Meatheads

Now I'm not the most "health-conscious" dude, but you could say I'm a regular gym attender guy. I try to go when I have the time, and make a point to go at least a couple times a week. This is for the dudes like me that go to the gym somewhat regularly.

Don't you hate those dudes at the gym that be setting up like five different work stations in a small a$$ weight room so they can run some type of circuit training shit like they the only dude in the gym? The ol' "you usin this?" ass negro. And you be thinking, "I'm not using it right now, but I might when I'm finished with what I'm doin right now. You know you're SUPPOSED to take one step then the next step. ASS." And what happens is they always set up some shit that's all the way across the room. I swear these negros need like one of them bowflexes so they can stay they ass in one place and do a hundred exercises....

And what's even worse, is they be settin up like they own creative ass workouts. Like, they be pullin the stabilization ball across the gym and puttin it under the leg press to do some ape shit LL Cool J Platinum Workout set.

Anyways, that's all...sorry for cursin...

Complaints

1. Wtf is up wit these gas prices? I remember driving by the gas station and sayin, "I'm takin the bus if it goes past $2." Then I said, "I'ma start walkin if it goes past $3..." Now I'm sayin, "I'm gonna blow up the f#@kin White House if it goes past $4..." Now, as evidenced by my earlier statements, I'm clearly bullshittin wit myself, cuz ya boy don't do no bus and don't kick no rocks (not dissin people who do, juz ain't for me, at least not anymore homie), and I have no idea how to make or where to buy a bomb. But I will say for sure, if tomorrow John McCain promised me universal healthcare and $2 a gallon gasoline, I would vote for him. In a heartbeat.

2. Why do laptop batteries last about 6.5 minutes? If I wanted to watch a movie on the airplane, the only movies that are actually viable are movies that are strictly an hour and a half, and most movies of that length are starring one of three people Jean Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagall, or The Rock. While that's not a horrible thing, those movies are watched on TBS, TNT, or USA only when absolutely NOTHING else is on and I feel like turning my brain off for exactly an hour and a half. When I'm on a four hour flight to LA, I would prefer to keep my mind on, but preferreably on a mentally engaging movie.

3. Why do I happen to find out about all of the good tv shows when they get on that TNT drama in the daytime thing? First, Chasing Amy, now Las Vegas. Now I'm not the biggest TV dude, but I like to think I know what tv shows people like (Grey's Anatomy, Lost, other stuff I can't think of right now, etc...). Where was I when these shows were on tv? Where was I when they were playing episodes in chronological order?

4. Why do I hear that Cleveland is getting a Family Guy spinoff before Quagmire? That is monumentally special right there. Quagmire is far and away the funniest guy on the show behind Peter and Stewey. Whoever's pullin the strings over there at Fox needs to be tied down and forced to hear Lil Wayne try to speak coherently about anything remotely intelligent until he cries...

5. Speaking of Lil Wayne, why is he such an idiot outside of the studio. Youtube any video of him talking about anything in particular and I guarantee when the video goes off you'll think "wtf was he talkin about?" It's crazy how someone with his talents for putting words together can't do it when they don't have to rhyme. Isn't that supposed to make it HARDER?

I've got more...but this is a blog, not an essay...

Internet Icebergs

Now let's talk about a disturbing trend. With the advent of social networking sites from BlackPlanet to Facebook to Myspace, some negroes have begun to operate with the assumption that it is okay to attempt to shoot game online to unsuspecting females. I had heard rumors of this rubbish and never had personally witnessed this "digipimpin" but this debacle landed on my doorstep a few weeks ago...

A couple months ago, I decided the picture on my facebook profile would be dedicated to the magical creation that is a woman. In other words, models and video vixens adorn my profile pics. Now the first couple months were pretty much met with some sprinkles of hate from female friends (of course) and fanmail from negroes who tended to check for a new profile pic when they asses supposed to be working (of course). Well, recently, I have been receiving personal messages from these internet lames that think they got some game. Messages have ranged from the overconfident (Hey Beautiful! How about I take you out?) to the overly self-deprecating (I normally don't do this...but).

Now while I normally don't try to generalize (I'm lyin, of course I do), these digi-dummies have one thing in common...

THEY'RE ALL SHOOTIN GAME AT A GROWN-ASS MAN!!!!

