Independence

Been a minute...I've been workin...A LOT...feel like there is always something that needs/has to be done, including now, but I feel like just venting in some way right now...

For the past 8 months or so, I've been living with one of my homies. When I broke up with my ex, I was pretty much homeless so I he allowed me to move in with him. In the past it was easy to deal with it because I had no other options at the time. Now that I've been working for a couple of months, I make more than enough money to move out and get my own place. He and I had a discussion about it and I told him the reason I hadn't seriously considered moving was because I didn't want to be the type to use people. I did that before and I refuse to be that person anymore. I didn't want to get a job, then all of a sudden leave, not doing anything to show my appreciation (a la helping out with bills or paying a portion of rent, etc.). He told me that if it would be better for me to have my own space, then he would have no problem with me making that move. That was Monday. So for the last couple days I have been thinking about moving. While I'm okay with having a roommate, one thing I have learned in this time living with him is that I absolutely cherish my own space. I have learned that my whole attitude can darken when I feel like I don't have my own space to just sit and do nothing by myself for a time, to the point where everybody I'm around feels my "leave me the f#@k alone" vibe. I talked to a few coworkers and they told me about a place where they live that has relatively good prices with a lotta space so I'm goin to go check it out this weekend. I'm still wondering if I want to take on the responsibility of my own place right now, because one side of me is considering the possibility of going to law school in another state, but I don't know...Like I said...I just wanted to vent...

New Year Updates

This New Year has started off pretty well...updates:

- I'm no longer working the PM shift (2pm-8pm) at work. I'm now working the AM shift (7am-2pm). Some ppl can't get up in the morning but I have no problem getting up when there's some money to be made! AM shift means more money for ya boy so I goin 1000 at 5am.

- Went to see some family back home but didn't get to see my little brothers. I was disappointed because besides my mother, they're really the only reason I bother going back. I stopped by their house, but they weren't home. Plus they don't have a house/cell phone to contact them, so I guess I have to get back to writing letters so we can communicate....hmpf...might have to invest in some kinda prepaid phone for them or sumthin..

- Got into contact with my ex over the new years because now that I'm making some very decent money, I'm in a position where I can help her in the way that she helped me when I was without. For those that are wondering, this is no hidden agenda attempt to rekindle the flame or make her dependent upon me. This is only an attempt to repay what was given to me with no strings. It is now my turn to do the same. And honestly, I am grateful for the opportunity...

- I recently got a gym membership (too d@mn cold to be workin out in the garage at the house) and had a free session with a personal trainer today. The session went great and I think I might have to make that investment in myself and enroll in their steep a$$ personal training program. I have the drive, and this guy (the personal trainer) has the knowledge to help me reach my fitness goals. SIGN ME UP!!!

- I've been placing my law school applications lower on my priority list for reasons I cannot in my right mind justify. For some reason, I have a tremendous fear of rejection from any of the law schools I apply to. I can't really explain it, but for some reason, negative thoughts permeate my mind whenever I think about the law school application process. It is a problem that I'm going to have to be willing to face head on sooner rather than later. My future happiness depends on it.

- I really REALLY need to invest in a couple tins of Carmex. For the past week, I've been at work lookin like LL Cool J lickin my d@mn lips every ten seconds, even while I'm talkin to customers. This old white lady must have thought I was comin onto her, because she said, "I know why they hired you...cuz you're a CUTIE!" [awkward silence] Uh, thanks Methuselah....


That is all! (I think....)

Keep it 1000

A couple of the homies from work were havin a conversation about dating etiquette and the homie said if a chick eats more than him at any time during initial courtship, she's automatically off the list. Most of us immediately called him an uppity negro, who can't handle a woman who keeps it 1000, but then I took a second to think about it....

I took this one chick to the movies and when we passed by the concession stand, in true gentlemanly fashion, I asked her if she would like anything. She proceeded to make a beeline for the register ordering a large popcorn and a drink. THEN she asked if I wanted anything and I just ordered some milk duds (I think). Anyways, while we were in the movie, I remembered watchin her out of the side of my eye eating that big a$$ popcorn and washin it down wit that big a$$ drink. Granted, I already have a not so mild irritation about me hearing the sound of people chew and drink (for some reason it's like nails on a chalkboard for me), but it was made worse when I looked at my little box of candy next to her bucket of d@mn popcorn. Then, this vacuum asked me for some of my candy. Needless to say, her a$$ was crossed off as soon as I got in the car to go home.

