Cheaters

At my job, I've noticed that most of the guys that work there are married with children. And from what it seems, happily married. Working at the airport, you see beautiful women all over the place. Hartsfield is the busiest airport in the world, so as you can expect, beautiful people from all over the country fly through daily. What I can't understand is virtually all of the married men are so openly "thirsty" after other women. Telling me how to get numbers without appearing to be flirting and the like. I make an effort to not venture to assume anything about the status of their marriages, but I do question how you are bold enough to "holla" with a wedding ring on.

While I was in college, my ex and I wore something akin to promise rings on our wedding fingers (I had discussed to her a friend of mine that was doing that and she suggested we do the same...long story short). Me personally, I felt that the ring was a constant reminder of her. We were dating long distance at the time, and I kind of felt like Frodo from Lord of the Rings, when I put the ring on she was watching me. Needless to say, there was no cheating during that time (could have also been to us still being in the somewhat honeymoon period, but that's neither here nor there).

Let me qualify by saying that I have cheated in the past. But I won't go as far as saying that I am a cheater (I believed I addressed this in an earlier blog). But one thing that I know I will not do is cheat on my wife. I've had this conversation with a few friends of mine who also agree that they will not cheat on their wife. Most of the thinking behind this I've found is based on the idea that marriage is a vow before God, thus it is placed on a higher pedestal than dating someone (most men do value marriage more than women think they do btw).

Now I've heard the "once a cheater, always a cheater" and "you can't teach an old dog new tricks", but I disagree with the premise that people don't change. I agree that you can't change people, but that doesn't mean that they cannot change themselves. In fact, I believe people are in a perpetual state of change. When you fail to change, you begin to die. I also believe anyone can change anything they want to about themselves, with hard work, determination, and God.

I haven't discussed this much with women, so I don't know if they judge a difference between say, dating someone for 2-3 years, and marrying them, but I will say that for most men, at least the ones that I know, there is a HUGE difference.

Me vs. Women

My current track record with women is, less than stellar, to use an appropriate euphemism. It's not that I attract less than stellar women. Not to thump my chest and say my game is so crazy, but I can honestly say that every women I've dated has been pretty stable. The problem has typically been me. The fact that I'm such an enigma, even to myself at times, creates so many problems for me in relationships despite my best intentions. A little over two months ago, I ended an on and off again 7 year relationship. I say I because I was the one that caused it to be ended. I had a physical and emotional affair with another woman, even finding out that I had impregnated the "other woman" (The baby was quickly aborted. Don't ask me how I feel about it, I don't know). I think about it everyday, replaying when I got caught, how I got caught, how I handled being caught, the hurt I caused to both of the women involved, the shoulda, woulda, coulda's. At the end of the day, I am where I am because of my actions alone, so alone is how I am. The thing that really vexes me is the one I cheated on was the woman that I cared about the most in this world, outside of my mother (which makes my actions even more perplexing, I know). We had many ups and downs over the course of our relationship, but I had always thought that no matter what, in the end, we would end up with the white picket fence, couple kids, and a dog. For the very first time in my life, I am beginning to truly question how my life is going to end up. Whatever I've gone through or done wrong in my life, a part of me always said in the back of my mind, "Don't worry too much, it's going to be alright." Now I'm not so sure. I'm in an emotional space I've never been in before and to be honest, it's scary. Again, somebody pray for me.

I've decided to compose a "soundtrack" to how I've been feeling lately...

Break Up - Mario featuring Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett

By Any Means - Joe

Love Of My Life - Case

Missing You - Case

Last Chance - Ginuwine

Missin You - Trey Songz

WHOS LOVIN YOU - JACKSON 5 - JACKSON 5

There you have it...emotional rollercoaster....But you live and (hopefully) you learn, and I know I NEVER want to feel like this again...Clarence Darrow said, "Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself..."...Time to buy some track shoes...