Caretaker

So today I was kinda frustrated with everybody at the crib today. While I was at work, my roommate called me and said that the cable was turned off. I told him I would take care of it when I got off. I get back, handle it ($300 worth of handlin), and then I feel this overwhelming feeling of frustration. I was frustrated with the situation I'm in. After my man takin me in, and I'm assuming taking care of the bills, I get a job only to find out that in fact he WASN'T takin care of the bills and now it feels like everyone looks to me to handle all of the bills now (of which all have past due balances). I felt frustrated at paying $500 in two weeks to catch up the cable bill. I'm frustrated that I know next week there's gonna be another bill for me to take care of. I'm frustrated that I have my own bills to take care of at the same time. I'm frustrated that I'm taking care of men almost twice my age. I'm frustrated that having money hasn't brought me closer to them but made me feel more distant.

I know that he and I had a conversation about me possibly moving out last week, but there is no way for me to be able to do that if I'm paying all the bills each month. I feel like my bank account has a leak in it. A leak that keeps coming back. If I get a week to save a check, the next week something "needs to be paid" so I lose that money as quick as I got it. I don't want to internalize my frustration and eventually take it out on people I consider to be my friends, so I'm blogging. But this is, at times, very frustrating. My mom always told me never let someone take care of you, because eventually, they will lose respect for you. I couldn't have said it better myself...

WHO are u?

One of my homies is...to say it frankly, a manipulative, conniving jerkoff. The only thing is, everyone, myself included thinks he's a really good guy. Deep down. Somewhere. It's like he's two different people. He's capable of doing some of the nicest sh*t ever, and would truly kill a man for one of us, but he's also capable of doin some of the most disrespectful sh*t to us, and other people he cares about. Therein lies the conundrum. We had a somewhat "intervention" with him the other day where everyone got the opportunity to air out their grievances, and it occurred to me just after the conversation, that it wasn't the first time we had this kind of conversation with him, and it's not seeming like he's really doing anything to change. Do I think he's a good guy? Yes. But when I think about what he does, not only to us, but other people that he cares about, it makes you wonder which person is the real him?

This is opening my eyes, because I was (and honestly sometimes still am) like that. When I took a step back and examined my actions, it seemed like I was nicer to those that I didn't know than those that I did. I've heard that family are the ones that can hurt you the most, I'm assuming because they know the most about you and you allow yourself to become emotionally vulnerable around them. I know there were some cases where I definitely took advantage of that, and I'm not proud of it. It wasn't until I was put in a situation that I was forced to deal with the consequences of my actions toward those I "cared" about, that I truly made an effort to change.

I hope that he doesn't place himself in a situation where he has to learn the lesson the hard way like I did, but he is a bit older than me and they say it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I love him to death and look at him almost like a big brother to me, but I can feel myself beginning to feed him with a long-handed spoon and I don't like the guard I find myself putting up when he comes around or we talk. I almost want to sit him down and ask once and for all...homie...WHO ARE U?!

Keep it 1000

A couple of the homies from work were havin a conversation about dating etiquette and the homie said if a chick eats more than him at any time during initial courtship, she's automatically off the list. Most of us immediately called him an uppity negro, who can't handle a woman who keeps it 1000, but then I took a second to think about it....

I took this one chick to the movies and when we passed by the concession stand, in true gentlemanly fashion, I asked her if she would like anything. She proceeded to make a beeline for the register ordering a large popcorn and a drink. THEN she asked if I wanted anything and I just ordered some milk duds (I think). Anyways, while we were in the movie, I remembered watchin her out of the side of my eye eating that big a$$ popcorn and washin it down wit that big a$$ drink. Granted, I already have a not so mild irritation about me hearing the sound of people chew and drink (for some reason it's like nails on a chalkboard for me), but it was made worse when I looked at my little box of candy next to her bucket of d@mn popcorn. Then, this vacuum asked me for some of my candy. Needless to say, her a$$ was crossed off as soon as I got in the car to go home.

Now, I would assume that this double standard would remedy itself the more a man falls in love with a woman, but even then, I don't think I could handle my chick eating more than me consistently, unless of course she was some bodybuilding chick, in which case we wouldn't even be dating in the first place...