Unacceptable people. First rule of any kind of mackin is know who the hell you're talkin to. I wonder how these web weiners (Am I killin the internet alliteration?Ok. I'll stop.) Manage to skip the name next to the picture. It's not like my name is sexually ambiguous in any way. If you've ever met a female Eric, slap her parents. PLEASE. I'm talkin Mike-Epps-in-How-High-style wit the baby powder and everything...

Now some of these croutons do get a pass because they're foreign. They can't read the name all they see is the booty. Understandable. Wait. No they don't. How in God's name could anybody pimp online wit a foreigner who's working with a completely different keyboard anyways? Unless you're sending nudie pics how could he/she get the hint? I'm rambling lemme wrap it up.

I, personally, find internet pimpin lame. Bishop Don Juan does too. So does Suga Free. And Bill Clinton. Him too.

You Can't Make A Ho A Housewife....Can You?

I was recently asked by a female, "Could a woman go from a B-U-D-D-Y to your wifey?" Many men have come to this crossroads. Brad Pitt. Donald Trump. Nelly. Bill Clinton. Eric Benet. Hell, even some women have had to deal. Halle Berry. Oprah. Some can easily be overpowered by a jumpoff's sexual prowess (Darius McCrary), and some can never fully recognize their jumpoff as a person due to their willingness to be a jumpoff with no questions asked (Oprah).

The answer is simple: it depends.

If one has come to the point where he/she wonders whether to upgrade to wifey/man status, one must first consider a few things. First and foremost one has to consider whether or not the person is a ho/manho. Under no circumstances is it EVER okay to wife up a ho. None whatsoever. I don't care what anybody tells you, you are certified lame if you're now paying for the cow that everybody else milked for free. You, my friend, have no game. Or self-confidence. Or the right to call your woman yours because everyone else had/has her to. Go to jail, you do not collect $200. Now don't misconstrue me to mean that your jumpoff needs to be monogamous before you consider the upgrade, for that is completely unrealistic and in direct contradiction to the whole point of being/having a jumpoff. I only say that to stress that it is unacceptable if all of your homies can share "It was crazy when she did this..." stories about your proposed wifey. Second, if the jumpoff passes the first test, then one must consider the personality of the jumpoff. In your understandably short conversation time with your jumpoff, does she seem to be compatible with you? Now for some this may be easy, but for some, this might be like being asked to predict tomorrow's lotto numbers. For the difficult ones, all I can say is before you make the leap, make some kind of conversation. About ANYTHING. Just to see where her head is at, because you want to do all you can to avoid the "Everything was going great, but then..." story.

To the homies, I just say make sure you're jumpoff isn't TOO good at sex. She can be good, but if a chick is puttin it down like a pornstar every night, you might wanna think about how many "shoots" she had to attend. Ya dig?

Atlanta Bumper Cars

I was driving home Sunday night and I saw an accident. It was completely avoidable and you know how I know this? It was like I saw the whole thing in slow motion. You know one of those times where you're looking at say a horror movie and you're saying to yourself, "He's not gonna do that....oh my god, yes he is...aww this is gonna be bad...here it comes...HA!....DUMBa$$."

Now what kills me, is this is like the fifty-leventh time I've seen an accident actually happen here in Atlanta. I've addressed this before to some Atlanta residents, and they give me the lame excuse that since so many people are from out of town, Atlanta has managed to become the trash can for every garbage driver in America. In retort, I say I have yet to see an out of state license on a car that's been in an accident.

Now I don't know how easy it is to get a Georgia license (apparently all you have to have is a WANT to drive), as I am too a transplant, but there seems to be a serious lack of a skills standard. Let's set some rules here:

1. Any old person that requires those big ol' Kool Moe Dee glasses should NOT be able to drive. (This doesn't have to be explained)

2. Any person that drives an old skool chevy with a dent in it should have their license stripped on the spot. (Sorry to 75% of Atlanta black males under the age of 24, but homie, those cars are metal, meaning you would demolish every other car made after 1975, as they are plastic, and you drive like you know that fact)

3. All women between 16-24 should have to have those driver education brake pedals installed in the passenger side of their vehicles. (The numbers don't lie. One study reported that women in this age group are twice as likely to use their cell phone while driving as men. Studies show that using your cell phone while driving significantly decreases your driving ability. One and one equals...)