Now, I would assume that this double standard would remedy itself the more a man falls in love with a woman, but even then, I don't think I could handle my chick eating more than me consistently, unless of course she was some bodybuilding chick, in which case we wouldn't even be dating in the first place...

Random I know...but build a bridge ni@@a...u already read it :)

Random Shit

- Today reminded me why I HATE goin to the dmv. I woke up around 730am to go get my license reinstated (praise jesus) and was kindly greeted by the slowest customer service EVER. They announced that they were "transitioning" to a new system and today (of all days) was the first day they would go "live". Being that I was one of the first people in line, I was one of the test tube babies for this "new system". Whatever system it was, it failed monumentally today because, 3 hours later, I still didn't have my license, and then they announced that they would return to the "old system" so they could get people processed. Once again, THAT'S why I hate the dmv.

- Went and saw that Twilight: New Moon movie. Don't know if it was just me, but I felt infinitely more lame watching this movie than I did watching the first one. It seemed that they were just a tad (sarcasm) more aggressive about tailoring the movie to prepubescent girls. Why were werewolves forced to run around shirtless with George Michael cutoff jean shorts on? And why were Edward's lines ALL cheesy romance crap like "Just you breathing is a gift" and "I can't see myself living in a world in which you don't exist"....When I left the theater I had to check my pants to make sure my manhood was still there.

- Biggie said the realest sh*t ever when he said "mo money, mo problems". I feel like I work now just to spend my check. When I was dead a$$ broke and jobless, all I worried about was working out and looking for a job telling myself, "the only bill you really have is your phone bill..." I'm a lyin sack o you know what for tellin myself that tale. Seems like everybody wants my money now. I looked at what I had gotten paid since I started and said "what the F#@K was I spending my money on?" BILLS. And moochin a$$ negroes who look for me to support their joblessness. THAT'S what.

- The homie juz got the new Blackberry Bold 2 and let me play with it for a second...I think I'm in luv...

- Someway somehow...I contracted pink eye. I had heard of it before yesterday, but for some reason I thought that was only a white people problem. God has decided to obliterate that myth by using me as the example...

- My aunt randomly called me today, saying that she had thought about me and wanted to invite me over to her house because she was going to have a get together for my cousin's bday next week. I found this weird because her and my uncle (my mom's brother) broke up a while ago. Also weird because I had always noticed my aunt randomly looking at me when I would come over for holiday dinner with her and my uncle. Ever since I came out here for college. She creeps me out...

- Got a little ego boost the other day when the wife of a VERY prominent music man came on to me in a not so subtle manner. And this isn't me bullsh*ttin because I have witnesses. What can I say? Ya boy's so handsome :)

ADD Blog

- I went to work today and didn't find out until AFTER my shift that I was supposed to be OFF today...my manager said, "Look at it this way...Your check is going to be a little bit fatter next week!" I told him to bring his a$$ in on his next day off and let me tell him that ol' "turn lemons to lemonade" bullsh*t". Das wack. Ain't no way to sugarcoat that.

- I got an email from my ex today saying simply that she forgave me for cheating on her. We haven't had any communication in about 6 or 7 months. Honestly, it made my day a lil bit...deep sh*t rite?

- Had a funny discussion with my mom on the phone tonight. She was suggesting (telling) to me that I needed to handle a situation a certain way. I argued that she was stating her opinion as fact. She went further to say that the way she would do it is the right way to handle it. I said how could she know if she had never been in the same situation that I am currently in? She went on to give the lame "mother knows best" trump card they all use. I then told her that I realized where I got that tendency from. I too would state my opinion as fact. My sister had always told both me and my mom about ourselves on many occasions, but today for some reason it hit me. We both had a good laugh about it...

- It has seemed like every day for the last week or so, I have signed up or ran into an attorney at the airport. I'm a believer that God gives us signs, and it's up to us to perceive them. I'm thinking that those "coincidences" aren't that "coincidental"....

