So I call myself going to the mall to buy a new shirt the other day. Now what I really wanted was a Lacoste polo, preferably Carolina blue. I'm heading back into town from Lithonia so I tell myself I'll stop at South Dekalb Mall and pick up one. I head for the Macy's first. I look around the entire men's department. NO POLOS. Sean John? Check. Rocafella? Check. Enyce? Check. Now those brands I expected, but Izod? Check. After being dumbfounded at Macy's, my inner optimist says maybe they'll have it at another store. I proceed to enter into every single men's clothing store in the entire South Dekalb Mall. NO POLOS. After about the 3rd store, I decide to shift my focus to tshirts. As you can guess South Dekalb Mall is a full service mall for ATL trap ni#@as. From Miskeen to spray paint to personalized R.I.P shirts, South Dekalb can have any certified hood star dressed in the finest dope boy gear in any assortment of colors.
Now as I'm noticing that my mission is failing miserably, I ask myself, "Am I that out of style?" I'd like to think I have some sense of style. But I just couldn't figure out why anyone would want to wear a tshirt with sleeves that only go halfway down your bicep. I also couldn't understand what is the obsession with skulls and snakes. It seems like that's the logo for 20 different clothing lines. And call me crazy, but I like to match my shoes with my attire. Now because I like to do that, I will never be able to purchase half the shirts at the mall because they have 25 different colors on one shirt. I remember a time when men only saw in primary colors, but nowadays it seems "hood" to rock fuschia and neon yellow. And it's not like anyone makes fuschia and neon yellow shoes so how do you coordinate? Custom shoes for every shirt? Do what you do, but that seems kinda corny to me.
Anyways, I say all that to say, why isn't there a place where I can purchase clothes for every facet of me? Sometimes ya boy wants to wear Lacoste. Sometimes I want to wear a white tee. Sometimes I want to wear some Famous Stars and Straps. Why do I have to go to different places to dress the "Jeezy" and "Poitier" in me?
Isn't that part of the beauty of our people to take any attire and make it our own?
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Sign of the Apocalypse
I saw a 12 year old rapper named Lil' D perform a song called "Skeet 'Em Down" at the Sweet Auburn Festival...
Sunday, September 23, 2007
HATERS
Let's just talk about haters for a second. Haters are everywhere. They may be your friends. They may be your family. They come in many different sizes, shapes, and genders.
With that being said, let me get into what I, so creatively I might add, call "hater logic". Haters justify their existence by saying things like, "Hey, I'm just being honest" or "I'm saying this as a friend". They use this "hater logic" because to them, and to the untrained mind, it makes sense. Certainly there are some honest people who are wrongfully called haters. But to truly identify someone as a hater, one must take into account the amount of so called "honest opinions" a hater may offer. If you spend an evening with a hater, take a note of how many comments are being made with negative connotations or insinuations within them. A hater will give a preponderance of "honest opinions" that always seem to be demeaning or belittling to someone around them. It's a fine line between cracking a joke and disseminating your hate, so hater detectors beware.
The advanced hater will also use subtle phrases to "soften" the hate such as "This is just my opinion" and "No disrespect, but". These phrases are meant to help the hater bypass your personal "anti-hater comment" security checkpoint. But the professional hater detector understands that putting a glove on my hand doesn't mean I can't still knock yo mutha f#@kin a$$ out ya dig?
Note to those amateurs who want to use this information to graduate to professional levels of hater detection. Once a hater is discovered, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT tell a hater that he/she is a hater. Much like trying to tell a smartass they don't know everything or attempting to convince a sididdy chick she really ain't that fine, this line of conversation only leads to mindnumbing frustration, more hateration spewed, and possibly, if you don't recognize the game, a plethora of "strong talk"(for those without the ability to deduce the meaning of self explanatory ebonics, aggressive and loud speaking).
When a hater is recognized, pull out your pen and pad, add them to the list, silently congratulate yourself on gaining yet another (or your first) hater, and keep it pushin. Though it may be difficult, you must "Dr. King" your haters and treat them with love and respect. That is unless they put they hands on ya.