Random I know...but build a bridge ni@@a...u already read it :)

Life Is Precious

I didn't talk about this a couple days ago, but the tragic death of Bengals WR Chris Henry moved me to blog...

Earlier this week, I met an elderly white lady at work. I made the sale, and during the course of our small talk, she revealed to me that she had a terminal illness. She had tumors in BOTH lungs and had cancer in her liver. My first response was to say I'm sorry to hear that, but she quickly told me not to feel sorry because everything happens for a reason. I told her that I feel the same way, but I wouldn't know how to react if the doctor told me something as disheartening as that. She said she was hurt at first, but her faith is what got her through the initial shock. She even said she had went on to get married (this lady couldn't have been less than 55 btw) recently to a man she met online. She then went on to tell me how she was on her way to visit family in Florida for the holidays and how excited she was. I never had met anyone who really knew that they were going to die soon, so I asked her if knowing that her life wouldn't be much longer made everyday more special and she said yes. She said that everyday is a blessing and healthy young people like me should feel the same way. We had a few more words before she got on the plane...

What stuck with me was first and foremost her positivity. She literally was looking death in the face and didn't allow it to defeat her. I admired her courage. I wondered how I could/would operate in the same situation and I have no idea. That is one of those scenarios that you couldn't really imagine it until you're in it.

The sudden death of Chris Henry struck a chord with me because we were both the same age. He, like I, had made some mistakes in his life but was doing the best he could to become a better man for it. The only difference is that his journey has been cut short before he could actualize the person that he knew he could be.

I thank God that he has given me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, and I hope that he sees fit to grant me the opportunity to be that person that I see in my mind's eye. As I mature, I am learning to appreciate the journey as much as the destination. I thank God for that as well...




"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good."
- Author Unknown

Car

I'm REALLY going to have to go get my car back. I'm sick of paying $20 to everybody when I get in the car. Seems like NOBODY can give me a ride just because I need one anymore. Every time I ask somebody to take me somewhere, first thing they say is I need gas money. I be giving ni@@as the side eye like "stop countin MY money ni@@a!"

Real Love

At work today, I ran into a bubbly young lady who absolutely lit up my day. Actually she wasn't young, she was in fact a grandmother, but she had the energy of a 13 year old. Her vibe was absolutely contagious. I told her how great her spirit was and she said her mother told her that if you can't put a smile on someone's face every day, then you might as well be dead. She then brought over her husband who was just as affable. He and I spoke for about 30 minutes about his flight and then about his wife. He told me that he had met his wife when he was interviewing people to be his assistant. He said that by the end of the interview, he knew she was the one and actually gave her a kiss on the cheek and said he would call her the next day. Needless to say he hired her and the rest was history. He said his wife told him to quit his job and start a company. She said he would make a little less money the first year, but after that he would make more money than he ever had. He was scared, but he trusted her. She helped him start his company and sure enough everything she said came true. He ended up by saying that he owes all of his success to her and has been very happily married with her for 42 years and counting. He said he loves her as much today as the first time he met her.

Just meeting those two made me hopeful. After spending 5 minutes with them both, you could tell that those two were just MEANT to be together. I hope to one day have that kind of love for myself. While "dating" is fun for a while, I know the happiest moments in my life have been the ones that I have been able to share with a significant other. I believe that kind of love is out there for everyone. I guess you just have to be ready for it when it comes along. I hope I will be...

Uppity Negro

I decided to take a short trip to the flea market around the corner today to see if there was anything I wanted (I was actually looking for a pair of sweats, but whatever). So as I was walking through the flea market, the first thing that hit me was the smell. Straight up, that place stunk. Then as I was walking around, looking at stuff, the little voice inside my head kept getting louder saying, "WTF are you doing here?"

I hadn't really been shopping at the flea market since around my freshman year in college. And in high school, the swap meet might as well have been the mall for ya boy. I remember taking whatever money I earned from my lame-a$$ job at Baskins-Robbins to the swap meet to pick up some more "Cali hood negro" uniforms: white tees, dickies, and house shoes. My mom hated when I wore that stuff, but you couldn't tell my wannabe Snoop-a$$ nuthin.

