted to be the 2 things things that my father wasn't. A man of his word and a self-sufficient person. In this venture in the music industry, I have gone very far off of that path. A man can provide for himself and his family if he has one. By my own standards, I am not a man. That is unacceptable. I am more. I will be more.

"Self-reliance is the only road to true freedom, and being one's own person is its ultimate reward." - Patricia Sampson

Amen.