With that being said, let me get into what I, so creatively I might add, call "hater logic". Haters justify their existence by saying things like, "Hey, I'm just being honest" or "I'm saying this as a friend". They use this "hater logic" because to them, and to the untrained mind, it makes sense. Certainly there are some honest people who are wrongfully called haters. But to truly identify someone as a hater, one must take into account the amount of so called "honest opinions" a hater may offer. If you spend an evening with a hater, take a note of how many comments are being made with negative connotations or insinuations within them. A hater will give a preponderance of "honest opinions" that always seem to be demeaning or belittling to someone around them. It's a fine line between cracking a joke and disseminating your hate, so hater detectors beware.
The advanced hater will also use subtle phrases to "soften" the hate such as "This is just my opinion" and "No disrespect, but". These phrases are meant to help the hater bypass your personal "anti-hater comment" security checkpoint. But the professional hater detector understands that putting a glove on my hand doesn't mean I can't still knock yo mutha f#@kin a$$ out ya dig?
Note to those amateurs who want to use this information to graduate to professional levels of hater detection. Once a hater is discovered, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT tell a hater that he/she is a hater. Much like trying to tell a smartass they don't know everything or attempting to convince a sididdy chick she really ain't that fine, this line of conversation only leads to mindnumbing frustration, more hateration spewed, and possibly, if you don't recognize the game, a plethora of "strong talk"(for those without the ability to deduce the meaning of self explanatory ebonics, aggressive and loud speaking).
When a hater is recognized, pull out your pen and pad, add them to the list, silently congratulate yourself on gaining yet another (or your first) hater, and keep it pushin. Though it may be difficult, you must "Dr. King" your haters and treat them with love and respect. That is unless they put they hands on ya.
Random
This one is for the fellas...
Me personally, I prefer to to use the bathroom at my own house. Not just when I want to sit on my porcelain throne, but also when I need to "no. 1". That being said....
Have you ever been out, at the club, or in a movie or sumthin, and...during a lull in the movie or in mental stimulation...you think to yourself, "Hey I think I might need to go to the bathroom." But then right after that thought occurs, mental stimulation comes right back and you forget about it. Well then when you are driving home, you're thinking, "DAMN, I gotta use the restroom." It's really not that serious until...as SOON as you bust in the door, your lil man goes haywire. It turns into a damn porcelain detector and it needs release. The closer you get to the toilet, the more pressure builds up....You end up doin a lil James Brown dance while you're messin with your zipper
On many occasions after a long night out, I can recall damn near pissing myself due to ignoring mother nature's signals...
Maybe it's only me...I know...random...
Me personally, I prefer to to use the bathroom at my own house. Not just when I want to sit on my porcelain throne, but also when I need to "no. 1". That being said....
Have you ever been out, at the club, or in a movie or sumthin, and...during a lull in the movie or in mental stimulation...you think to yourself, "Hey I think I might need to go to the bathroom." But then right after that thought occurs, mental stimulation comes right back and you forget about it. Well then when you are driving home, you're thinking, "DAMN, I gotta use the restroom." It's really not that serious until...as SOON as you bust in the door, your lil man goes haywire. It turns into a damn porcelain detector and it needs release. The closer you get to the toilet, the more pressure builds up....You end up doin a lil James Brown dance while you're messin with your zipper
On many occasions after a long night out, I can recall damn near pissing myself due to ignoring mother nature's signals...
Maybe it's only me...I know...random...
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Man-made Television
I just got the chance to finally watch Season 4 of the best show on television, HBO's The Wire (If you happen to disagree and you are male, I will be forced to pull out every straight black man's trump card and question your sexuality). I was waiting for it to get on dvd (you know ya homie ain't payin 25$ a month for ONE series). One of my coworkers told me that he had managed to TiVo all of season 4. To my delight, he also had put all of the episodes on disc and offered to bring it in. Of course, I accepted and after 2 damn near sleepless nights, I was able to finish Season 4. The next day I couldn't wait to get to work to talk about the show (lame, but true).
