Movie Manners

Today's blog was inspired by my trip to the movies to see Bourne Ultimatum (great movie by the way).

I decided to go to the movies today. Being that it was a movie I wanted to see, I arrived at the movie theater early to get a good seat. I was able to get prime movie seating, you know not too high, not too low, and dead in the center. Now, the closer to movie time, as can be expected, more and more people begin to flood the theater. As more and more people ask me, "Is anyone sitting here?" I begin to get irritated. First, why in this BIG A$$ theater are you deciding you want to sit RIGHT next to me? I don't care WHERE somebody is sitting, I operate in movie theaters like I do in the men's bathroom, NO doing your business next to someone unless there are extenuating circumstances (everywhere else is taken up). Then, if you wanted some quality seating, get your butt to the theater early like the smart people (like ME for example). Now I'm being polite and answering everyones' nerve racking questions until this ol' Santa Claus looking a$$ man comes waddling up to me. Now the worst part is that I saw this coming. Most people notice when someone walks into the theater, and when they see said person look at the seating, the little person in their head says "I REALLY hope this foo doesn't wanna come sit here." Well, I had the same feeling, but then that little person said "DAMN" when I realized indeed, he was penguin waddling his geriatric anus up to my row. So after about 20 mins (in my mind) he finally gets to me and asks if someone is sitting here. I say no and then he proceeds to wave his ol' extra from the Golden Girls lookin a$$ wife to pop in some gingko and make the trip up to my row. Sidenote: Betty Ford (his wife) was previously unseen at the time of questioning, and as there was only one seat available next to me, I wondered what miracle Santa was planning for this Christmas day. Then when she gets up to my row after 30 mins (also in my mind), Santa Claus leans over and says, "Can you move over a couple seats so we can sit together? Unless you wanna sit next to an old man heh heh." Me being me, I look everywhere but at him because I couldn't believe this ninja (I understand Santa is not a ninja, but that doesn't mean that Santa is incapable of engaging in what we black people consider "ninja s#@t") asked me that, even going so far as to look at my neighbor on the other side of me wit the "he can't be serious" face. My obvious contempt for his question prompted Santa to say, "Never mind, I'm sorry because I understand how difficult it would be for a young person like you to move." Now, I ain't in MENSA, but I know when somebody tryin to be a smart-a$$. My first thought was to display to Santa how real ninjas react to "ninja s$#t", but I thought the better of it. I simply grabbed my soda, took a long sip, and put my feet up on the seat in front of me, all while lookin Santa old a$$ dead in his grill. Santa promptly exited stage right and that was that.

Another example of "ninja s#@t" occurred a couple of months ago during a movie. I was watching some movie and, per usual when there a lot of ninjas around, especially young ninjas, a cell phone went off. Now it happened to be the phone of the guy sitting right next to me. Now I expected the man to pull out his phone and press the silent button, but ooooooohhhh noooooo....THIS ninja picks UP the d#@n phone like he in the house on the couch and proceeds to have a full blown conversation. Now I, as did everyone else in the immediate area, thought that this might be important, but he would keep it brief as a courtesy. OOOOOHHHH NOOOOO....THIS ninja keeps talking like he the president. After realizing that this negro has no regards for the fact that he's in a movie theater, I decide there is only one thing I can do. Fight fire with fire. I decide to lean over to him and ask him loudly, "THIS MOVIE IS GREAT HUH? HOW DO YOU LIKE THE ACTING?" Apparently coming out of presidential mode, said ninja tells the caller he's in the movies and will call he/she back later.

Now what I want to know is what is the deal with movie manners in Atlanta? Now I know in Los Angeles, everyone pretty much knows the deal, unless you going to a Magic Johnson theater, in which case, you just gonna have to deal wit Ray Ray an 'em laughing and crying in the theater, OUT LOUD. But here in Atlanta, it doesn't matter which theater you go to, from Buckhead to Bankhead, Regal to Magic Johson, negroes and white folks alike, all engage in "ninja s#@t" at the movies.

Maybe they should just put up Movie Commandments outside of each theater to let these folks know, because I really don't want to have to start saying, "I'll wait till it comes out on DVD."