Most of us know at least ONE person in the military...and if you happened to have lived in a low-income area where the military routinely sends out the crew cut howie long look-a-like street team...then you know quite a few...
Now if you've every hung out with a person who's in the military...you know there is no way you can have any conversation lasting longer than 5 minutes without them making SOME reference to the military. "Yea man, that's like when we was in the barracks..." or "We had a place like that on base..."
Now granted I got nuthin but love and respect for all my homies in the military, and I'm sure it was a life changing experience and all, but homie PLEASE stop tellin me about your drunken military escapades or how much money you were/are makin tax-free or how much foreign breezys love soldiers (they just want a green card Iceberg Slim, not YOU). If the military was that great, what the hell you doin back here talkin bout it for my ninja. Something you didn't like had to happen. I didn't know that "army of one" really means "army of publicists of one". I swear it's like some cleverly calculated conspiracy (aaahh the alliteration) by the government. I never hear the homies tell me about the bad things about the military like, um, i don't know, being in a WAR ZONE where you're the only one wearing readily identifiable uniforms.
And don't get me on the ones that start to get front lines siditty and say things that begin or end with "you civilians". NINJA PLEASE. You ain't in no Delta Force or Navy Seals or Army Rangers or Men In Black or Mission Impossible. Ninja I knew you in HIGH SCHOOL. Don't talk about "you civilians" like we a different species after sgt. slaughter taught you how to take orders with no questions asked. I'll still kick your basic training a$$ in the nutz and call it a day patna....
Just remember, next time G.I. bro wants to start tellin his full metal jacket stories with a smile on his face, remind him that Bush could still use him...
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Let's talk about social skills
*Names changed to protect reputations
Okay so I have a friend at work by the name of Jon. Now, Jon stops by my desk everyday just to holla at me about whatever's goin on in his life at the time and he shares stories with me. When I first started working at my current workplace, I met Jon and he seemed like a real cool down to earth dude. It didn't take me long to realize that Jon has a horrible habit. He repeats himself. ALL THE TIME. I mean he'll tell you a story on Monday, then turn around on Tuesday and tell you the EXACT SAME STORY. Somehow in the 24 hours that passed since you last spoke with him, he completely forgot the previous conversation you both had IN ITS ENTIRETY. Now again, he's a pretty cool dude (other than his annoying little habit) so I can deal with it, but tonight just took me absolutely over the edge.
Jon is a DJ right, and he's been repeatedly reminding me of that fact ever since I have met him. Now he asked me to come over to his house so I could hear him spin. He talks to me about what he likes to play all the time (he names the same old school artists EVERY TIME in the SAME ORDER) and we dig a lot of the same music so I decided to stop by. I was over there for about 2 hours listening to him drop everything from old school to new school and I actually enjoyed the experience. Well the following week, he brought me over to tell some of our other co-workers about his spinning abilities and I gave him a good review so a couple of other people wanted to stop by. We went over there tonight to just chill and listen to him put his thang down. He played the first song (Chubb Rock's "Treat 'Em Right") which he also played for me and I thought maybe it was just his leadoff song. He plays his second song (Cheryl Lynn "Got to Be Real") and my thought was "Oh no....". While everyone else was jammin to the song, I was wondering if this ninja really was going to play the SAME D#@N MIX he played for me last weekend. Turns out, my hunch was correct. This negro played the same mix, but what made it even more astounding, he was scratching and using effects in the SAME EXACT places of the song as he did when I was there earlier. Like it was a routine or something. Then, when he finished, this ninja looked at me, and in all seriousness said, "So what did you think of my mix?" WTF?! NINJA I JUST HEARD IT 5 DAYS AGO!!YOU DIDN'T CHANGE A D#@N THING SINCE THEN!!!
What also really kills me about Jon is that when he's repeating these stories, he makes extra sure to have the proper time period as a context to the story. In fact, he'll discuss his thoughts OUT LOUD about him recalling when things happened ("When was that? Oh yeah that was when blah blah blah because I was waiting on blah blah blah that week and Biggie died that Thursday blah blah blah). For some reason he can remember ALL OF THAT, but can't remember that he just REMEMBERED that whole background to the story yesterday as he was telling me the story YESTERDAY.
Now I try to give him hints that he's repeating himself by finishing his stories for him ("Oh yea you told me about that...") but to no avail. I decided I had to take it up a notch so I tried to show disinterested body language. I might look away while he's talking or take out my phone and text when he's retelling a story. Also, TO NO AVAIL. This man has absolutely NO social skills whatsoever. I think he's one of those people you just have to break down and be mean to because otherwise, they just won't get it. The problem is, I CAN'T DO IT. He's such a genuine and nice guy that I just don't have the heart to tell him to shut the f#@k up.
Times like this I wish there was a "Rent-a-A$$hole" service where I could have some heartless bastard say what I feel for me. I would just call the hotline and I an a$$hole would pull up to where I'm at in a scooter (they save gas), hop off, say "SHUT...THE F#@K.....UP!", hop back on the scooter and be out...