While we were discussing the greatness of the show (details of the show are withheld in case you've been in a coma or aliens snatched your tv) and also demeaning one of my male coworkers for having never watched the show (Re-runs on BET don't count), it occurred to me, we were talking like women do about soaps. What is really the difference between the way were loudly talking about who got shot, what ninja acted b$#ch-made, and whose a$$ we would beat on GP, and when females get to talking about what happened on the season finale of Girlfriends or Sex and the City? The only difference is foul language, guns, crackheads, and random molly whoppin.
BUT, there is a difference, MEN DON'T WATCH SOAPS. Soaps are predictable. You KNOW rich-a$$ Melissa is gonna take rich-a$$ Heather's man, causing Heather to come up with some stupendously stupid plan to kill Melissa, when her otherwise fine a$$ could just as easily get another man or pool boy or whatever. The only predictability in men's television is that SOMEBODY gon get they a$$ whooped. We KNOW Bubbs is gonna get the crack fumes beat out of his a$$ at least once a week. Everything else is up in the air.
Subtle difference? Maybe. Enough of a difference that I'll write about it? Clearly.
While we were discussing the greatness of the show (details of the show are withheld in case you've been in a coma or aliens snatched your tv) and also demeaning one of my male coworkers for having never watched the show (Re-runs on BET don't count), it occurred to me, we were talking like women do about soaps. What is really the difference between the way were loudly talking about who got shot, what ninja acted b$#ch-made, and whose a$$ we would beat on GP, and when females get to talking about what happened on the season finale of Girlfriends or Sex and the City? The only difference is foul language, guns, crackheads, and random molly whoppin.
BUT, there is a difference, MEN DON'T WATCH SOAPS. Soaps are predictable. You KNOW rich-a$$ Melissa is gonna take rich-a$$ Heather's man, causing Heather to come up with some stupendously stupid plan to kill Melissa, when her otherwise fine a$$ could just as easily get another man or pool boy or whatever. The only predictability in men's television is that SOMEBODY gon get they a$$ whooped. We KNOW Bubbs is gonna get the crack fumes beat out of his a$$ at least once a week. Everything else is up in the air.
Subtle difference? Maybe. Enough of a difference that I'll write about it? Clearly.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Your Favorite Rapper's Favorite Rapper
Now as some of you may or may not know, I am working for a local entertainment company. The company specializes in artist development and music consultation. Basically, we develop raw, unsigned talent into packaged, "sign"-able talent.
When clients sign up with us, we like to have a consultation scheduled with them ASAP to get all the music they have made so far, and to see where their head/heads is/are at in terms of work ethic and commitment to success.
Now one of the guys I work with, we'll call him Jared, who is also one of the lead consultants, likes to ask clients a series of general questions he uses to gauge their commitment to music/work ethic. One of the first questions he likes to ask is "Who is your favorite rapper?" (Sidenote: Our clients are primarily hip hop acts.) Every client is quick to name rappers that they think are hot or that they want to be like. The names are pretty standard as well (Jay, Weezy, Outkast, T.I., Diddy believe it or not, Nas, to name a few that we hear). Jared likes to then follow up with, "Okay. Give me a verse from one of's songs." What is surprising, and deeply disturbing at the same time, is that 95% of the clients that come in CANNOT recite a SINGLE verse of their favorite rapper's music. One that deeply hurt me, was when one of our clients, who is in a rap group from Memphis, who also claims that he's from Cali (who says they're from "Cali"? Can I get a city? A county? Cali is BIG, you bobblehead ninja!) was asked to recite the first verse from NWA's classic record "F#@k tha Police". This BUSTER couldn't even START the song!
What's even crazier to me, is that Jared used to ask the clients to recite verses from old school legends like Rakim, Run D.M.C., or KRS One, but he had to ask about recent artists because NOBODY knew any of their songs. So he decided to start asking people to give lines of their favorite rappers'. You would think this would increase the percentage of correct answers.....NOPE.