As this list could become quite expansive, I will choose to end it here. But if you still don't believe me about the Atlanta traffic, google "Atlanta worst drivers" and see how many hits you get....game.set.match.

The Cost of Good Health

Now I have just come back from the grocery store and I'm compelled to write about something that has been irritating me for a while. I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels the way I do.

I like to think of myself as someone who generally watches what they eat. I wouldn't call myself a dieter, just someone that generally prescribes to healthy eating patterns. As I walked through the store to reload on my basic diet, turkey burgers, tuna, eggs, and ramen noodles (yea I said it), I was once again struck by how much these items actually COST.

As I walked down the aisles to pick up my items, I noticed that my high protein bars were going at $6 for a box of 4 bars, while as I continued shopping, one couldn't help but notice the proliferation of "2 for $3" specials on cookies. Or when I looked for my honey bunches of oats cereal, which is $5 a box for the family size, while the frosted flakes were going for 2 for $6 in the family size. It occurred to me, why does, in one of the fattest countries in the world, does it cost so much to eat healthy? With the yearly parade of health initiatives by celebrities and politicians, why hasn't anyone come up with the genius idea of discounting healthy products?

Studies show that much of people eating selections, especially for families, are based on monetary reasons. Quite simply, it is cheaper to buy a 24 pack of doritos variety bags than to buy banana chips for your children to take to school. I think back to my own childhood, and ponder that maybe the reason we had so many snacks around wasn't just because we liked them, but we couldn't afford to eat anything different.

This also led me to think about the food options in lower class neighborhoods. Studies show that poorer and nonwhite neighborhoods also have fewer fruit and vegetable markets, bakeries, specialty stores, and natural food stores. Also, poor children have higher rates of obesity (around 20 percent of all poor children) than do nonpoor children (around 15 percent). To make these numbers more real, one study found that, while 58 percent of food stores on New York City 's Upper East Side stocked the low-fat, high-fiber foods health professionals recommend as part of a diet to control diabetes, only 18 percent of stores in East Harlem stocked these foods. Also, in the Detroit metropolitan area, for example, the poorest African American neighborhoods are an average of 1.1 miles further from the nearest supermarket than are impoverished white neighborhoods.

I don't know about you, but to me this is a PROBLEM. I'm just ranting...I'm done now.

What to Wear What to Wear

So I call myself going to the mall to buy a new shirt the other day. Now what I really wanted was a Lacoste polo, preferably Carolina blue. I'm heading back into town from Lithonia so I tell myself I'll stop at South Dekalb Mall and pick up one. I head for the Macy's first. I look around the entire men's department. NO POLOS. Sean John? Check. Rocafella? Check. Enyce? Check. Now those brands I expected, but Izod? Check. After being dumbfounded at Macy's, my inner optimist says maybe they'll have it at another store. I proceed to enter into every single men's clothing store in the entire South Dekalb Mall. NO POLOS. After about the 3rd store, I decide to shift my focus to tshirts. As you can guess South Dekalb Mall is a full service mall for ATL trap ni#@as. From Miskeen to spray paint to personalized R.I.P shirts, South Dekalb can have any certified hood star dressed in the finest dope boy gear in any assortment of colors.

Now as I'm noticing that my mission is failing miserably, I ask myself, "Am I that out of style?" I'd like to think I have some sense of style. But I just couldn't figure out why anyone would want to wear a tshirt with sleeves that only go halfway down your bicep. I also couldn't understand what is the obsession with skulls and snakes. It seems like that's the logo for 20 different clothing lines. And call me crazy, but I like to match my shoes with my attire. Now because I like to do that, I will never be able to purchase half the shirts at the mall because they have 25 different colors on one shirt. I remember a time when men only saw in primary colors, but nowadays it seems "hood" to rock fuschia and neon yellow. And it's not like anyone makes fuschia and neon yellow shoes so how do you coordinate? Custom shoes for every shirt? Do what you do, but that seems kinda corny to me.

Anyways, I say all that to say, why isn't there a place where I can purchase clothes for every facet of me? Sometimes ya boy wants to wear Lacoste. Sometimes I want to wear a white tee. Sometimes I want to wear some Famous Stars and Straps. Why do I have to go to different places to dress the "Jeezy" and "Poitier" in me?

Isn't that part of the beauty of our people to take any attire and make it our own?