Somebody should look into this....
Okay so I have a friend at work by the name of Jon. Now, Jon stops by my desk everyday just to holla at me about whatever's goin on in his life at the time and he shares stories with me. When I first started working at my current workplace, I met Jon and he seemed like a real cool down to earth dude. It didn't take me long to realize that Jon has a horrible habit. He repeats himself. ALL THE TIME. I mean he'll tell you a story on Monday, then turn around on Tuesday and tell you the EXACT SAME STORY. Somehow in the 24 hours that passed since you last spoke with him, he completely forgot the previous conversation you both had IN ITS ENTIRETY. Now again, he's a pretty cool dude (other than his annoying little habit) so I can deal with it, but tonight just took me absolutely over the edge.
Jon is a DJ right, and he's been repeatedly reminding me of that fact ever since I have met him. Now he asked me to come over to his house so I could hear him spin. He talks to me about what he likes to play all the time (he names the same old school artists EVERY TIME in the SAME ORDER) and we dig a lot of the same music so I decided to stop by. I was over there for about 2 hours listening to him drop everything from old school to new school and I actually enjoyed the experience. Well the following week, he brought me over to tell some of our other co-workers about his spinning abilities and I gave him a good review so a couple of other people wanted to stop by. We went over there tonight to just chill and listen to him put his thang down. He played the first song (Chubb Rock's "Treat 'Em Right") which he also played for me and I thought maybe it was just his leadoff song. He plays his second song (Cheryl Lynn "Got to Be Real") and my thought was "Oh no....". While everyone else was jammin to the song, I was wondering if this ninja really was going to play the SAME D#@N MIX he played for me last weekend. Turns out, my hunch was correct. This negro played the same mix, but what made it even more astounding, he was scratching and using effects in the SAME EXACT places of the song as he did when I was there earlier. Like it was a routine or something. Then, when he finished, this ninja looked at me, and in all seriousness said, "So what did you think of my mix?" WTF?! NINJA I JUST HEARD IT 5 DAYS AGO!!YOU DIDN'T CHANGE A D#@N THING SINCE THEN!!!
What also really kills me about Jon is that when he's repeating these stories, he makes extra sure to have the proper time period as a context to the story. In fact, he'll discuss his thoughts OUT LOUD about him recalling when things happened ("When was that? Oh yeah that was when blah blah blah because I was waiting on blah blah blah that week and Biggie died that Thursday blah blah blah). For some reason he can remember ALL OF THAT, but can't remember that he just REMEMBERED that whole background to the story yesterday as he was telling me the story YESTERDAY.
Now I try to give him hints that he's repeating himself by finishing his stories for him ("Oh yea you told me about that...") but to no avail. I decided I had to take it up a notch so I tried to show disinterested body language. I might look away while he's talking or take out my phone and text when he's retelling a story. Also, TO NO AVAIL. This man has absolutely NO social skills whatsoever. I think he's one of those people you just have to break down and be mean to because otherwise, they just won't get it. The problem is, I CAN'T DO IT. He's such a genuine and nice guy that I just don't have the heart to tell him to shut the f#@k up.
Times like this I wish there was a "Rent-a-A$$hole" service where I could have some heartless bastard say what I feel for me. I would just call the hotline and I an a$$hole would pull up to where I'm at in a scooter (they save gas), hop off, say "SHUT...THE F#@K.....UP!", hop back on the scooter and be out...
Somebody should look into this....
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
World Series of Who Has Less Sex (with an actual woman)
For some reason, whenever I turn on the television, this "World Series of Pop Culture" is always on. Apparently, there are teams of Pop Culture nerds, that watch SO much TV, and SO many movies, and listen to SO much music, that they feel the need to compete in their lameness, since they probably can't compete in anything else.
First, lets discuss the guys. These guys are OBVIOUSLY nerds. I bet the only women they see are on TV (or perhaps the chicks that also entered this "World Series", but then it's not to have sex, but merely watch 21 Jump Street together to memorize lines). I also laugh at their smugness when they know the answer. They answer with this sort of "I'm SO gonna get laid for knowing this" kind of tone. Little do they know that women aren't impressed at your ability to remember lines from bad 80's songs.
The women are a conundrum to me. Some of them are actually ATTRACTIVE. I justify it in my mind with the idea that there must be some serious personality issues with these women if they stay at home ALL the time watching TV. The other ones, you know the phenotype of the other ones...well, we KNOW why they at home.
It is rather ingenious of the person in the boardroom that came up with this idea of Jeopardy for the younger generation. Hey, they catch me putting down the remote for 20 minutes or so (How else would I be able to write this blog). The only catch is you're only cool if you win the prize money. Winning might actually increase your standing with the opposite sex, losing, well, hey, when it comes to the opposite sex, that's probably what these people are used to.
I'm tired of typing, where's the remote....
