Greatest....Salesman.....EVER

This is for my fellow night owls. If you've spent any time looking at a television after midnight, you have definitely come into contact with Mr. Billy Mays, or as I have dubbed him, The Greatest Salesman Ever.

America first came into contact with the GSE when the product OxiClean hit the market. At the time, the mid 90's, I wasn't much of a clothes washer. But when I heard this man yell at me about OxiClean, I asked my mother why we didn't have any. Every time I see his commercials, I'm thankful my wallet isn't around. For some reason, I get sucked into his high-volume energy and lumberjack facial hair, and I want to buy whatever he's selling. It's absolutely insane to me. How can this 50 yr old white guy, hypnotize me, a 25 yr old black male, into buying whatever he's selling? It's a miracle in race relations people, that's what it is.

You think 50 Cent did wonders for Vitamin Water? Could you even imagine the luxury water global monopoly that would occur if Billy Mays sold "Formula Mays"? I tell you, this guy needs to be teaching Sales courses at Harvard. They should be He's the absolute real deal.

Just my opinion....

PS - For those haters who think I'm the only one who's buying what he's selling, his $1.8 million house says otherwise. BOOTCH.

Kanye

Ok ladies and gents. This one has been heavy on my heart for a while. Kanye West is an absolute creative genius. He definitely pushes the limits on hip-hop music and is one of the few artists that insists on pushing music forward with every album. But let's be real with ourselves people.

IT IS NOT OK TO RELEASE A SINGING ALBUM!!!!!!!

How in the name of Jesus/Allah/Vishnu did you people hear that Love Lockdown record and call it genius is beyond me. If that record was done by Yung Berg, we'd all be signing the online petition for Berg to be dropped (if that hasn't been started already). But oh, just because it's KANYE, we think it's a good song. Negro please. Kanye does not SING. He clearly RAPS. How did we ever get this confused? If a dog chirps, it's STILL a dog. We just look at it like, "The hell is wrong wit this dog?"

Don't allow your "fan ears" (sumthin much akin to beer goggles) to color your honest opinion. Most people don't like this record the first time they hear it, so don't let your blind devotion for all things Kanye allow this record to grow on you.

This is my plea, that I know will fall on many deaf ears, because you're reading this anyways, probably while listening to that crap a$$ record right now.

EGOS

Now I work in the music industry right, a place full of napoleon complexes, rampant insecurity, and manly men with girly sensitivity, so one would think that I would be unaffected by people and their ridiculous egos, but that is most certainly not the case.

You couldn't believe the amount of people in this industry that have in no way matched their perceptions of themselves and the real world. Considering this is what I do, I won't give names, but some people just really need to get it together.

If I got no legs, I have no business walkin around actin like I can win an a$$-kicking contest. Likewise, if I got no arms, I shouldn't keep tellin everybody I give the best hugs. It just makes no d@mn sense people.

Take me for example, now I know I'm not perfect, and I think everyone succesful in the music industry has to possess some kind of ego, but I don't think I take it overboard. I tell everyone I work with, I don't sing, I don't rap, I don't songwrite, I don't produce. That is what all those other wonderfully talented people do. I know what I'm good at is building relationships and focusing on the big picture. I do what I do, and creative people do what they do.

People look silly when they step out of what they do and try to do what other people do. For example, when Kobe rapped, we all laughed. Kobe plays basketball. Kobe doesn't rap. See how easy that is?

Back to this music game and all the crazy egos. I think there should be a website (if u take my idea, gimme my percentage) called whattheyreallydo.com. This website should be set up as a directory of people in the industry. You can have little profiles a la myspace, and on it should be a list of what he/she does. With every item on the list, there should be some corresponding evidence, that they indeed do that item they listed. People should be able to either confirm or deny that what you listed is actually what you do. True, you might have some haters, but I'm assuming the majority of people in the industry aren't hating on you, and if they are, you might just be an a$$hole so work on that patna. I think, over time, the website could become a pretty valid source of information on people in the industry and can be used to refute all that "industry bs" that these folks out here be talking.