When I left the market (with nothing) I was thinking to myself, am I a bourgeoisie ni@@a? Am I Bryant Gumble negro? Naw, I'm just growing up. XXL long white tees ain't it for me no more. I like my clothes a little more fitted now (skinny jeans have not been, are not, and never will be it for me tho). I like for a chick to be able to look at me and tell I work out. My style ain't European, but it ain't thug neither. It's me. Ya dig?

Thinking Man's Moment

How is every show on CBS TV's #1 show?




just asking...

Dr. Seuss

I read this book the other day. I missed it, but I was doing my nerdy habit of wikipedia-ing (not a word I know) random persons, places, and things, and found out that this book is typically a present for resent graduates and/or people going through significant changes in their lives and I found this book to be extremely uplifting to my spirit. I remember two authors primarily from my childhood, Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein. They helped me fall in love with reading at an early age...Anyways...I'll leave you with my favorite Dr. Seuss quote EVER...

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

God Works....

I got this email from a particularly fantastic website adailyproverb.com:

"A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps."
-Proverbs 16:9

Again...right on time...

The Light Is On

Had a job interview today...I think it went well, but I'll find out tomorrow if they like me enough to give me a job. I really hope they do. I feel like, in the situation that I'm in, living with my co-workers, people tend to de-value what I do. At first I was mad, but then I told myself that I can't be mad at human nature. When people have the ability to have use you on an almost "on-call" basis all day every day, they don't have the time to appreciate what you do because there's never a time when you're not there.

For so long (almost 2 and a half years), I've sacrificed how I want to live now, for where I want to be later. Not that that's a bad thing, but I think I may have taken that ethos to the extreme. I've been exploring the music industry for some time now, and learned a lot about myself. I've been broker than broke, and I've been just okay, but I've yet to maximize my earning power in this industry. One thing I've noticed in this industry is that many people (like myself)do dumb things (ie don't get regular jobs) because of this ideal of "sacrifice". We almost attach a kind of nobility to being broke until we "make it". We create illogical barriers such as "I can't get a job, because if I do, people in the industry might see me working, and that will hurt my reputation in the business." How foolish is this arguing why you can't get a job, but also argue that you have to make it a point to look like you have money. We perpetuate this "fake it 'til you make it" proverb, which only continues the vicious cycle of ni@@az doin ni@@a sh*t.

I say all of that to say, that I now refuse to live this life anymore. I refuse to be the best dressed poor guy you know (clothes bought when I HAD a job). Today I watched someone go through their phone looking for someone they could borrow gas money from, get the money, come back and put on a $600 outfit (literally) and go about their business. I'm not judging in any way, because I am guilty of committing the same act of coonery (not quite $600, but maybe $150). I only use that as a microcosm of what is going on in this industry.

To paraphrase the famous Pogo quote: I have met the enemy, and he is I.

Thinking Man's Moment

My sister sent me this...

"Choose your crowd wisely! Mediocrity seems like excellence when you're around a bunch of mediocre people."

- Rev Run



...She doesn't even know how much I needed to be reminded of that...God works in mysterious ways...

Thinking Man's Moment

"In every woman there is a Queen. Speak to the Queen and the Queen will answer."

- Norwegian Proverb


...word.

Obama: Too Cool?

First off, let me say that I am definitely a drinker of the Obama kool-aid. When this man gives a speech, don't talk to me, don't call me. I might be the biggest Obama supporter with no Obama paraphernalia (which will soon be rectified when I get my picture of him being sworn in blown up so I can put it on my wall). Anyways, in my opinion, this man can walk on water.