First, lets discuss the guys. These guys are OBVIOUSLY nerds. I bet the only women they see are on TV (or perhaps the chicks that also entered this "World Series", but then it's not to have sex, but merely watch 21 Jump Street together to memorize lines). I also laugh at their smugness when they know the answer. They answer with this sort of "I'm SO gonna get laid for knowing this" kind of tone. Little do they know that women aren't impressed at your ability to remember lines from bad 80's songs.
The women are a conundrum to me. Some of them are actually ATTRACTIVE. I justify it in my mind with the idea that there must be some serious personality issues with these women if they stay at home ALL the time watching TV. The other ones, you know the phenotype of the other ones...well, we KNOW why they at home.
It is rather ingenious of the person in the boardroom that came up with this idea of Jeopardy for the younger generation. Hey, they catch me putting down the remote for 20 minutes or so (How else would I be able to write this blog). The only catch is you're only cool if you win the prize money. Winning might actually increase your standing with the opposite sex, losing, well, hey, when it comes to the opposite sex, that's probably what these people are used to.
I'm tired of typing, where's the remote....
Parenting Without Any D#@n Sense
I saw something today that really disturbed me. I came back home from my daily workout (gettin mah six-pack game up) and I saw this lady get up when I pulled my car up to the gate. I recognized this lady as the "extra regular" lady who frequently sits outside on the bench while her baby runs amok in the parking lot. I say "extra regular" because everything about her is pretty, well, REGULAR. Regular clothes, regular car, regular hair style, hell she even LOOKS regular. For instance, if you lost her in a crowd of people and she had your car keys, you bes start asking people for bus change...unless you wanna play a real life "Where's Waldo". Back to the story, I thought it peculiar this time that she got up when I came in the parking lot, because usually she just sits there barely recognizing my presence and also she walked over by where the water hose is attached to the building, where people wash there car. So, as I pull into my parking space, I think "Where the hell is the baby?" When I get out of the car and head into the building, my question is answered. I see this chick, standing next to her baby, who is literally STANDING in a METAL BUCKET of bubbly water. Now, my first thought was hell, this is the South, maybe she was having a "Color Purple" moment. Then, I said naw homie, under NO circumstances do you wash your baby, while the baby is still wearing the baby uniform, in a metal bucket, in a public parking lot, in downtown Atlanta, MINUTES away from your own damn bathtub!
This then got me thinking about another situation regarding questionable parenting. I went out with a couple of friends for drinks after work. Now let me say, that this is a bar/nightclub. It is Friday evening. We all know what happens during this time. GROWN FOLKS ISH. So anyways, we get a table on the upstairs patio overlooking the street and get some drinks and chill. After some time, I notice this little Asian girl running across the patio. I didn't believe it so I asked my friends for confirmation...Indeed it was a little girl, couldn't have been older than 9, running around a bar on Friday night. To make matters worse, there was no parental figure in sight. After managing to continue conversation and libation with friends, while intermittently being distracted by the running baby, her "parent" shows up....WITH A CIGARETTE! This like 50-something white guy is just chillin with his homies smoking on cigs, while ignoring that attention craving baby. And he also makes a point to exhale his smoke mafia boss style in babygirl's face.
I note these two experiences to say, some people just shouldn't have children. I could at this point make some sweeping indictment about white parenting, but I shall refrain. I have seen some crazy things when Shaniqua (take no offense if this is your name) takes her five babies (take no offense if this is your baby count) to the grocery store (any depictions that are similar to your real life situation are purely coincidental). When these aforemtioned children turn out to walk around in trenchcoats showin the goods to underage girls (my man in the bucket) or breathing through a hole in her neck at 25 and becoming an alcoholic to take the pain away (homegirl at the bar), you can say you heard it here first.
This then got me thinking about another situation regarding questionable parenting. I went out with a couple of friends for drinks after work. Now let me say, that this is a bar/nightclub. It is Friday evening. We all know what happens during this time. GROWN FOLKS ISH. So anyways, we get a table on the upstairs patio overlooking the street and get some drinks and chill. After some time, I notice this little Asian girl running across the patio. I didn't believe it so I asked my friends for confirmation...Indeed it was a little girl, couldn't have been older than 9, running around a bar on Friday night. To make matters worse, there was no parental figure in sight. After managing to continue conversation and libation with friends, while intermittently being distracted by the running baby, her "parent" shows up....WITH A CIGARETTE! This like 50-something white guy is just chillin with his homies smoking on cigs, while ignoring that attention craving baby. And he also makes a point to exhale his smoke mafia boss style in babygirl's face.
I note these two experiences to say, some people just shouldn't have children. I could at this point make some sweeping indictment about white parenting, but I shall refrain. I have seen some crazy things when Shaniqua (take no offense if this is your name) takes her five babies (take no offense if this is your baby count) to the grocery store (any depictions that are similar to your real life situation are purely coincidental). When these aforemtioned children turn out to walk around in trenchcoats showin the goods to underage girls (my man in the bucket) or breathing through a hole in her neck at 25 and becoming an alcoholic to take the pain away (homegirl at the bar), you can say you heard it here first.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