Again, if you take my idea in any manner, expect a letter from my lawyer. I ain't hatin, I just like gettin my check, ya dig.

Disney Movies

For you people that haven't yet been able to experience the good times to be had kickin it witcha boy, one thing about me, I luv me some Disney movies.

Yea, I said it, I'm talkin Lion King, Aladdin, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast DISNEY MOVIES. If you're reading this right now and you're formulating some kinda series of jokes to say next time you see me, DON'T PLAY YASELF. You rock wit Disney too.

Many times, have people come to my house and looked at the movie collection and had sumthin to say about my Disney collection. But you know what? Bet they picked a Disney movie to watch. Now don't get it twisted, I don't have Simba night lights, or a Bambi puzzle, I just appreciate the movies.

If you don't, you might wanna call up your parents, talk about your misplaced anger, cry that ish out, then head to your local blockbuster and cop that Kung Fu Panda and prepare to be blinded by "the overexposure to pure awesomeness".

Meatheads

Now I'm not the most "health-conscious" dude, but you could say I'm a regular gym attender guy. I try to go when I have the time, and make a point to go at least a couple times a week. This is for the dudes like me that go to the gym somewhat regularly.

Don't you hate those dudes at the gym that be setting up like five different work stations in a small a$$ weight room so they can run some type of circuit training shit like they the only dude in the gym? The ol' "you usin this?" ass negro. And you be thinking, "I'm not using it right now, but I might when I'm finished with what I'm doin right now. You know you're SUPPOSED to take one step then the next step. ASS." And what happens is they always set up some shit that's all the way across the room. I swear these negros need like one of them bowflexes so they can stay they ass in one place and do a hundred exercises....

And what's even worse, is they be settin up like they own creative ass workouts. Like, they be pullin the stabilization ball across the gym and puttin it under the leg press to do some ape shit LL Cool J Platinum Workout set.

Anyways, that's all...sorry for cursin...

Complaints

1. Wtf is up wit these gas prices? I remember driving by the gas station and sayin, "I'm takin the bus if it goes past $2." Then I said, "I'ma start walkin if it goes past $3..." Now I'm sayin, "I'm gonna blow up the f#@kin White House if it goes past $4..." Now, as evidenced by my earlier statements, I'm clearly bullshittin wit myself, cuz ya boy don't do no bus and don't kick no rocks (not dissin people who do, juz ain't for me, at least not anymore homie), and I have no idea how to make or where to buy a bomb. But I will say for sure, if tomorrow John McCain promised me universal healthcare and $2 a gallon gasoline, I would vote for him. In a heartbeat.

2. Why do laptop batteries last about 6.5 minutes? If I wanted to watch a movie on the airplane, the only movies that are actually viable are movies that are strictly an hour and a half, and most movies of that length are starring one of three people Jean Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagall, or The Rock. While that's not a horrible thing, those movies are watched on TBS, TNT, or USA only when absolutely NOTHING else is on and I feel like turning my brain off for exactly an hour and a half. When I'm on a four hour flight to LA, I would prefer to keep my mind on, but preferreably on a mentally engaging movie.

3. Why do I happen to find out about all of the good tv shows when they get on that TNT drama in the daytime thing? First, Chasing Amy, now Las Vegas. Now I'm not the biggest TV dude, but I like to think I know what tv shows people like (Grey's Anatomy, Lost, other stuff I can't think of right now, etc...). Where was I when these shows were on tv? Where was I when they were playing episodes in chronological order?

4. Why do I hear that Cleveland is getting a Family Guy spinoff before Quagmire? That is monumentally special right there. Quagmire is far and away the funniest guy on the show behind Peter and Stewey. Whoever's pullin the strings over there at Fox needs to be tied down and forced to hear Lil Wayne try to speak coherently about anything remotely intelligent until he cries...

5. Speaking of Lil Wayne, why is he such an idiot outside of the studio. Youtube any video of him talking about anything in particular and I guarantee when the video goes off you'll think "wtf was he talkin about?" It's crazy how someone with his talents for putting words together can't do it when they don't have to rhyme. Isn't that supposed to make it HARDER?