With all that said, I do have a certain bone to pick with my man. He is known as "Mr. Cool" but it's starting to seem like, and I think the leaders of the Republican Party might agree with me, that this guy is lacking some cojones. Yea I said it. I don't think Obama flexes hard enough on these misinformed, discreetly (and sometimes overtly) racist, disrespectful, and loud-mouthed pundits and peers. I don't think he's aggressive enough on healthcare. I think he should've went to Congress months ago. He should do more campaigning to the people about his plan and how he plans to pay for it. With all these Glenn Becks and Joe Wilsons twisting facts and spreading downright lies to galvanize their predominantly white, racist, uninformed base, I don't think Obama has taken enough steps to contend with them and thereby galvanize the 52.9% of the US population that voted for him. We can all concede that Obama delivers fantastic speeches, but it would seem to me that all these bi-partisan efforts of his are only polarizing the legislative branch more. And besides, who cares? The reason Bush was able to get so much of his policies enacted is because he maximized the fact that his party controlled both the House and the Senate. I think Republican elected officials, for the most part, have made it abundantly clear that they aren't going to support the President in any way, so why is he still pandering to them? It only makes him and his party look weak and emboldens Republicans (ie Joe Wilson) to push him further into the corner.

Teddy Roosevelt said "Speak softly and carry a big stick." President Obama speaks softly alright, but when are we going to see him start swinging the stick?

Secret Life of E

I was bored tonight (if you can't tell by the repeat blog) so I decided to finally watch "The Secret Life of Bees" starring Dakota Fanning, Queen Latifah, Alicia Keys, and Jennifer Hudson. Yea I know. Grade A chick flick. But you know, a lot of them aren't bad, but I still refuse to ever watch "Waiting to Exhale" with a black woman again (long story). Anyways, the movie is about a white girl and her nanny, who run away from home and end up staying with 3 sisters who own a honey making business. Overall, the movie was enjoyable, but the purpose of this blog is a certain part of the movie. In the end of the movie (not a spoiler) the white girl makes a comment where she says she has "more mothers than anyone" or something like that. Basically she was remarking on how blessed she was that she had so many older women who cared about her around her.

This made me think about how similar my situation was to the girl's. I was in need of a place to stay, and some brothers let me in with open arms. Now I feel like I have more fathers than anyone. I work with these guys and can more than hold my own when it comes to business, but it is really a blessing to have grown a$$ men (as much as I hate to admit, I am not fully one...yet) to educate me about LIFE. This is something that I, like the majority of black youth, missed by being raised by a single mother. I have gotten the opportunity to learn and ask about things that I know I could have used through much of my youth. I remember watching Baron Davis's movie "Made In America: Crips and Bloods" and T.Rodgers, the founder of the Black P Stones (Bloods) said, "My mother couldn't teach me how to be a man, I had to figure that out myself. I didn't become a man until I was 35 years old." What struck me was that he was who he was, saying something like that. Being young black men, and especially in a single parent household, we all try to be "men" and do "man" things, like taking out the trash, or bringing money home. But we only do that because that's what the tv tells us that men should do. Too many of us lack positive male role models to stop us when we go wayward, to say, "I went through that so you don't have to." Lord knows how much I wanted that when I was young, looking for someone I could talk to about "man things", but indeed the Lord has a plan for all of us and He's said it's my time to learn how to be a man. It might be a helluva lot later than I would have liked, but hey, at least I ain't 35 :)

Thinking Man's Moment

A couple of the homies were talking about women and how they do wrong and how we do wrong to them. It started with my lil homie talkin about how he just broke up with his girl (she was only his second girlfriend, and was his longest) and how he had seen her after he broke up with her and the feelings were still there and how he was gonna move on, yada yada yada. Anyways, we all concluded, that with how important she was, he's never going to really be able to completely lose his feelings for her, but what he has to do is be able to learn from the experience and continue to grow. After we had the conversation, my man was like, "Yo E, that goes for you too...You need to go out more...cuz you have a lot to offer.."

When he said that, I kinda paused because this conversation wasn't even about me, but it got brought around to me. And being this was coming from somebody I respect, I took it.

I agreed that I need to get out more, but I've kinda been really relaxing from the social scene for a reason. Reason 1 is I haven't gotten over my ex yet, and am not sure if I ever want to. But reason 2 is that I feel like I'm still in the process of self-examination. In these last couple of months, I've learned a LOT about myself and definitely took some major steps in matching my self-perception with my public perception. I feel like I'm still figuring out what I have to offer because I'm realizing that I'm much more than I thought I was (young, black, and degreed) and I'm learning to harness that. I'm becoming much more comfortable with myself, without having to disparage others. Learning how to be confident but not cocky. Smart but not a smarta$$. While I haven't completely turned all those things around in a few months, there is an immense power in being truly aware of your deficiencies. I don't want to go too far off on a tangent, but I think I will have to make more of an effort to get out of the house and meet new people. Even if not to get a new girl, but to share with others what I have to offer. That's what God put us all on this Earth to do right?