Not knowing the music of the people that STARTED hip hop is disturbing enough, but to not knowing the music of the person you say you're trying to emulate is more than just disturbing, that's, well, RETARDED (no offense to actual retarded individuals). Quite frankly, my ninja, you STOOPID. How can anyone say they want to be something, and not be able to cite the work of someone who is successful doing what YOU want to do? Without that foundation, you're destined to fail.
Examples of client stoopidity:
One client claimed to be the first really lyrical group from the South. Hello? Anybody home? Outkast?
Another client had started his verse with the hook from Run DMC's song "King of Rock" (I'm the king of rock, there is none higher/sucker mc's should call me sire). When asked where he got the verse from, he said....drumroll please.....you guessed it....T.I.!
Another client (R&B artist) came in and sang a "remake" or rather he just re-worded it, of the 70's soul group The Crusaders' song "Street Life", and when asked whose song he had just sung, he "couldn't recall."
Now maybe, this is why Nas said hip hop is dead. A lot of these new rap artists don't really appreciate the music or respect the craft. Just think, when we're all old and our brand of hip hop is considered old school, whose songs will we be playing when we're sunday driving? Jeezy? Or Common? Joc? Or Jay?
There is a problem with today's music, and I applaud Jared for being on the front lines and doing the best he can to fix it. I'm gonna do what I can too. I haven't bought an actual cd in a while. I'm gonna buy Common.
When clients sign up with us, we like to have a consultation scheduled with them ASAP to get all the music they have made so far, and to see where their head/heads is/are at in terms of work ethic and commitment to success.
Now one of the guys I work with, we'll call him Jared, who is also one of the lead consultants, likes to ask clients a series of general questions he uses to gauge their commitment to music/work ethic. One of the first questions he likes to ask is "Who is your favorite rapper?" (Sidenote: Our clients are primarily hip hop acts.) Every client is quick to name rappers that they think are hot or that they want to be like. The names are pretty standard as well (Jay, Weezy, Outkast, T.I., Diddy believe it or not, Nas, to name a few that we hear). Jared likes to then follow up with, "Okay. Give me a verse from one of
What's even crazier to me, is that Jared used to ask the clients to recite verses from old school legends like Rakim, Run D.M.C., or KRS One, but he had to ask about recent artists because NOBODY knew any of their songs. So he decided to start asking people to give lines of their favorite rappers'. You would think this would increase the percentage of correct answers.....NOPE.
Not knowing the music of the people that STARTED hip hop is disturbing enough, but to not knowing the music of the person you say you're trying to emulate is more than just disturbing, that's, well, RETARDED (no offense to actual retarded individuals). Quite frankly, my ninja, you STOOPID. How can anyone say they want to be something, and not be able to cite the work of someone who is successful doing what YOU want to do? Without that foundation, you're destined to fail.
Examples of client stoopidity:
One client claimed to be the first really lyrical group from the South. Hello? Anybody home? Outkast?
Another client had started his verse with the hook from Run DMC's song "King of Rock" (I'm the king of rock, there is none higher/sucker mc's should call me sire). When asked where he got the verse from, he said....drumroll please.....you guessed it....T.I.!
Another client (R&B artist) came in and sang a "remake" or rather he just re-worded it, of the 70's soul group The Crusaders' song "Street Life", and when asked whose song he had just sung, he "couldn't recall."
Now maybe, this is why Nas said hip hop is dead. A lot of these new rap artists don't really appreciate the music or respect the craft. Just think, when we're all old and our brand of hip hop is considered old school, whose songs will we be playing when we're sunday driving? Jeezy? Or Common? Joc? Or Jay?
There is a problem with today's music, and I applaud Jared for being on the front lines and doing the best he can to fix it. I'm gonna do what I can too. I haven't bought an actual cd in a while. I'm gonna buy Common.
Movie Manners
Today's blog was inspired by my trip to the movies to see Bourne Ultimatum (great movie by the way).