I've got more...but this is a blog, not an essay...

Internet Icebergs

Now let's talk about a disturbing trend. With the advent of social networking sites from BlackPlanet to Facebook to Myspace, some negroes have begun to operate with the assumption that it is okay to attempt to shoot game online to unsuspecting females. I had heard rumors of this rubbish and never had personally witnessed this "digipimpin" but this debacle landed on my doorstep a few weeks ago...

A couple months ago, I decided the picture on my facebook profile would be dedicated to the magical creation that is a woman. In other words, models and video vixens adorn my profile pics. Now the first couple months were pretty much met with some sprinkles of hate from female friends (of course) and fanmail from negroes who tended to check for a new profile pic when they asses supposed to be working (of course). Well, recently, I have been receiving personal messages from these internet lames that think they got some game. Messages have ranged from the overconfident (Hey Beautiful! How about I take you out?) to the overly self-deprecating (I normally don't do this...but).

Now while I normally don't try to generalize (I'm lyin, of course I do), these digi-dummies have one thing in common...

THEY'RE ALL SHOOTIN GAME AT A GROWN-ASS MAN!!!!

Unacceptable people. First rule of any kind of mackin is know who the hell you're talkin to. I wonder how these web weiners (Am I killin the internet alliteration?Ok. I'll stop.) Manage to skip the name next to the picture. It's not like my name is sexually ambiguous in any way. If you've ever met a female Eric, slap her parents. PLEASE. I'm talkin Mike-Epps-in-How-High-style wit the baby powder and everything...

Now some of these croutons do get a pass because they're foreign. They can't read the name all they see is the booty. Understandable. Wait. No they don't. How in God's name could anybody pimp online wit a foreigner who's working with a completely different keyboard anyways? Unless you're sending nudie pics how could he/she get the hint? I'm rambling lemme wrap it up.

I, personally, find internet pimpin lame. Bishop Don Juan does too. So does Suga Free. And Bill Clinton. Him too.

You Can't Make A Ho A Housewife....Can You?

I was recently asked by a female, "Could a woman go from a B-U-D-D-Y to your wifey?" Many men have come to this crossroads. Brad Pitt. Donald Trump. Nelly. Bill Clinton. Eric Benet. Hell, even some women have had to deal. Halle Berry. Oprah. Some can easily be overpowered by a jumpoff's sexual prowess (Darius McCrary), and some can never fully recognize their jumpoff as a person due to their willingness to be a jumpoff with no questions asked (Oprah).

The answer is simple: it depends.

If one has come to the point where he/she wonders whether to upgrade to wifey/man status, one must first consider a few things. First and foremost one has to consider whether or not the person is a ho/manho. Under no circumstances is it EVER okay to wife up a ho. None whatsoever. I don't care what anybody tells you, you are certified lame if you're now paying for the cow that everybody else milked for free. You, my friend, have no game. Or self-confidence. Or the right to call your woman yours because everyone else had/has her to. Go to jail, you do not collect $200. Now don't misconstrue me to mean that your jumpoff needs to be monogamous before you consider the upgrade, for that is completely unrealistic and in direct contradiction to the whole point of being/having a jumpoff. I only say that to stress that it is unacceptable if all of your homies can share "It was crazy when she did this..." stories about your proposed wifey. Second, if the jumpoff passes the first test, then one must consider the personality of the jumpoff. In your understandably short conversation time with your jumpoff, does she seem to be compatible with you? Now for some this may be easy, but for some, this might be like being asked to predict tomorrow's lotto numbers. For the difficult ones, all I can say is before you make the leap, make some kind of conversation. About ANYTHING. Just to see where her head is at, because you want to do all you can to avoid the "Everything was going great, but then..." story.

To the homies, I just say make sure you're jumpoff isn't TOO good at sex. She can be good, but if a chick is puttin it down like a pornstar every night, you might wanna think about how many "shoots" she had to attend. Ya dig?