Me vs. Women

My current track record with women is, less than stellar, to use an appropriate euphemism. It's not that I attract less than stellar women. Not to thump my chest and say my game is so crazy, but I can honestly say that every women I've dated has been pretty stable. The problem has typically been me. The fact that I'm such an enigma, even to myself at times, creates so many problems for me in relationships despite my best intentions. A little over two months ago, I ended an on and off again 7 year relationship. I say I because I was the one that caused it to be ended. I had a physical and emotional affair with another woman, even finding out that I had impregnated the "other woman" (The baby was quickly aborted. Don't ask me how I feel about it, I don't know). I think about it everyday, replaying when I got caught, how I got caught, how I handled being caught, the hurt I caused to both of the women involved, the shoulda, woulda, coulda's. At the end of the day, I am where I am because of my actions alone, so alone is how I am. The thing that really vexes me is the one I cheated on was the woman that I cared about the most in this world, outside of my mother (which makes my actions even more perplexing, I know). We had many ups and downs over the course of our relationship, but I had always thought that no matter what, in the end, we would end up with the white picket fence, couple kids, and a dog. For the very first time in my life, I am beginning to truly question how my life is going to end up. Whatever I've gone through or done wrong in my life, a part of me always said in the back of my mind, "Don't worry too much, it's going to be alright." Now I'm not so sure. I'm in an emotional space I've never been in before and to be honest, it's scary. Again, somebody pray for me.

I've decided to compose a "soundtrack" to how I've been feeling lately...

Break Up - Mario featuring Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett

By Any Means - Joe

Love Of My Life - Case

Missing You - Case

Last Chance - Ginuwine

Missin You - Trey Songz

WHOS LOVIN YOU - JACKSON 5 - JACKSON 5

There you have it...emotional rollercoaster....But you live and (hopefully) you learn, and I know I NEVER want to feel like this again...Clarence Darrow said, "Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself..."...Time to buy some track shoes...

Music: The Universal Language

Today I went with my mom to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. Now I usually pride myself on the diversity of my musical tastes, but they had an exhibit for Bruce Springsteen and I just couldn't get into it. Now I appreciate songs like "Born in the USA", but I won't go as far to say that I am a fan of "The Boss". And while I do appreciate the greatness of The Rolling Stones and The Beatles, I just wasn't too interested in different wardrobes Mick Jagger wore while on tour in 1872 (a joke people) or a piano John Lennon played on (God bless the dead). I was feeling a little "left out" until I came upon a small section dedicated to Hip-Hop's place in music history. While I understand that Hip-Hop as a culture is still very very new, I was happy to see something that was familiar. It was funny to see some Air Forces that Jay-Z wore in the 90's in a museum exhibit, but they guy is a living legend whether you wanna admit it or not. I think the best part of the museum was a movie you can watch that goes through all of the inductees in the HOF and plays excerpts of their music. I got goosebumps watching Woodstock footage of Joni Mitchell and watching 9 year old Michael sing his heart out in front of the Jackson 5. That movie reminded me of the power of music. It is a virtual timestamp. It can transport you to specific times and places with only a few notes. It took me on an emotional roller coaster, enjoying the timeless music of Jefferson Airplane, but also lamenting at the circumstances of their untimely deaths. The video reminded me why so many people want to be in the industry and why, even in the situation I am in, I feel blessed to be a small part of "the industry". I absolutely love love love music.