- True story; me and the homies were having an argument last night at the crib about the music industry (like we always do) and an episode of "Desparate Housewives" was on. There was some scene where one of the girls was cheating on her husband or something and she was about to get caught, but her friend saved her. Tell me why somehow, in the middle of our conversation we all shut up at the same time and watched that whole scene in silence for a good 10 or 15 minutes. That's how you know you got a tv show. We represented in no way the target audience, but our black a$$es where sittin there in silence watchin this chick hide her jumpoff outside her bedroom window on the roof while she lied to her husband. We came out of it when my man was like, "Wait, wtf were we talkin about?" Hilarious.

But "so and so" did the same thing....

Imagine this. You and five of your friends come up with a plot to jack some candy from the convenience store down the street from school. One of you actually buys something while you guys act like you're looking while filling up your pockets with everything you can get a five finger discount on. Suppose that while you were all walking out, door open, seconds away from freedom, a pack of Starburst falls out of one of your friend's pockets. Everyone is gone out of the parking lot, but one of you is left behind. Well I was that guy that got left behind.

All of my life, I've always been THAT GUY that got caught. If 50 people did the same thing, I was the 51st guy that got busted. I wouldn't say I was a Bebe's kid, but I was your typical bad a$$ kid coming up. I did more than my fair share of things that, in retrospect, were INCREDIBLY dumb, but for some reason I always faced the consequences. My bad actions always met an opposing and equal reaction. I used to be a klepto when I was a kid. I always got caught stealing. In 7th grade, I changed a grade on my report card. BUSTED. In high school, on senior ditch day, who got busted? YA BOY. Had people over when my mom was at work. BUSTED. Drove with no insurance. BUSTED. Suspended license? BUSTED. I cheated on a girl. Busted for that too. The other day at work, I cut a corner with a customer...you guessed it...BUSTED.

I told my mom that I swear I've always had the worst luck of anyone I knew. We talked about how as far back as I can remember, I never got away with the same things my friends could get away with in their sleep. We had a good laugh at some of the stupid I drowned myself in coming up, but she dropped a jewel on my (like she always does). She said that God has His hand on some of us. Not implying that we all aren't God's children, but there seems to be some of us that God holds to a different standard. Like how in Boyz N Da Hood, Trey got outta the car when Doughboy went looking for Ricky's killer, God has a different plan for some of us, so he leads us in a different direction.

If I haven't learned anything in my life, I know there is a fine line between where I am today, and being young, black, and in jail or dead. I can look back to situations in my life where the outcome could have been completely different had God not have been watching over me.

For much of my life, even now, I have been frustrated by God's plan to keep me on the straight and narrow, but at the very same time, I am extremely grateful for God's grace. I am by no means perfect, and will never be, but it is good to know that whenever I get close to the edge, God always pulls me back.

Cheaters

At my job, I've noticed that most of the guys that work there are married with children. And from what it seems, happily married. Working at the airport, you see beautiful women all over the place. Hartsfield is the busiest airport in the world, so as you can expect, beautiful people from all over the country fly through daily. What I can't understand is virtually all of the married men are so openly "thirsty" after other women. Telling me how to get numbers without appearing to be flirting and the like. I make an effort to not venture to assume anything about the status of their marriages, but I do question how you are bold enough to "holla" with a wedding ring on.

While I was in college, my ex and I wore something akin to promise rings on our wedding fingers (I had discussed to her a friend of mine that was doing that and she suggested we do the same...long story short). Me personally, I felt that the ring was a constant reminder of her. We were dating long distance at the time, and I kind of felt like Frodo from Lord of the Rings, when I put the ring on she was watching me. Needless to say, there was no cheating during that time (could have also been to us still being in the somewhat honeymoon period, but that's neither here nor there).

Let me qualify by saying that I have cheated in the past. But I won't go as far as saying that I am a cheater (I believed I addressed this in an earlier blog). But one thing that I know I will not do is cheat on my wife. I've had this conversation with a few friends of mine who also agree that they will not cheat on their wife. Most of the thinking behind this I've found is based on the idea that marriage is a vow before God, thus it is placed on a higher pedestal than dating someone (most men do value marriage more than women think they do btw).