I decided to go to the movies today. Being that it was a movie I wanted to see, I arrived at the movie theater early to get a good seat. I was able to get prime movie seating, you know not too high, not too low, and dead in the center. Now, the closer to movie time, as can be expected, more and more people begin to flood the theater. As more and more people ask me, "Is anyone sitting here?" I begin to get irritated. First, why in this BIG A$$ theater are you deciding you want to sit RIGHT next to me? I don't care WHERE somebody is sitting, I operate in movie theaters like I do in the men's bathroom, NO doing your business next to someone unless there are extenuating circumstances (everywhere else is taken up). Then, if you wanted some quality seating, get your butt to the theater early like the smart people (like ME for example). Now I'm being polite and answering everyones' nerve racking questions until this ol' Santa Claus looking a$$ man comes waddling up to me. Now the worst part is that I saw this coming. Most people notice when someone walks into the theater, and when they see said person look at the seating, the little person in their head says "I REALLY hope this foo doesn't wanna come sit here." Well, I had the same feeling, but then that little person said "DAMN" when I realized indeed, he was penguin waddling his geriatric anus up to my row. So after about 20 mins (in my mind) he finally gets to me and asks if someone is sitting here. I say no and then he proceeds to wave his ol' extra from the Golden Girls lookin a$$ wife to pop in some gingko and make the trip up to my row. Sidenote: Betty Ford (his wife) was previously unseen at the time of questioning, and as there was only one seat available next to me, I wondered what miracle Santa was planning for this Christmas day. Then when she gets up to my row after 30 mins (also in my mind), Santa Claus leans over and says, "Can you move over a couple seats so we can sit together? Unless you wanna sit next to an old man heh heh." Me being me, I look everywhere but at him because I couldn't believe this ninja (I understand Santa is not a ninja, but that doesn't mean that Santa is incapable of engaging in what we black people consider "ninja s#@t") asked me that, even going so far as to look at my neighbor on the other side of me wit the "he can't be serious" face. My obvious contempt for his question prompted Santa to say, "Never mind, I'm sorry because I understand how difficult it would be for a young person like you to move." Now, I ain't in MENSA, but I know when somebody tryin to be a smart-a$$. My first thought was to display to Santa how real ninjas react to "ninja s$#t", but I thought the better of it. I simply grabbed my soda, took a long sip, and put my feet up on the seat in front of me, all while lookin Santa old a$$ dead in his grill. Santa promptly exited stage right and that was that.
Another example of "ninja s#@t" occurred a couple of months ago during a movie. I was watching some movie and, per usual when there a lot of ninjas around, especially young ninjas, a cell phone went off. Now it happened to be the phone of the guy sitting right next to me. Now I expected the man to pull out his phone and press the silent button, but ooooooohhhh noooooo....THIS ninja picks UP the d#@n phone like he in the house on the couch and proceeds to have a full blown conversation. Now I, as did everyone else in the immediate area, thought that this might be important, but he would keep it brief as a courtesy. OOOOOHHHH NOOOOO....THIS ninja keeps talking like he the president. After realizing that this negro has no regards for the fact that he's in a movie theater, I decide there is only one thing I can do. Fight fire with fire. I decide to lean over to him and ask him loudly, "THIS MOVIE IS GREAT HUH? HOW DO YOU LIKE THE ACTING?" Apparently coming out of presidential mode, said ninja tells the caller he's in the movies and will call he/she back later.
Now what I want to know is what is the deal with movie manners in Atlanta? Now I know in Los Angeles, everyone pretty much knows the deal, unless you going to a Magic Johnson theater, in which case, you just gonna have to deal wit Ray Ray an 'em laughing and crying in the theater, OUT LOUD. But here in Atlanta, it doesn't matter which theater you go to, from Buckhead to Bankhead, Regal to Magic Johson, negroes and white folks alike, all engage in "ninja s#@t" at the movies.
Maybe they should just put up Movie Commandments outside of each theater to let these folks know, because I really don't want to have to start saying, "I'll wait till it comes out on DVD."