ADD Blog

- My new favorite show on TV (of the few I watch anyways) is "How'd You Get So Rich?" on VH1 and TVLand. I get inspired by watching people who didn't play basketball or make music show off their ridiculous houses, cars, etc. I don't think the tv makes enough effort to let people know A)How much money is REALLY out there, and B)Most millionaires made their money with their MINDS.

- I, like about 5 million other people, downloaded Jay-Z's new Blueprint 3. Dude went in like he always does, but this is coming from someone who believes Jay is the best ever. Favorite tracks are "Thank You", "A Star is Born feat. J. Cole", and "Young Forever feat. Mr. Hudson". Is it just me or is Jay swaggerjackin Kanye again? Kanye had a record wit Coldplay. Jay had a record wit Coldplay. Kanye had a record wit Mr. Hudson. Jay has a record wit Mr. Hudson. (things that make you go hmmmmm...)

- I really, really, REALLY didn't wanna run today, but I dragged my a$$ outta the house and went ahead and did it. I didn't regret it. I'm of the opinion that discipline over body translates into discipline over other things in one's life. And it helps that you look good naked too right?

- Again, I, like about 4 million other people, listened to Drake's "Forever feat. Lil Wayne, Kanye West, and Eminem". Most people say Eminem kilt it, but I think that Drake went the hardest. He just sounded more "hungry" than everyone else to me. Plus, I'm not really a fan of fast-rapping Em. Em was second-best tho. Also, I'm pleasantly surprised by the new material that I'm hearing from Drake. With his buzz at "Obama might run for the White House" status, I was assuming that the only way he could go was down. He's seemed to do the smart thing and stay his a$$ in the studio and insulate himself from the hype. Can't wait for his album.

- I revamped my resume today and I think it looks damn good! I've got a career-planning specialist reviewing it, and I'm thinking she'll give me the thumbs up!

- My second favorite show on TV is(was) the T.O. Show. The show did a great job of showing us "Terrell" as opposed to "T.O.", whom we all knew. But I did want to get a little more background on how in the hell he met Mo and Kita. Where in God's name did they come from? I think it's amazing that with all their diva antics and seeming "control" over T.O.'s life, the public has never seen or heard of them before.

- Listened to Trey Songz's new album "Ready" again today. Thought it was so-so the first time, but gave it a second chance and didn't regret it. Quality music. Favorite tracks "Does He Do It" and "Say Aaaah feat. Fabolous". Maybe this will be Trey's album that takes him from "consistent gold-seller" to "consistent platinum-seller".

- A few of these folks in the music industry are so very lucky I don't have a buddy pass. I swear I be havin the mind to hop on a plane and come see these foos. From sending me to voicemail when I'm callin about money YOU owe ME, to talkin gangsta on the phone, I swear some of these people don't wanna see me in person. I ain't Deebo, but I ain't Smokey neither. Respect it.

Thinking Man's Moment

Meditate on this...

“Men fail much oftener from want of perseverance than from want of talent”

- William Cobbett

Just A Thought

"If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I think a lot of people, including myself, need to use this quote as their daily mantra. A lot of us struggle with self-acceptance. Me personally, I have always had this image of who I want to be. I've always been so fixed on that image and my pursuit of it, I've never appreciated who I am, and the small successes I achieve, along the journey. I believe that God has a plan for me and everybody else, but sometimes I do question if my steps are indeed ordered. What I am learning to do is appreciate my deficiencies as much as my attributes. I know that I am honestly working to overcome my faults, some more easily than others, but I relish the journey as much as the destination. If I truly, truly believe in God's plan for me, then I must praise Him for not only the direction He has pointed me in, but the struggles that he has me endure. Thank you God for what you have done for me yesterday, what you are doing for me today, and what you are going to do for me tomorrow.

Funny Thought

I find it sort of funny when loud a$$ people say to me, "You don't talk much huh..."










...shut the f#@k up and I might say sumthin!