Now I've heard the "once a cheater, always a cheater" and "you can't teach an old dog new tricks", but I disagree with the premise that people don't change. I agree that you can't change people, but that doesn't mean that they cannot change themselves. In fact, I believe people are in a perpetual state of change. When you fail to change, you begin to die. I also believe anyone can change anything they want to about themselves, with hard work, determination, and God.

I haven't discussed this much with women, so I don't know if they judge a difference between say, dating someone for 2-3 years, and marrying them, but I will say that for most men, at least the ones that I know, there is a HUGE difference.

ADD Blog

- Obama does NOT deserve the Nobel Peace Prize...how's YOUR healthcare looking?

- I went to Sonic for the first time Friday and let my inner fat boy out. It was ugly. I won't give the details. Just know that if I plan on keeping my current weight (183lbs), I won't be takin my black a$$ there again anytime soon.

- I had my first "I think I'm getting old" moment Friday night. One of the lil homies had his 20 birthday party at his crib and I stopped through to give him my blessing. After about 20 mins, I noticed the room full of skinny jeans and extremely too loud talking and said to myself "Wtf am I doin here?!" I exited stage left promptly.

- We've all heard of the pretty women problem of thirsty negroes tryin to holla while they're shoppin at wal-mart/target. What we haven't heard enough of is the handsome negro problem of thirsty females tryin to make eye contact while you shoppin at wal-mart/target tryin to get you to holla at them. It's called esteem of SELF simpleb#@ch...

- Note to women...if that ain't yo man...he's DEFINITELY gonna show those pictures and/or videos of yo butt booty naked a$$ to ALL of the homies...you know it. He knows it. Stop actin so d@mn green...

- I realized yet again how much a dude will change about himself if he really likes a girl watchin one of the homies fall in love (AGAIN). It's absolutely amazing how a special woman can change a man. I know me personally, I'd much rather take a dinner and a movie than a night out at the club any day (If I like ya)....I'd prefer a day chillin at the crib with movie rentals, fattening food, and moscato over dinner and a movie or a night out at the club any day (If I REALLY like ya)...

- These last few months of the year are going to be good...I can feel it!

The Wrap Up

Haven't posted in a few days, so just gonna bounce around to sum up the last couple days...

- Got a call from an old homie from college. It was great to catch up and talk about how things are going with each other. Oddly enough, we got closer after college. We're just on the same page about a lot of things in our lives, and it was great to hear about him a semester away from finishing law school. He doesn't know it, but I admire him in a way.

- My sister and I have communicated in some way or form (via phone or text) for the last week and a half. We haven't talked this much since high school and I LOVE IT. I had called her a couple months ago and just apologized to her for not fulfilling my end as her brother and promised to put more effort in letting her know that I care for her and have her back whenever she needs me. It feels good to see how that is paying off for both of us.

- My feelings were kind of hurt this week by an artist I work with, that made a comment to me on the phone, that let me know that he doesn't really appreciate what I do for him. Among other things, I gave this broke a$$ negro one of my double waffles at Waffle House the other day. For those that know me, I've never been too giving with my food, to say the least. And I WANTED that d@mn double waffle too! I've decided to distance myself for a bit and keep our relationship more "business".

- I got a position working one day a week in the law offices of a prominent judge and entertainment lawyer. I'm EXCITED!!!

- Today was Communion Sunday at church and the sermon was about "Re-commitment". The pastor asked if there was one aspect of your life that you could do again, which one would it be? My mind quickly created a laundry list. But the more I prayed on it, I knew that most of it was directly related to my steps away from the church. In my constant hustling, I stopped going to church and my life lost a lot of its direction. I'm in no way a bible-thumper or the most religious guy you would know, but I do understand the spiritual "food" that church gives me. With that, I've decided to "re-commit" myself to regular church attendance. Another step in the right direction.

- It's cold outside. Time to pull out the fall clothes.

- To be honest. Obama is disappointing me a little bit. He's sinking into what I was afraid of, doing so many things that nothing gets done. Healthcare no. Immigration no. Afghanistan no. Promise of a "New Washington" no. The list can go on and on.

- I need a really good book. I've been reading nerdy stuff (legal history, american history, biographical) lately. I need something that just has a good story.