I decided to go to the movies today. Being that it was a movie I wanted to see, I arrived at the movie theater early to get a good seat. I was able to get prime movie seating, you know not too high, not too low, and dead in the center. Now, the closer to movie time, as can be expected, more and more people begin to flood the theater. As more and more people ask me, "Is anyone sitting here?" I begin to get irritated. First, why in this BIG A$$ theater are you deciding you want to sit RIGHT next to me? I don't care WHERE somebody is sitting, I operate in movie theaters like I do in the men's bathroom, NO doing your business next to someone unless there are extenuating circumstances (everywhere else is taken up). Then, if you wanted some quality seating, get your butt to the theater early like the smart people (like ME for example). Now I'm being polite and answering everyones' nerve racking questions until this ol' Santa Claus looking a$$ man comes waddling up to me. Now the worst part is that I saw this coming. Most people notice when someone walks into the theater, and when they see said person look at the seating, the little person in their head says "I REALLY hope this foo doesn't wanna come sit here." Well, I had the same feeling, but then that little person said "DAMN" when I realized indeed, he was penguin waddling his geriatric anus up to my row. So after about 20 mins (in my mind) he finally gets to me and asks if someone is sitting here. I say no and then he proceeds to wave his ol' extra from the Golden Girls lookin a$$ wife to pop in some gingko and make the trip up to my row. Sidenote: Betty Ford (his wife) was previously unseen at the time of questioning, and as there was only one seat available next to me, I wondered what miracle Santa was planning for this Christmas day. Then when she gets up to my row after 30 mins (also in my mind), Santa Claus leans over and says, "Can you move over a couple seats so we can sit together? Unless you wanna sit next to an old man heh heh." Me being me, I look everywhere but at him because I couldn't believe this ninja (I understand Santa is not a ninja, but that doesn't mean that Santa is incapable of engaging in what we black people consider "ninja s#@t") asked me that, even going so far as to look at my neighbor on the other side of me wit the "he can't be serious" face. My obvious contempt for his question prompted Santa to say, "Never mind, I'm sorry because I understand how difficult it would be for a young person like you to move." Now, I ain't in MENSA, but I know when somebody tryin to be a smart-a$$. My first thought was to display to Santa how real ninjas react to "ninja s$#t", but I thought the better of it. I simply grabbed my soda, took a long sip, and put my feet up on the seat in front of me, all while lookin Santa old a$$ dead in his grill. Santa promptly exited stage right and that was that.
Another example of "ninja s#@t" occurred a couple of months ago during a movie. I was watching some movie and, per usual when there a lot of ninjas around, especially young ninjas, a cell phone went off. Now it happened to be the phone of the guy sitting right next to me. Now I expected the man to pull out his phone and press the silent button, but ooooooohhhh noooooo....THIS ninja picks UP the d#@n phone like he in the house on the couch and proceeds to have a full blown conversation. Now I, as did everyone else in the immediate area, thought that this might be important, but he would keep it brief as a courtesy. OOOOOHHHH NOOOOO....THIS ninja keeps talking like he the president. After realizing that this negro has no regards for the fact that he's in a movie theater, I decide there is only one thing I can do. Fight fire with fire. I decide to lean over to him and ask him loudly, "THIS MOVIE IS GREAT HUH? HOW DO YOU LIKE THE ACTING?" Apparently coming out of presidential mode, said ninja tells the caller he's in the movies and will call he/she back later.
Now what I want to know is what is the deal with movie manners in Atlanta? Now I know in Los Angeles, everyone pretty much knows the deal, unless you going to a Magic Johnson theater, in which case, you just gonna have to deal wit Ray Ray an 'em laughing and crying in the theater, OUT LOUD. But here in Atlanta, it doesn't matter which theater you go to, from Buckhead to Bankhead, Regal to Magic Johson, negroes and white folks alike, all engage in "ninja s#@t" at the movies.
Maybe they should just put up Movie Commandments outside of each theater to let these folks know, because I really don't want to have to start saying, "I'll wait till it comes out on DVD."
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